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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate people going upstairs

97 replies

TracyLords · 06/08/2021 17:34

DD8 had a couple of friends over. They were desperate to go upstairs and see DDs bedroom.
We have a playroom downstairs with all toys etx, so there was no need to go upstairs. I went to the loo and up her wee friend went to have a nosey!

DH thinks I’m a bit precious, but I just hate people going upstairs in my house unless they are family or staying over. Aibu?

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 06/08/2021 18:48

No need to put more toys up there, but us DD allowed to take her toys up there & play if she wants to?

I understand why, after your childhood, you might be a bit over protective of your bedrooms etc, but it's not fair on your DD for you to limit the way she uses her bedroom.

Until now she's been happier in the playroom near you, but she will start to enjoy the independence and ownership of her bedroom & being able to spend time alone (and with friends) up there, try to let her make it hers and enjoy it- or what's the point in having a lovely house?!

SquashMinusIsShit · 06/08/2021 18:53

start to enjoy the independence and ownership of her bedroom & being able to spend time alone (and with friends) up there

This is where we are with DD age 9, her & her friends used to play downstairs now they go in her room, close the door & put music on.

Like lots of PP have said they aren't allowed in out bedroom though

Original poster
TracyLords · 06/08/2021 18:54

@AlmostSummer21 she’s never asked. She does have some toys in the study because she sometimes plays in there when I’m working. Up until now she has really only used her bedroom for getting dressed and sleeping.

We don’t spend a huge amount of time at home during weekends now we can get out and about again. But during Covid lockdown she was always happy to spend her time in the living room or playroom

OP posts:
opinionminion · 06/08/2021 18:55

I get you, I hated it. Not knowing exactly what was going on, jumping on beds, messing about in the bathroom, sneaking into my room. It made me terribly uncomfortable.
My daughter knew not to do any of these things however not all of her friends were as respectful.

Original poster
TracyLords · 06/08/2021 18:57

This is the first time post Covid she has had schoolfriends over.. she has had a few of her other friends over (family friends, cousins and neighbours) but they have always just hung out in the playroom or back garden: they never even mentioned going upstairs to play so I hadn’t really thought of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyLords · 06/08/2021 18:58

Or the kitchen... she has a toy kitchen in there and kids often love playing on that ...

OP posts:
Notebooksarefabulous · 06/08/2021 19:00

OP - you said "should I also then move some toys upstairs to her bedroom?"
No I wouldnt. Invite your daughter to decide what she would like to do. Shes 8 so plenty old enough to decide what she would like to have where. Leave it up to her.

Original poster
TracyLords · 06/08/2021 19:00

@opinionminion ah yes! Jumping on beds and sofas also happened today; I had to ask them not to do that too! DD and her other friends don’t seem to do that but her schoolfriends do.

OP posts:
LemonRoses · 06/08/2021 19:03

Not only unreasonable, but making upstairs far more exciting by disallowing it. What are you going to do when she had friends sleep over?

Puffinhead · 06/08/2021 19:05

Actually OP I kind of agree with you. Sometimes I don’t want kids upstairs (other times I don’t mind) so I make it clear to them that they’re to stay downstairs - I would have told the friend to go back down.

Crayfishforyou · 06/08/2021 19:06

DD is allowed to ply with her friends in her bedroom, not in ours.

Original poster
TracyLords · 06/08/2021 19:07

@LemonRoses. She hasn’t had any schoolfriends sleep over (but has had other friends!) . In that case they sleepover in the bedroom, but before bedtime they had cinema night in the playroom (in a tent with popcorn) and then we’re desperate to go downstairs to the playroom as soon as they woke up. I’m not a joyless person: honest!! She has loads of toys and space to play: just doesn’t normally do it in the bedroom

OP posts:
Panickingpavlova · 06/08/2021 19:14

You can't control this space

Does she have a sibling?
All of this is what dc do, they do jump on beds and sofas, we kindly say stop it.

TheWernethWife · 06/08/2021 19:14

I just don't understand why people going upstairs is such a no no. A bedroom is simply that "a room with a bed".

Unless you have a sex room upstairs why all the angst, people already know what happens in bed so why so coy about it.

When I visit my friend we often sit in her room, me on the bed, looking at the new things she's bought.

