Am I being selfish?

[OrangeBuses]

DH decided he hated his job and wanted to retrain. He planned to set up a little computer shop and work out of the shop doing repairs. For 9 months he’s been training at weekends. He took a week off work to do a short course. He bought equipment. Total spend £3k.

I’ve supported him by looking after DD more than my fair share and doing more chores. He said when he opened the shop I would be the assistant. So he would be out the back doing repairs and I would talk to customers, order the parts, do the accounts and the advertising, etc. I was excited. I even did a short course on accounting. I’m disabled and without going into too much detail my disability makes it difficult for me to get hired. Employers meet me and reject me at face value, this has happened over and over since I finished college ten years ago. So I thought this was an opportunity for me to succeed without being discriminated against. Also a chance to work flexibly around caring for DD. We got approved for a business loan and started looking for premises to open the shop in January.

Last week DH’s employer offered him a promotion and he accepted. He said he was only quitting because he felt undervalued but now he’s been promoted so he’s staying. I said wtf? You’ve wasted £3k and a whole load of my time and effort, and now you’re throwing it away? I was really angry. But more than anything I’m upset because my chance of being the assistant is gone. I won’t get another opportunity and I just feel incredibly depressed, like my chance has been snatched away. I’m not eating or sleeping because I’m so upset.

AIBU to be furious about this? DH says I’m being selfish and he isn’t speaking to me. Newspapers please don’t steal this story, I’m disabled and depressed and I just need some help, I don’t need my struggles publicised thanks.

You’re not selfish to be annoyed, £3k is a lot of money to waste.

However, I think it is probably the better and safer financial move for the family. I don’t know many computer repair shops that have survived.

People don’t tend to keep equipment much out of warranty these days, we’re a throwaway-and-upgrade society, and as computer tech moves so fast, it’s often replaced before it needs repair anyway.

do you think it’s a genuine barrier or could it be impacting on your confidence?
Based on some of the nastier feedback I’ve had, my disability is a problem. If they’d put it in writing I would have taken them to court. Even DH has said you can’t really argue with that because it’s true.

I think it is understandable to be upset, bit I think you are asking too much, really.

I have a partner who has gone through a business failure (twice actually) and it is not a great situation. The idea of going through this when the business employs both partners is pretty awful. And it is a tricky time to be setting up something new.

I would have made the same call tbh. I don't think that the previous time and effort means he was obliged to move forwards - that money and time is already gone, you have to just make the best decision at the time.

I would use your training to look for other roles. I appreciate this is hard.

Also, could you look at taking on some bookkeeping clients if you’ve done a qualification? That’s very flexible work which can be done from home.

It must feel very hard but I think he's made the right decision. As others have said, I'd look into self employment for you.

I completely understand why he’s done this-it is far more secure. It seems you had put all your eggs in this one basket though and he would be entirely responsible for making his business a success and also providing you with a job.

What is your disability-has it really prevented you from ever working since college? Have you never had a job?

To be fair I’d also have made the same call. I understand why it’s disappointing for you, but I think you need to look at the bigger picture. One of you having a secure income is always going to be the best plan, start ups have a huge failure rate.

I’m also curious if you’ve posted about this before ans maybe changed some of the minor details to make it look different?

YADNBU

I think he has been selfish in not taking your feelings into account, not talking to you, and from what it sounds like lying about his reasons for wanting to leave his job.

My husband has been made redundant, changed jobs, etc and every time we have discussed it together because we are a team. He has left jobs because he was unhappy and I supported him but we talked through it before any decisions were made and what the ramifications were before doing anything.

His dismissal of your feelings on top of him calling you selfish, the silent treatment and knowing your struggles with finding work due to your disability is wrong. You are allowed to be disappointed after he blindsided you. Yes, it is great he has been promoted but the lack of communication and treatment is troubling.

I do agree that you should try and see if you can put your new accounting skills to use and see if you can get some freelancing wfh opportunities. I did so in the past working for people in different countries before I moved to the U.K.

The idea of going through this when the business employs both partners is pretty awful.

Yeah. I wpuld find that very stress. We always had back up plans and different venture to make money so it's not just one aource which can go with a flick if a switch. Putting all eggs into one basket is just not safe.

Lots of people have quite romanticised idea of having a business and reality often doesn't live up to it and vauses stress and friction.

I met people opening bars, cafes etc and shutting in few months be a it was too much for them but didn't make money they needed to live on.

Op I can feel your upset and hopelessness in your writing. I can see why he has chosen the option he did but i also think he needs to acknowledge your feelings and your hurt.

I was also going to suggest that you look into starting your own book keeping business. I think you could be really successful. Does your local council have a business advisory service?? Start investigating your options and you might find in a couple of years time that you are incredibly grateful that he made the decision he did. Wishing you all the best.

Ultimately, is there any way you could set yourself self-employed and he could help in the evenings and weekends?
He gets home at 7 so that doesn’t leave much time for an evening job, they probably want you to start before 7. On Thursdays I do a zoom quiz and he already whinges that he hates Thursdays, because he comes from work straight to childcare so he never stops all day. He’s always angry on a Thursday. I can’t see him being happy about doing that every night.

I understand why you're upset and disappointed. I would be too but

I think it's unfair of you to say your husband taking a secure position to support your family along with getting the promotion he desperately wanted all along has taken away your 'only chance'

It's really not the end of the world you're being overdramatic. How do you know the business wouldn't be a disaster, debt grabber and PITA to work with him daily anyway?

