AIBU to want to share domestic responsibilities

[Orangespike]

I’m newly pregnant with a 19m old. Partner who is lovely in every other way does zero housework.
I work 3 days he works shifts 5 days sometimes 6.
He seems to be of the opinion that when he hammers the overtime doing 6 days a week for months that the time before and after his shifts are his nap time or relaxing time and that really I should do washing, cleaning, cooking etc. He’s hinted at that in chats with him saying well you get a break when he goes to sleep. He never makes the first move to get the baby when he wakes in the morning he just stays in bed till I have to ask him to get up.
He does have a bigger share of the financial responsibility than me but I just didn’t think my life would end up as old fashioned as this?! Or is it just how life still is?
The guilt of not contributing as much money holds me back from pushing him to do more. But the resentment is eating at me towards my otherwise lovely lovely partner.
AIBU to expect him to work more than me but also be up and helping me in the times when we are both home together with our child?
*also any tips on how to discuss this without it sounding like a list of all his faults : (

Did he do his share around the house before baby?

It's not about who works more hours, it's about having equal leisure time (time not spent working or doing chores or doing childcare). Do you?

How much house work did he do before you had the first baby, when it was just you two ?

FFS he is not a 'lovely lovely partner'.
Wake up and raise your bar up off the floor.

Agree with @Outfoxedbyrabbits. When you are off work, are you looking after you 19m old? If so, that doesn't count as leisure time.

He sounds like a twat. Would he use his overtime pay for a cleaner? If not he needs to grow up.

I can totally relate to this. My partner is lovely and works hard 5 days a week and I’m currently on mat leave with our 5mth old and I also have a 9yr old. He denies that he feels this way but then his attitude and random comments he makes come across as resentful that I’m “not working” and he seems to feel that when his working day is over he is justified in putting his feet up and relaxing. Whereas my ‘working day’ never ends, with the kids, cooking dinner and clearing up after, washing, bedtimes etc. I don’t get to sit down until at least 9 sometimes 10pm. We’ve had multiple —rows— discussions in the subject and it seems to be gong in via ‘slowly slowly catchy monkey’ I have no real advice, just sympathy. I didn’t think my partner was as old fashioned as this.

You’re all making me laugh with relief that I’m not crackers even if I am being a doormat!
He’s never done it, I can see his mum and dads relationship panning out in my own home. Man works stupid amounts of hours and woman does everything else.
I am always with my DS if I’m not in work. So if he’s working I’m with my baby. I’ve always paid my own way I’m life and I hate not earning enough to contribute half I feel like I lost some power of my life. He honestly is the funniest loveliest man he’s just in the wrong era!
Thanks for the bollockings I needed them 😂👍🏻

@Allinadayswork80 you just described it exactly. And then when I do try I feel like a nag having to micromanage every single thing I want him to do. I say speak to other people they don’t live like this it’s like the 1950s!
You have my sympathy 😬😬😬

Tell him you’re at your wits end and he either needs to help you or pay for a cleaner. There’s no way you could keep up 3 days a week in work with a baby/pregnancy and a toddler PLUS a man that doesn’t do his own washing. Write down all the work you do in a day and the times you do it and then write down all the times he does work in a day. Make sure it’s accurate then show him that he has far more leisure time than you, you just don’t get paid for the work you do. Also, don’t sell yourself short, put all of the little things you get up to do that ‘only’ take five minutes but you have to get up and down for and never get a proper rest in. He’s not that lovely if he’s happy for you to work yourself into the ground either. I totally get how these things can just happen but he’s being extremely stubborn and selfish in this situation and needs to start listening to you.

@ikeepseeingit thank you so much. I agree with everything you said and I’m mortified at what I’ve let it get like this. That’s really good advice of how to point out what I’m actually doing. I also do not want my sons future partner to ever be thinking like this one day!

Stop feeling guilty. You're looking after his child, soon to be children, so he never has to give it headspace. If you worked as much as him, you'd be paying a lot more in childcare costs.

