Am I being selfish?

[OrangeBuses]

DH decided he hated his job and wanted to retrain. He planned to set up a little computer shop and work out of the shop doing repairs. For 9 months he’s been training at weekends. He took a week off work to do a short course. He bought equipment. Total spend £3k.

I’ve supported him by looking after DD more than my fair share and doing more chores. He said when he opened the shop I would be the assistant. So he would be out the back doing repairs and I would talk to customers, order the parts, do the accounts and the advertising, etc. I was excited. I even did a short course on accounting. I’m disabled and without going into too much detail my disability makes it difficult for me to get hired. Employers meet me and reject me at face value, this has happened over and over since I finished college ten years ago. So I thought this was an opportunity for me to succeed without being discriminated against. Also a chance to work flexibly around caring for DD. We got approved for a business loan and started looking for premises to open the shop in January.

Last week DH’s employer offered him a promotion and he accepted. He said he was only quitting because he felt undervalued but now he’s been promoted so he’s staying. I said wtf? You’ve wasted £3k and a whole load of my time and effort, and now you’re throwing it away? I was really angry. But more than anything I’m upset because my chance of being the assistant is gone. I won’t get another opportunity and I just feel incredibly depressed, like my chance has been snatched away. I’m not eating or sleeping because I’m so upset.

AIBU to be furious about this? DH says I’m being selfish and he isn’t speaking to me. Newspapers please don’t steal this story, I’m disabled and depressed and I just need some help, I don’t need my struggles publicised thanks.

I think this is probably better for your family overall. Most businesses fail within the first couple of years having got their owners into a lot of debt.
Fair enough for you to be disappointed for yourself and annoyed at the time and money your husband has spent.

I don't think you're being selfish to be disappointed or annoyed. I'd be disappointed at having the opportunity snatched out from under me. I would be annoyed at the waste of money too.

Pp is probably right about having more security this way but you have the right to your feelings. It also sounds like he's been making unilateral decisions about things that affect you and your family which would also annoy me.

YANBU to feel upset but he has chosen the more stable option.

Also if you don’t want newspapers to “steal your story” then the only way to guarantee that is not to post. Anything you post on a public forum can be lifted and printed; they don’t need your permission.

I can understand why this is so upsetting and disappointing for you, but if he wants to stay in his job, that’s a fair choice for him to make. It’s unfortunate that your hopes were raised so much, but you can’t make him feel bad for not supplying you with a job, that’s too much to expect.

I'm so sorry to hear this, op. I can imagine how upsetting that would have been when your had gotten your hopes up.

DH should have also discussed it with you first - you're meant to be a team.

But do you think maybe it could be a positive thing due to having security? Opening a business right now, especially after a pandemic, can be a risky undertaking.
Your DH should also at least sympathise with your disappointment instead of giving you the silent treatment... He sounds like he's 12

Its great you have done some training, now maybe you will have a better chance of finding a job?

YANBU to be disappointed, but he's not doing anything wrong as such.

Instead of relying on your DH, why not finding something that YOU can do? If you were able to work in the shop, you could work in your own, that's what I mean. Obviously a shop with fixed hours is not ideal with children, but why don't you look at what you can do and stay self-employed?

Make your own opportunities, plenty of people work from home, have a small business from home, or work with customers.

It could be anything from being a book keeper, having an online craft shop, working in a laundromat every morning, web design, tutoring... I don't know, but you know your skills, your interests.

Don't give up, just do your own thing. If you don't need the money to start with, you have so much freedom to train if needed and start something.

I can understand your disappointment but he has chosen the more stable option for your family.

Setting up your own business would require a lot of work and it was probably a bit unrealistic to think you could work flexibly while trying to get the business off the ground. You would probably have been working all hours to make a go of it.

you can’t make him feel bad for not supplying you with a job, that’s too much to expect
Well it was supposed to be a partnership. Not him “supplying” a job. We’ve signed our names on the business loan together. Were this close to signing the lease for a shop together. And he’s just dumped me. Yes we have more security this way but there was more opportunity in starting a business. Not everyone prioritises security. Basically you’re saying that nobody should ever start a business because a steady job is more secure.