Is there a reason you can’t work in the day? Presumably the shop would have been open in the day not the evening so it’s obviously a possibility.

How old is DD?

And I don't know if you properly thought the childcare bit before as well. I mean, both at work mean need for childcare whether you are at the same job or different ones. Working together wouldn't be as flecible as you may have thought because you would both need to work

I recognise your backstory about the disability too. You've posted about the feedback you've had before. Those were distressing experiences, I agree, but they don't have to define the rest of your life in the way you're allowing them to.

Declaring that "nobody will ever" employ you is a self-fulfilling prophecy - thinking like that changes your behaviour in unhelpful ways. Like meaning you refuse to even try, sabotage yourself, and allow your negative attitude to seep into your interactions.

Twisting the facts about your engagement by the charity is also unhelpful. They chose to recruit you as a volunteer which is positive and shows you are employable, but you are choosing to twist it into a negative to fit the narrative in your head. Again, not helping yourself.

You've been doing re-training for this venture, so you can't have previously applied for or been rejected for jobs in roles of that type if you've only just started acquiring the skills. If you choose not to pursue work in that field then that is your choice, not something imposed on you.

Equally, if you can pursue re-training for this venture, why can't you pursue re-training in a field without the barriers due to disability or without the memories of previous experiences?

Fair enough to feel disappointed, but at some point you have to let those feelings go to move forward. You're not helpless, you're choosing to be. Spending your life angry at the world instead of changing course is a waste.

Twisting the facts about your engagement by the charity is also unhelpful. They chose to recruit you as a volunteer which is positive and shows you are employable, but you are choosing to twist it into a negative to fit the narrative in your head. Again, not helping yourself

Is this true, OP? What actually happened?

How old is your DC?

@OrangeBuses

Ultimately, is there any way you could set yourself self-employed and he could help in the evenings and weekends? He gets home at 7 so that doesn’t leave much time for an evening job, they probably want you to start before 7. On Thursdays I do a zoom quiz and he already whinges that he hates Thursdays, because he comes from work straight to childcare so he never stops all day. He’s always angry on a Thursday. I can’t see him being happy about doing that every night.

Oh, yes, I remember this guy.

He treats you really inexcusable badly. Posters have told you that before. Fairly sure the conclusion was that he is abusing you.

He is a large factor in you feeling so hopeless and shit.

Working towards leaving him would improve your life and well-being. Which is another thing that is within your power to do.

This was my only chance.
You’re obviously feeling awful at the moment to believe this. Are you looking after yourself emotionally? Do you have real life support? I’m so sorry you feel so crap right now.

I voted YABU, not because you are 'wrong' but I think a computer repair business from a shop premises is a massive risk. He could do this job from home part time anyway and bring in extra.

I like that you've trained in accounting- keep going! Set up on your own when you get qualified. I live overseas and my British qualifications and experience seem to be worth nothing here so I got qualified in another field and work happily part-time in HE. I still make the odd stab at a business role and never even get a thank you for applying email. But, its the old when life gives you lemons...

Grieve, sulk and then come around to your own new opportunities. You can do it!

I feel sorry for you. It’s been a waste of time, money and hope 💐

@DinosaurDiana

I feel sorry for you. It’s been a waste of time, money and hope 💐

Not really imho. Rather than waste and end of everything this could be used as -lesson that things change -stepping stone to go on do something by herself using knowledge she gained -a kick to do something, bit of motivation knowing that if i knew i could do x, I can do y or at least try

I'm with you OP.

Maybe not around the 'it's my only chance at a job' stuff, because that's not his job or his responsibility, but you supported him with time and money and emotion and practical support for years to help build this thing that he wanted in the first place then at the 11th hour he decides to change plans that affect both of you without including you in the decision and also to me it feels like he was misleading you the whole time about his reasons for wanting to do this in the first place. If it was just about status and feeling valued he should have just looked elsewhere for a different job or spoken to his employers first. So yes I'm my eyes you have a right to be upset.

And the posters saying it's the most secure option, I dont think that's the point at all. It might be, but both the OP and her husband had decided together to take the less secure option with potentially bigger pay iff and both were happy with that and spent 3 years working towards that. How is it not shit for him to change this long term joint plan at the last minute without discussing it.

And to be honest he sounds like a bit of a shit all round. Not talking to you, when you're reasonably upset at him changing your plans, is shit. Telling you that he can understand why employers have treated you badly in the past, is shit. Him being angry on Thursdays because he has to parent his own children solo on one day a week while you have fun, is shit. It sounds like he is holding you back to be honest.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick unles i misunderstood it was 9 months, not 3 years of time slent on this. Shich still sucks, but shit hapoems and at least op came out of it with new skills

It does sound like he treated you badly. You need to feel loved and heard and be able to communicate freely which is not happening here.

On the other hand you’ve got all these management skills and you sound really organised and you’ve got the first level in book keeping. All really good stuff. Book keepers and accountants make very good money and many are self employed. I think you could be onto something here. What’s holding you back?

OP could you take the classes he took and just do it on your own? If people bring you their computers to fix could you do that in the shop? You might find with a small self-owned business that you don't necessarily need someone in an "assistant" role. What do you think?