Does he ever do nappy changes unprompted, look after the baby on his own or otherwise care for him/her? If not, things need to change or else you're going to be struggling even more when you have both a toddler and a new born to care for.

Definitely get a cleaner so that's one less thing to worry about, stop doing his washing and scale back on what cooking you do, definitely no elaborate 'man meals' when you're probably happy with soup or eggs half the time.

He needs to be cooking tea on his day off, at least.
My DH is retired and even though I’m still working part time, all he contributes is to cook tea on the days I work and mow the lawn.
I often think about how much he’ll have to do when I leave him 🤣🤣🤣

I know it's not a popular view here, but I personally agree with his position. He works 5 or 6 days, you work 3 days. In the days/hours you don't work, it's reasonable that your 'job' is to look after your child and the home. It's perfectly possible to do both.

Ultimately, you both have it hard right now, both working long hours, both tired. Adding another child is going to be even harder. That's life though, and the same for many. It will get easier, when the children are older, and hopefully when your OH income increases and he can reduce his hours.

Life is tiring. Some are lucky to have it good and manage to fit in more leisurely time, but the majority have little time to rest and take it easy. These are rare privileges, but ultimately, we've chosen to have children, so that's what comes with it.

@BarbaraofSeville when he’s with the baby he’s great because it’s like he knows what to do now. But the house stuff it’s like he’s absolutely blind to it. I’ve thought that about the washing even if I start with that then it might wake him up a bit. That’s all good advice thank you. I just basically need to stop being a doormat!

I don’t think you can expect him to do half, but he does need to do something.
I’ve seen it on MN before that you shouldn’t do his washing, but why would you not put his in when you’re putting a load on for you and the kids, it seems petty to me. It’s also a waste of water/electric/powder.

It does get easier, but not for a long, long time. My advice is to sort this out before the resentment burns a hole in your relationship. People sort this out on different ways. Some women who like being at home with a lot of family support just play out the traditional work split and adapt to it, some who feel oppressed by it make sure they are working and earning equally with the man and get childcare for the rest. The main thing now is to agree when you get to not be with the kids. You need to out of the house, away from it all. If you don't think the sixth shift is worth it, tell him if he wants to do that one he needs to find childcare for it, because that shift is technically your time off that he is using.

how much housework did he do before the baby when you both worked equally?

He's not lovely.

Why do women keep getting pregnant in situations like this?

If you get your break when baby sleeps then do just that, don't use the time to do washing or housework (after all it's your break). 'Work' in the house when your partner is at work and only when he is at work, don't do anything at the weekend, after all it's the weekend so work stops - let him feel what the impact of that looks like

Doesn’t sound lovely to me
Nothing lovely about a sexist

I would make it crystal clear to him that you are not getting the leisure time he gets, you will burn out, the way he is behaving will only lead to resentment and that if he chooses to opt out of family responsibilities in the end you might find it easier to leave and look after yourself and the two kids rather than carry him too.
You can get a cleaner or additional child care if you can stretch to that, or you can leave him tasks to do that he will end up having to do like washing his own clothes or making his own dinner and doing his own shopping if you eat with the kids....
You are not wrong though, with 2 very young kids you can't do it all alone and f you set a pattern now it will fix and when you are back at work full time that will be you carrying it all.
I'd also recommend leaving him to it with the 19mth old on downtime, tell him to take a day off and go visit your parents for the weekend.

I wouldn’t call someone that refuses to lift a finger and is reluctant to do so even with their own child lovely… please raise your bar, it appears currently to be a tavern in Hades.

Yep if he’s working twice as a much as you the split isn’t going to be quite 50/50 but he should do SOMETHING. He can cook one meal a week/wash up/put a wash on etc.
When I see these threads I literally don’t know how people put up with this I’d leave.

I think it's 50/50
Care and responsibility when you're both at home. You by default will do more as you're at home more, but when he gets home it's back to 50/50 with regards to baby, household etc.

He's a lazy arse and needs a kick up his arse!