Child with loud device - settle an argument

[Ideasplease322]

My mum and I went for lunch in a local hotel. A family were seated at the table next to us and they handed their small child an iPad. No headphones.

The child played loud video games throughout lunch - there was crashing and gun fire and sirens. We were in small bar area, no other tables to move to. I wanted to speak to the waiter about asking the family to turn the volume down. My mum wouldn’t let me, she said we would look mean.

I think it is increasingly bad manners to allow a child to play loud video games in a restaurant, however there is really no way to handle it without it being obvious who has complained.

I was happy for them to know, mum said we would then have become 5e people displaying bad manners.

was I unreasonable to want to complain?

@noangel1811

As the parent of an autistic child we find this sort of attitude every where we go. We do not have electronic devices, due to other health problems she has a much lower mental age and prefers baby and toddler toys. Her favourites being a musical drum, a xylophone, a musical light up spinning top and a musical book. Unfortunately these only come with one volume and without them she becomes very upset and cries. I walk around carrying her or push her in her pushchair and sing to her but these don’t always work. I suppose I’m just supposed to keep her at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course not and this type of posts always makes me a bit tbh.

What people do is to go to establishments based on their needs/wants. That's the logical step. I don't want toy noise so I will not go to child friendly place known for being noisy. Same way like people who want/need noise would not go to a quiet restaurant.

No one needs to stay at home if people use some logic

No one needs to stay at home if people use some logic

This.

I go to fancy places when it's just adults and we want somewhere that doesn't provide crayons or a children's menu. Based in those two conditions we know that there are unlikely to be very young children/any children present will be older, and the atmosphere is going to be a little bit more grown up.

When we're going out to eat with the DC we choose places that we know they will like, where a little bit more noise and fidgeting is tolerated as staff and other customers know its somewhere there are very likely to be a lot of children, and where their tastes will be accommodated including one DC who has a very limited diet. We tend to choose places like Pizza Hut, family pubs, McDonald's (our local one has a softplay), YoSushi, etc. We generally ask for an out of the way table where possible so that if DC do get out of their seats they're less likely to crash into anyone and so it's a bit calmer than being slap bang in the middle of the floor area. They are allowed tablets at the table if they need them as they use them to shut the world out for a bit but they're only allowed with headphones or else volume off and they go back in bags when the food arrives, other times they'll put their ear defenders on instead and colour in or play little games like thumb wars or eye spy. If neither is in the right state of mind to cope with a restaurant or pub then we either get something to take away and go eat somewhere outdoors or we wrap up what we're doing and go home to eat.

If inwas in the first situation where I'd chosen somewhere a bit more grown up and there was a young child nearby blasting games or blasting Peppa Pig then I would be discreetly asking the staff if they could either move us to a different table or ask them to turn it down. It needn't be a big thing and handled properly it doesn't need to end in anyone feeling put out or hurt.

Ds is ASD, whenever we went out for drinks or meals I always took pencils & paper for him to colour or draw or a book or comic for him to look at, once he got to around 5 he preferred to join in adult conversation &he quickly learned how to behave at the table. The only device he ever had was an old Ipod shuffle that he had to wear headphones with & he never used it at the table.

@noangel1811

As the parent of an autistic child we find this sort of attitude every where we go. We do not have electronic devices, due to other health problems she has a much lower mental age and prefers baby and toddler toys. Her favourites being a musical drum, a xylophone, a musical light up spinning top and a musical book. Unfortunately these only come with one volume and without them she becomes very upset and cries. I walk around carrying her or push her in her pushchair and sing to her but these don’t always work. I suppose I’m just supposed to keep her at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

When my kids were little we put tape over the bit the sound comes out of. It muffled it a bit.

"Her favourites being a musical drum, a xylophone, a musical light up spinning top and a musical book. Unfortunately these only come with one volume and without them she becomes very upset and cries"

Ds has some for going out that are chosen to because they are low volume. He is 16 but plays with musical toys for one year olds and uses them as a way of calming himself. He cannot go to places mainly used by children because he is either too old or can't cope with being around young children - we had some serious aggressive distressed episodes in places like macdonalds so can't go there. We stick to ordinary cafes at times when there are fewest people there, sitting as far from others as possible with the quietest musical toys. I don't feel we can do anymore than that without withdrawing him from any form of 'normal'. With his needs both learning disability and physical needs, the choice of activities for him as he gets older is very limited- and he loves food.

Oh good. Another thread about noise in public places

If it is just games they are playing why do they need the sound on at all?

@noangel1811 have you tried an app with musical instruments on it? My two had one when they loved and then you can use with headphones

YANBU. To compromise with your Mum's wishes, I would have asked to move table.

@noangel1811

First of all I wouldn’t be selfish enough to take her to a theatre (designed to be quiet places) or some high end restaurant. But I also think it unfair to expect her to only be allowed into places other people think is appropriate. She has as much right to go out and enjoy life as much as anyone else especially as she has spent more than half her life in a hospital bed. So although I am sympathetic and always apologise if she causes a disturbance, it isn’t nice to be told I should be more considerate of other people or come across a post like this that could well be aimed at my child. As I stated above I do try other ways to keep her calm but I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if she should make noise sometimes

I am sorry that my post has upset you. That wasn’t my intention.

