To hate people going upstairs

[TracyLords]

DD8 had a couple of friends over. They were desperate to go upstairs and see DDs bedroom.
We have a playroom downstairs with all toys etx, so there was no need to go upstairs. I went to the loo and up her wee friend went to have a nosey!

DH thinks I’m a bit precious, but I just hate people going upstairs in my house unless they are family or staying over. Aibu?

It may be that at that age I didn’t really have friends over. 4 of us shared one bedroom in a small 2 bed flat when I was a young child (my aunt was very ill, so cousins lived with us). I wasn’t able particularly bothered as we played in the street and up the close, and had great fun with my cousins. I didn’t have friends over until I was at high school

Fine to ban visiting dc from your bedroom.

Weird and unreasonable to ban your dc from having guests in their bedroom. I can't see how it effects you at all!

@TracyLords

So... should I also then move some toys upstairs to her bedroom??!!! This has not came up before: because of Covid we haven’t had many people over until lately. Pre Covid all the kids were happy in the playroom (there is loads of toys and a tv/sofa, and DD prefers being close to us in the living room)

of course not, if your daughter doesn't ask you, stay well out of it!

Fair enough to subtly encourage them to stay downstairs, ban your bedroom (and ban food and drinks upstairs) ,but accept that your daughter can go upstairs just as much as downstairs when she feels like it.

It's nothing to do with how many toys there are. It's about really getting to know your friends, and how they live.

I can remember every single detail of my friends' bedrooms at that age, down to the transfers on their wardrobe doors. As an adult you don't go into each other's space that way, but maybe that's part of why adults find it harder to form friendships.

Thing is, when you have friends staying over, and most people when they have close friends for diner, tend to give them a tour of the house too.

Reasonable to say you don't want children in your room, but quite weird to be honest to be so against having them in her room.

@wordsareveryunnecessary

Just put a little hook latch at the top of your bedroom door

No, just tell your children it's off limits to their friends!

But glad that you have all pointed out to me the error of my ways so that I’m not a weirdo parent! Other friends we have as a family with playrooms tend to also have the kids hanging out in the there, so I thought that was the home

I think it's an age thing too and why there's a difference between pre and post covid hang outs. My DS is 8 and he and friends just hang around his room, trading pokemon games and laughing. They love it. I don't let kids in my room, and my kids know it's off limits, but the rest of the house is theirs to do as they please - respectfully.

If you do put limits on her room, you'll find in 3/4 years she'l go to friends instead of hanging around your house - I'd prefer my house to be the house of choice!

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes yes yes to remembering friends rooms! My mum was, with hindsight, pretty controlling (careful? houseproud?) and I was never allowed to have friends round..... even as a teenager, and I really do mean never. It was really lonely. But my friends, with their messy, poster filled rooms, old stickers on the windows and doors, trying on make-up and dreaming of pop-stars
.... these spaces are where I grew up and where I felt at home.

I wouldn't particularly like adult guests upstairs, unless invited for a specific reason - but I think it is just normal etiquette. I would never go upstairs in someone else's house unless asked (for example if the only bathroom is upstairs).

But is is completely different with children! Totally reasonable to make your room/siblings rooms off limits (and enforce it firmly) but very sad to not allow your DD to have her friends in her room.

We regularly have friends round that have DC 8,4 and 3. I just tell DD to shut my bedroom door and the bathroom door.

Nothing to do with playrooms and every thing about exploring each others space!
NY goodness even on what's app calls my 8 year old and her pals show each uther their bedrooms.
That's their kingdom, their space? It is your dd up me as well??

I've never had to get nasty with dd friends and simply asked them not to go into my room

Op, you've obviously wondered about this and asked on here so I guess you feel it's not quite right to corral them in once space which is great.

You definitely need to remember this is her home it wouldn't feel like a home with a parent stopping her from showing her own bedroom off..

• its your dd house as well and up to her as well. I can't believe spell checkers.

*one more thing thing

My house /our house.

DH is laughing and asking if when she is late teens and has a boy over will they still need to sit in the playroom. I had to remind him that when we started dating, when I came to stay with him, we used to spend most of our time hanging out in his family’s second sitting room lol

I wouldn't want kids in my room and woudl ensure door was shut but she should be allowed to show her friends her own room!

YABU. I grew up in a house like this. In fact, my father told me that bedrooms were not for playing in. He was a joyless man. Problem was, I didn't have a playroom nor any play equipment outside so jot sure where he wanted me to play. I never felt relaxed having friends over and never wanted birthday parties at home (in fact, I only had the one).

My children can take their friends anywhere in the house except for my room. Their rooms are theirs and it is important they feel able to welcome their friends there. Also, my daughter has an amazing bed with stairs, playhouse, a slide and two hidey holes and other kids love it!

There is always a mum like this in every friend group. In your DD friend group you are that mum.

sounds odd to have locks on bedroom doors - can't you just tell her that your bedroom is out of bounds, and let her appreciate that she is trusted to do as you ask?

We don’t allow/invite visitors upstairs, there is no need for them to be up there as our guest bedroom and its en-suite is downstairs. The exception is my children are allowed to invite their friends to their own bedroom if they want to. They know this doesn’t include anybody else’s bedroom or my study. I don’t want random eight year olds in my private space thank you very much. There’s plenty of social space downstairs they can use too if they want, including the living room or the kids den room, which is where the toys and the TV are.

I understand where you are coming from @TracyLords.

My kids rarely play in their rooms until friends come round as generally they have always played wherever I am in the house.

I begrudge other people’s kids playing up stairs because of past experience. Some of the things that have happened, that would never have happened before:

1. Kids going through MY bedroom drawers
2. Curtain pole being ripped out of the wall (due to kids swinging on it)
3. Glue on carpet (helped themselves to craft that was in the wardrobe.
4. Marker pen on bedding- not an accident either. Friends child, who appears to have issues with impulse control, scribbled everywhere without a second thought.

I don’t want this. We have plenty of supervised places in the house they can play with. It is unfortunate you can’t pick your kids friends ☹️

We don’t allow/invite visitors upstairs, there is no need for them to be up there as our guest bedroom and its en-suite is downstairs.

I honestly never really understand why. My study is out of bound - more about confidential documents than anything else, but what's the issue with friends or relatives seeing your bedroom? What makes your bedroom so different that no one is allowed to see it?

It is unfortunate you can’t pick your kids friends ☹️

You can't guess if they are feral until you invite them, but you can pick who is allowed in your house or not once you know.

Yeah, definitely unreasonable. Sorry.