Child with loud device - settle an argument

[Ideasplease322]

My mum and I went for lunch in a local hotel. A family were seated at the table next to us and they handed their small child an iPad. No headphones.

The child played loud video games throughout lunch - there was crashing and gun fire and sirens. We were in small bar area, no other tables to move to. I wanted to speak to the waiter about asking the family to turn the volume down. My mum wouldn’t let me, she said we would look mean.

I think it is increasingly bad manners to allow a child to play loud video games in a restaurant, however there is really no way to handle it without it being obvious who has complained.

I was happy for them to know, mum said we would then have become 5e people displaying bad manners.

was I unreasonable to want to complain?

Ds probably does sometimes disturb others with things like vocal stims but there is nothing he or us can do about that. We don't do 'not giving a shit about others' stuff. When I have seen that the child or children appear to be NT.

Pornhub on loud as an answer should work.

I was on a train and an adult was watching his phone without headphones.

I think it takes a special form of arrogance to have such a disregard for others.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

We had this thread a few weeks ago and FightingtheFoo is exactly right. Though when some autistic posters said loud noises are upsetting for them, the people so passionate about disability rights totally ignored them... so I suspect they were trolling.

I had to step away from that thread.

I have hyperacusis because of Meniere's, and find that sort of loud, amplified noise intolerable.

I am a bit surprised that the cafe proprietor didn't take action without being asked. Many many customers won't comment but will just never go to the cafe again. There is also the ever present Trip Advisor!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Pornhub on loud as an answer should work.

Ah @SchrodingersImmigrant you never post a comment I don't completely agree with.

@FightingtheFoo Often a video on loud would be helpful to settle and engage some children with ASC, my own DS included. We don’t ever do this though, firstly because it isn’t fair on others, and also, as others have said, as parents of children with SEN, we are all well aware you are all judging us and our “badly behaved” children as it is, without us adding fuel to the fire.

@godmum56

I am a bit surprised that the cafe proprietor didn't take action without being asked. Many many customers won't comment but will just never go to the cafe again. There is also the ever present Trip Advisor!

Because parents can be bloody dangerous on reviews👀 "Hi. Sorry, could you please turn the volume down so other gueata can also enjoy the ambiance, please?" 2 hours later on facebook reviews: "unfriendly and discriminating like! My baby NEEDS the tablet and sound bit like staff told us to turn it down . Unaxeptable, ll tell all parents with their babys not to come. Acting like they were nwver children themselves. What's next? Like banning babys completely?! 1 star and that's like genrous yeah! AVOID AVOID AVOID I hope u bankrpt. Ruined r week and babys still upset"

@OhRene 😁

On the quiet vs loud needs.
I remember the thread about quiet resort. That was interesting one.

@godmum56

I am a bit surprised that the cafe proprietor didn't take action without being asked. Many many customers won't comment but will just never go to the cafe again. There is also the ever present Trip Advisor!

It was a nice hotel and yes I was surprised, and a bit annoyed. But the staff were rushed off their feet.

I did look round passively aggressively each time it exploded into very loud noises. The parents and grandparents were talking very loudly and didn’t seem to be particularly concerned about others.

I've actually asked a parent to turn a child's device down in a cafe before.

It was so loud and they seemed oblivious

I just went over and politely said I can't actually hear my quietly spoken friend because their child's device was pretty loud and would they mind turning it down a bit

They looked mortified and said it's because they're so used to hearing the noise they forget

They did turn it down and it was fine.

And yes I have kids even though they're a bit older than that age now is still wouldn't have had it so loud

Sorry but if your kid can't dine without playing a video game or watching a tablet loudly without headphones, maybe don't dine out? Or go somewhere where it won't matter. It's not ok to ruin other people's experience.

And before I get a pile on, my son is neuro diverse. He doesn't do this and I have never given him his tablet when we're out. IMO, if you have started that expectation in a child that they can do this, that is down to your parenting.

This is probably harsh but I totally agree with op. Not ok.

I'd have gone over, leant in and quietly said - could you please turn the sound down as you're being totally selfish and disrespectful towards other users.

I was just so cross that some people can be so selfish that they think a room full of people going our for a nice expensive lunch and a few glasses of wine want to listen to a child’s iPad at full blast - or indeed at all.

These children are being taught to have no consideration for others, probably by parents who were also raised with no manners.

I'd have skipped the waiter and told the parents. My DS is allowed to play on his tablet or my phone if we're out to eat because he has SEN and the other option is him getting up and down, running off, shouting or just constant interruption. However, he is only allowed to play silent games in public. No noise making games or YouTube. It keeps him settled and doesn't bug other people.

@Cherryana

I was on a train and an adult was watching his phone without headphones.

I think it takes a special form of arrogance to have such a disregard for others.

Same here, not just the adults but the two teens as well , if you are reading this Mr idiot from London to the Midlands three weeks ago with your phones on loud with your lady/ partner who looked so completely unhappy get some headphones !

YANBU especially if it was a fancy place. Pre-children, me and DH used to eat at nice restaurants and I've had the experience ruined by Peppa Pig playing full blast on a tablet at the next table.
I would have definitely said something in that kind of setting. We generally only eat out at pubs that have a soft play or park now, so I would expect that I'm going to get my ears abused in some form or another there.

And I do absolutely sympathise so to parents of sen children - it must be so hard.

I don’t know if that was the case in this instance - all I saw was a four or five year old handed a device to play games on.

Headphones would have been an easy compromise. Parents ignored this child for the entire meal. Not the little kids fault at all.

As an adult with sensory issues I did notice on the other thread that anyone mentioning the impact of noise on children or adults who are sensory defensive was ignored. I think this is partly why these threads do tend to descend info this kind of discussion.

And no, YWNBU. Loud noise in public spaces is the bane of my life.

I think if you can't be arsed to engage your child in a cafe and have to rely on electronic devices then eat at home ( unless SN)

As the parent of an autistic child we find this sort of attitude every where we go. We do not have electronic devices, due to other health problems she has a much lower mental age and prefers baby and toddler toys. Her favourites being a musical drum, a xylophone, a musical light up spinning top and a musical book. Unfortunately these only come with one volume and without them she becomes very upset and cries. I walk around carrying her or push her in her pushchair and sing to her but these don’t always work. I suppose I’m just supposed to keep her at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

No I don’t think you keep her home. But how do you balance your families needs against the needs of say twenty or thirty people in a restaurant? Or fifty people on a theatre?

Would you take your daughter into a quiet restaurant and hand her a noisy toy, knowing your and her peace will be bought at the expense of every other person in that restaurant?

Whose rights are greater? The majority or the minority?

In a play cafe it would be fine - but is it fair to expect everyone’s meal to be disturbed?

Is it an attitude to expect civility?

I appreciate there are no easy answers and I absolutely understand that for your daughter the noisy toys are essential - and I would be fine with them in places like shopping centres, doctors surgeries, flights, family attractions, trains, etc etc.

But surely you wouldn’t go to a mainly adult restaurant and expect everyone in the dining room to listen to a loud toddler toy for an hour?

First of all I wouldn’t be selfish enough to take her to a theatre (designed to be quiet places) or some high end restaurant. But I also think it unfair to expect her to only be allowed into places other people think is appropriate. She has as much right to go out and enjoy life as much as anyone else especially as she has spent more than half her life in a hospital bed. So although I am sympathetic and always apologise if she causes a disturbance, it isn’t nice to be told I should be more considerate of other people or come across a post like this that could well be aimed at my child. As I stated above I do try other ways to keep her calm but I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if she should make noise sometimes