234Pepperplant · 06/08/2021 19:15

“We don’t allow/invite visitors upstairs, there is no need for them to be up there as our guest bedroom and its en-suite is downstairs.

I honestly never really understand why. My study is out of bound - more about confidential documents than anything else, but what's the issue with friends or relatives seeing your bedroom? What makes your bedroom so different that no one is allowed to see it?”

Because I don’t necessarily want to tidy my bedroom, clean my bathroom etc before every visitor. I don’t specifically announce they’re banned or shout at anyone who sets foot on the stairs, there’s just no reason to invite them upstairs. Given there’s a downstairs loo and the guest room with en-suite is downstairs, and we have downstairs social spaces to be in, why would anyone need to be upstairs except to be nosy? Parents, in-laws etc were given the tour when we moved in, they’ve seen my bedroom, I just don’t want to ensure it’s always ready for viewing each time they come!

Panickingpavlova · 06/08/2021 19:15

Children need free flow play.
I'm astonished she's never thought to carry a toy up to her room?

Neverrains · 06/08/2021 19:17

We have a playroom but the kids still love showing their friends their bedrooms! They know my bedroom is out of bounds, and they’re not allowed to take their friends into their siblings’ bedrooms without permission.

GintyMcGinty · 06/08/2021 19:18

You are being a bit weird. And your daughters friends will think it weird they can't go up to the bedroom.

LubaLuca · 06/08/2021 19:18

I had a friend who wasn't allowed to take friends in her bedroom. She wasn't allowed to sit on her bed during the day, so presumably there was the risk that a friend might sit on it if they got in there. You could go upstairs to use the toilet, but you had to tell her mum that you were going and when you were back (same rule for guests and residents).

She was the only friend I had who was from a family that made mine look normal. Mine were strict, but hers were just weird. I have, looking back with adult eyes, wondered wtf was going on upstairs that nobody could glimpse.

So yeah, let the kids go in the bedroom, if only so none of them grows up and wonders what kind of dark secrets you were afraid of being revealed Grin

Panickingpavlova · 06/08/2021 19:20

Im not wild about children poking about my house or specially my room.
It's messy, very messy and where I gather all washing and ironing. I have to qualify the fact that we simply don't have clean as much as others by adding, we don't have sticky dirty floors, I hoover at least once a week day but we simply don't live in a visitor ready house.

I simply pull my door too and ask them not to go into my room

Ideasplease322 · 06/08/2021 19:20

Growing up I had a friend whose mum was like this. We never got to see the bedroom and hated going there because it was so boring staying downstairs with the mum.

I can still remember looking at the stairs and wondering what the heck was so private up there😂

NCwhatsmynameagain · 06/08/2021 19:22

Kids like playing with friends in their room in a way they may not if they were alone or with family. Something about having their own little world up there with their friend, that they don’t get at school or in the park. I think it’s lovely. A bedroom should be that- a sanctuary, not just somewhere to sleep. I think the appeal of a playroom wanes anyway, once they are in school and it’s less about toys and more about friendships.
Just set your boundaries, with DD and friends- strict rule, other bedrooms apart from your own are out of bounds, as is jumping on furniture. Simple.

Neverrains · 06/08/2021 19:24

@NCwhatsmynameagain

Kids like playing with friends in their room in a way they may not if they were alone or with family. Something about having their own little world up there with their friend, that they don’t get at school or in the park. I think it’s lovely. A bedroom should be that- a sanctuary, not just somewhere to sleep. I think the appeal of a playroom wanes anyway, once they are in school and it’s less about toys and more about friendships. Just set your boundaries, with DD and friends- strict rule, other bedrooms apart from your own are out of bounds, as is jumping on furniture. Simple.
Yes, mu older ones are 7 and 6 now and not interested in the playroom at all. They like to sit and chat and play/draw etc with their friends upstairs.
KurtWilde · 06/08/2021 19:40

My parents were like this, it was horrible not being able to show my friends my bedroom. It might seem small but it would've meant a lot to me to sit on my bed with my friends chatting and playing, looking through my books or magazines. No change, not even as a teen.

habibihabibi · 06/08/2021 19:42

I saw the most amazing house recently in an USA architectural magazine. It had the basement converted into teen kids bedrooms and ensuite with a big den with huge beanbags that had a little kitchen. That or a kids wing with its own entrance is my ideal. I love my children having friends over but prefer not wading through odd socks and crisp packets.