I was annoyed that my lovely meal with my mum was impacted by a loud game played right beside my table. I don’t know if the child had any Sen issues. It hasn’t occurred to me to be honest.

It was so loud I don’t even know if the restaurant was playing music. The parents didn’t engage with us or the child.

I hadn’t been out with my mum in 18 months because of lock downs. And it was an expensive treat. There were other people in the restaurant who were also visibility annoyed.

I’m not sure what the answer is. Is it okay to make this sort of noise in a formal, mainly adult restaurant in your specific circumstances? Had a parent come over, apologised and explained that there was a specific need for the noise then I certainly wouldn’t have been annoyed. But it would have still impacted on my precious time with my mum.

There is no easy answer and I understand you of course need to live your life and your daughter needs to experience the world. So yes it an adult dining room is something she would enjoy then I would just have to try and ignore the noise.

I also didn’t realise this was a subject done before - or that it would cause such annoyance.

So I apologise- hopefully it will quietly die a death now

Anything causes annoyance here, OP😂

@warmandtoasty2day

a small child playing a game with gun fire, crashing and sirens sounds iffy, doesn't sound like an age rating was being observed either.

Just what I was going to say, doesn’t sound like the child was playing an age appropriate game.

This happened to me recently at dinner, with adults at a Michelin starred restaurant.

I am on your side but I see the other perspective too. I think I’d rather hear an app instead of a screaming child. But in the same token, if my child got upset and stressed like that when not using a device, I simply wouldn’t be taking them to a bar to begin with. It’s not fair on the child and it’s not fair on the people around you - it literally only benefits the parent.

@PegasusReturns oh god, that’s even worse. I would have been raging. People are so selfish and obnoxious. Were they told to be quiet / turn it down?

Why are people so precious about sitting in absolute silence when having a meal?

Get over yourselves. They are children and their parents deserve to go to restaurants just as much as you do.

@User179335678

Why are people so precious about sitting in absolute silence when having a meal?

Get over yourselves. They are children and their parents deserve to go to restaurants just as much as you do.

They can. To an adequate ones. Same way like a person with doaability causing sensitivity to noise goes to a quieter place, not to a noisy family place and demands silence.

There are trillion and one places to eat and they all cater to different groupa and needs. Just pick the one for you and that's it.

Also, no one wants to sit in complete silence🙄🙄🙄

@User179335678 because I don't want to listen to your child's device. Have you considered using your time out at a restaurant to teach table manners and engage in conversation with them? Or do you prefer the easy parenting option of disturbing everyone else so long as you've got a bit of peace to eat ?

@User179335678

Why are people so precious about sitting in absolute silence when having a meal?

Get over yourselves. They are children and their parents deserve to go to restaurants just as much as you do.

I don’t know why this point has to be made over and over again but nobody is asking for total silence. Ambient noise (chatting, glasses and cutlery clinking, a till or coffee machine) is expected and generally not intrusive. Screaming or repetitive loud electronic noises are not, and they can either make it impossible to hear a conversation or are very difficult to drown out.

People with disabilities also have a right to access appropriate public spaces, so the answer cannot be that one group gets what they want and everyone else lumps it.

It’s rude. There’s a time and a place for listening to devices at full volume and it’s not at a restaurant.

My DD is ASD and is sensitive to certain types of sounds. It would really make her feel uncomfortable. We usually stick to quiet restaurants aimed at adults. She used to wear ear defenders, but feels self-conscious now that she’s a teen.

When ours were little we allowed books, paper and pens, no devices. It worked well with my oldest two, but my youngest is a fidget. We’re careful where we take him and find that lunchtime works better than evening.

@User179335678

Why are people so precious about sitting in absolute silence when having a meal?

Get over yourselves. They are children and their parents deserve to go to restaurants just as much as you do.

To be clear I didn’t want to sit is silence. I wanted to have a conversation, listen to the background music, hear what the waiter was saying.

The child hadn’t been upset when handed to device. The needs of one child were put ahead of every other person in that dining room. Most right thinking people would see that that is selfish.

One child’s entertainment took over the whole dining room. I think that is selfish and doesn’t teach the child how to behave in an adult setting, or how to be a considerate member of society. The poor kid was ignored by the parents for the entire meal.

I assume you are the parent who hands the child the loud device to watch cartoons or play games. I do think there is something wrong when someone thinks they can impose their loud entertainment on twenty or thirty other people because they deserve a meal out.

I suspect you are the nightmare neighbour, the selfish parker, the problem parent in the school.

A restaurant that’s noisy because of the usual hustle and bustle (cutlery, chatter etc) is more like white noise, whereas electronic games and YouTube videos, even on low, are like torture to a lot of people.

YANBU. It’s just lazy parenting.

As others have pointed out, the needs of those who can't tolerate the noise never seem to feature in the responses to these threads. ND children and adults might well not be able to deal with the loud noise, so should they have to deal with never being able to go out?

I think also, and I know I'll be flamed for this, parents (of all children, ND or NT) need to accept that there are some venues that are not suitable for them. Maybe some of the time (we have a local cafe bar that has no kids after I think 7 or 8pm) or maybe all of the time (a local pub which is child free).