YANBU to be disappointed, but he's not doing anything wrong as such
I actually think it’s really unfair and wrong to make plans to start a business then just ditch your business partner after 9 months of effort and investment.

I really feel for you, how disappointing for you. I can see why he’s done it though.

Well done for doing the accounting course. If it interested you could that be something you look into for the future? Maybe you could get a small work from home type job doing the accounts of another business?

He is right to choose security over uncertainty. He has not only himself to finance but a wife and child so has to provide for three people. That’s a huge amount of responsibility.

If you can work in a shop for him you can work elsewhere or do something from home. Likely with better hours as setting up a business and making it profitable quickly takes a lot of effort and hours.

If you were able to work in the shop, you could work in your own, that's what I mean
I already volunteer in a charity shop. But no employer will hire me to do a paid role. The charity shop lets me work there because they don’t have to pay me and they’re not picky. But employers are picky and I’ve had some nasty feedback about my disability over the years. This was my only chance.

Look, you have a right to your feelings, but to be blunt, he’d be mad to prioritise your desire to have a job over the longterm financial well-being of the family, in which I assume he’s currently the only earner. Thanks hats a stressful position to be in.

This type of business has a massive failure rate and working together can strain a lot of marriages. Try thinking about how else you could use the new skills you have learned.

THAT’S a stressful position, sorry.

I am sorry that this happened to you, sounds like you were very excited. I know a lot of disabled people who work, but know it can be hard to find employment. I have to gently agree with the others who have said his decision is not unreasonable. But can see why you are upset about the consequences of this on you.

@OrangeBuses

If you were able to work in the shop, you could work in your own, that's what I mean I already volunteer in a charity shop. But no employer will hire me to do a paid role. The charity shop lets me work there because they don’t have to pay me and they’re not picky. But employers are picky and I’ve had some nasty feedback about my disability over the years. This was my only chance.

you don't have to be an employee! Why do you think you need an employer?

Leave the charity shop, train or start something. We can't tell you what you can do, but you can ask for ideas if you tell posters about your skills and interests.

I completely understand why you feel that way. You had main plans together. You had emotional and financial investment. He should have discussed it will you so you could come to a decision together.

I’m sorry you feel your disability is a barrier- do you think it’s a genuine barrier or could it be impacting on your confidence? Reason I ask is that there are lots of people with disabilities with very successful careers.
It sounds as though running a business could be a great opportunity for you. Could you use the loan to do something to follow your own interests? Re purpose or sell the equipment?
I understand your disappointment and DP was wrong not to discuss this with you, however at the moment a regular and stable income is definitely sensible. I think you need to look at what your talents are and make your own opportunities rather than relying on DP.

It's a tough one and to be fair, he was being selfish in the first instance to clearly only wanted to do it because he was unhappy with his job.

As people have said, most businesses like these fail early on or struggle to bring enough income. At least now you have more security, I expect he is paying towards a mortgage, would get some sickness income if ill/injured.

So even though he acted selfishly initially, he probably realised that his dream that he then shared with you was very risky and it is for the best that he has now been promoted.

Ultimately, is there any way you could set yourself self-employed and he could help in the evenings and weekends?

I understand you are angry, but i think he chose correctly.

It wasn't your only chance. You can make something of yourself by yourself. I don't know what your disability is, but can you wfh? Tons of wfh customer service jobs now some with good progression too.

I know it feels shit right now, but he's done the right thing long-term.

As the sole earner, he needs to choose security over anything else.

I suspect you can see why he’s done it though op. He’s basically guaranteed a secure income, over one where it may fail and money may become an issue for you noth.

However why can’t you start something different on your own?

Have you posted about this before? When you wanted to be trained on something because you had childcare and he wanted to use the opportunity for something else?