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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call the police? Not sure what to do...

79 replies

Livingtothefull · 06/08/2021 15:01

We can clearly hear the couple next door rowing through the wall, this happens frequently. A couple of times (like today) it sounds as though it is getting really heated and I am actually concerned for her. I could hear him shouting 'Shut up', 'Shut your mouth' over and over again. I heard her whimpering a couple of times as if she might be in pain, and shouting 'Let go'.

I don't feel comfortable just ignoring this, however I am worried about making matters worse if I get involved.

I am worried about the possible implications for me if the neighbours were to know I had called the police or otherwise got involved (horribly selfish I know but my family is v vulnerable for entirely separate reasons and I just can't put us at risk in any way) - but am also worried in case it escalated and I had done nothing.

Please advice what you think I should do here?

OP posts:
Twillow · 06/08/2021 15:40

Please call. I wish my neighbours had.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 06/08/2021 15:40

@noblegreenk bloody hell, hope things are good for you now.

Paddingtonthebear · 06/08/2021 15:41

I would call but I wouldn’t want them to know it was me. I dont agree that all men are frightened of the police unfortunately, lots of people who physically abuse have done it before and continue doing it even after police involvement. Report and stay anonymous for your own safety.

5128gap · 06/08/2021 15:42

@NotWanting

I told my DV prick of a neighbour that I called the police on him and would continue to do so.

They are never as scary as you expect.

This is a dangerous myth. Many men who commit DV are very dangerous to people outside of the home too. They do not all turn into gibbering wrecks at the sight of the police, another man, or a concerned member of the public. OP you should call, but stress your own vulnerability and need to remain anonymous.
Popetthetreehugger · 06/08/2021 15:42

If your that worried , maybe ask police to say it was called in by a delivery driver , if you can hear threw the wall then it can be heard in the street , or if it’s hot where you are and windows open , a house at the back ? The police are smart , they will cover for you 💐

Pebbledashery · 06/08/2021 15:42

Call, call and call again.
My old neighbours used to repeatedly call the police when my ex was hurting me, they probably saved my life quite a few times.

Mistyplanet · 06/08/2021 15:44

Call. Even if people find out it was you I highly doubt anyone would be violent towards you or your son.

noblegreenk · 06/08/2021 15:53

[quote Ihopeyourcakeisshit]@noblegreenk bloody hell, hope things are good for you now.[/quote]
They are thanks.

Redglitter · 06/08/2021 15:58

I'd call now and ask for advice. I've called 101 a few times and they've always been really helpful

In the case of domestic incidents, certainly in the Force I'm with, once you make any call even as a 3rd party it'll be checked out so keep that in mind.

A lot of the calls we get reporting domestic incidents are 3rd party reports. The callers details are NEVER given to anyone and when you call you can ask that any further contact from.officers is done via the phone so they don't go to your door.

Please do phone especially if you hear anything again

Redglitter · 06/08/2021 16:00

If your that worried , maybe ask police to say it was called in by a delivery driver

They'll just say they've had a call. They won't give any details of who called them

MzHz · 06/08/2021 16:00

Have you heard her moving about?

Call 101 for a welfare check

toocold54 · 06/08/2021 16:01

I would definitely call now he’s gone out as she can say what happened before he comes back.
Although I would be listening out for when he gets back incase it kicks off thinking she phoned them.

PineappleWilson · 06/08/2021 16:02

One of our neighbours has a history of domestic violence, linked to alcohol and drug abuse. Both parties are violent but he's built like a brick outhouse and she is not. Out of our 8 houses, I think 6 have phoned the police at some point since the first lock down started, including several times a night. You don't have to give your name and it's useful for the police to have a log of repeated calls to an address like this.

SirenSays · 06/08/2021 16:04

I called about my old neighbours when I heard him hitting her. I said I was walking past and heard it and wanted to remain anonymous. As far as I'm aware nothing actually happened but it's better there's a record of it I suppose.

penguinwithasuitcase · 06/08/2021 16:22

@NotWanting

I told my DV prick of a neighbour that I called the police on him and would continue to do so.

They are never as scary as you expect.

They absolutely can be.

Please don't perpetuate this - just because it turned out ok for you doesn't mean it does for everyone.

3peassuit · 06/08/2021 16:50

Call. The police will keep you anonymous.

PumpkinKlNG · 06/08/2021 16:52

But the neighbours will easily guess who it was

JeepersCreeping · 06/08/2021 16:54

I told my DV prick of a neighbour that I called the police on him and would continue to do so.
They are never as scary as you expect.

Please don't repeat this. In your case it was fine, in others not - I recently read of a story where the DV perpetrator killed his partner and a neighbour she'd saught help from with very little warning, I don't think you should be advising people that abusers aren't as scary as you'd expect.

OP should anonymously report to Police, flagging that she cannot be involved but is concerned.

Redglitter · 06/08/2021 16:59

But the neighbours will easily guess who it was

Not necessarily. It could be one of several or many depending on the layout of the house & Street. Or a passer by

PumpkinKlNG · 06/08/2021 17:05

They will most likely decide it was the op tbh, if someone reported me I would believe it was a next door neighbour

Amandasummers · 06/08/2021 17:17

Jesus just call. I’d rather call and save a life and have them know it was me than live with having sat back and done nothing.

PommieCheeks75 · 06/08/2021 17:17

I hope you called, I was knocked about for 3 hours one night by a drunk boyfriend, the next day a neighbour asked if I was ok! They heard but did nothing…

mam0918 · 06/08/2021 17:18

As someone who has been in the same situation dont call.

I had my door kicked in and the guy threaten to kill me and my kid over far less, god only knows what he would have done if I had called the police on him during one of his many asaults screaming matches.

He called the police on me multiple times (over stupid non police things like my car being parked on MY land because he use to use that spot when the house was empty and still wanted too) and I mentioned it to the police on those occasions where the police had come to me to check... they never did anything about it, unless they find a half murdered woman they really arent going to intervene.

And reality is its going to be bloody obvious who would have called so not giving your name means nothing and intervening when hes at the peak of testosterone rage is dangerous - you are just introducing yourself and family as a new target.

PumpkinKlNG · 06/08/2021 17:20

Exactly and imo these people stay with the abuser then start on you for calling to save them

OzMoz · 06/08/2021 17:26

If someone had called the police 10 years ago for me I may not have lost my baby.

I would phone.