AIBU to want to share domestic responsibilities

[Orangespike]

I’m newly pregnant with a 19m old. Partner who is lovely in every other way does zero housework.
I work 3 days he works shifts 5 days sometimes 6.
He seems to be of the opinion that when he hammers the overtime doing 6 days a week for months that the time before and after his shifts are his nap time or relaxing time and that really I should do washing, cleaning, cooking etc. He’s hinted at that in chats with him saying well you get a break when he goes to sleep. He never makes the first move to get the baby when he wakes in the morning he just stays in bed till I have to ask him to get up.
He does have a bigger share of the financial responsibility than me but I just didn’t think my life would end up as old fashioned as this?! Or is it just how life still is?
The guilt of not contributing as much money holds me back from pushing him to do more. But the resentment is eating at me towards my otherwise lovely lovely partner.
AIBU to expect him to work more than me but also be up and helping me in the times when we are both home together with our child?
*also any tips on how to discuss this without it sounding like a list of all his faults : (

I think personally it depends on a lot of things. As a family we have been in various work/sah situations over the last 15 years. When dd was little I worked 3 full days and did everything at home because I had 2 or 3 extra days free from work and housework doesn't take 2 or 3 full days.

Then I worked full time, or 30 hours at least while dd was at school, then did all the after school stuff so we had a cleaner as we wanted to relax at a weekend.

Then I worked from home, dd was older and needed less care so, my hours were half of dhs so I did the housework.

Then ds was born, dh was working away in the week so I did mon to fri with the kids, fit in housework around them in the week. Then dh spent time with the kids Saturday mornings while I whizzed around with the hoover etc.

As ds got older again I wfh, more hours so dh stepped up a bit more. He does food shopping on a weekend (I hate it) and cooks Saturday teatime. We shared weekend lie ins when ds was small and waking early. I'm a full time student so work when I need to, if it's a weekend obviously dh entertains ds, takes dd where she needs to be, does whatever needs doing.

And although it sounds written down as tho I have always done everything domestic, I have always had a lot more leisure time and a lot more time doing fun stuff with the kids while dh pulls his bollocks off working.

It's easy, especially when they are small, to seethe with resentment over who has more leisure time etc. From experience it's harder on the part time/sahp when they are small. But as they get older and easier it swings the other way if you maintain a part time working pattern. So I would say it depends what your long term family plans are. I've been lucky in that I've never had to work a 9-5 job and we can afford for me to go to uni now so that by the time ds has finished with primary education I should have a degree and will then look at working full-time. So I will have had probably 20 years of part time work/study compared to dhs 20 years full-time graft.

I think he should do his share while he is at home, but shouldn't be expected to do half of everything when he's only at home 1 or 2 days a week.

Also if you can afford it, I definitely recommend a cleaner even a couple of hours a week. Will really take the pressure off both of you!

He's not lovely. If he was lovely he wouldn't be letting his pregnant wife do everything.

I’ve seen it on MN before that you shouldn’t do his washing, but why would you not put his in when you’re putting a load on for you and the kids, it seems petty to me. It’s also a waste of water/electric/powder.

All adults do their own washing in our house. I know MN seems to struggle with this one but it's not a waste of water/electricity/ powder because you're still doing full loads.

As soon as DS is old enough he'll be doing his own too. At 6 he already has his own wash basket and he knows that's where his dirty clothes go to be washed.

@lastqueenofscotland

I wouldn’t call someone that refuses to lift a finger and is reluctant to do so even with their own child lovely… please raise your bar, it appears currently to be a tavern in Hades.

Yep if he’s working twice as a much as you the split isn’t going to be quite 50/50 but he should do SOMETHING. He can cook one meal a week/wash up/put a wash on etc.
When I see these threads I literally don’t know how people put up with this I’d leave.

Absolutely. It often depresses me when I read relationship threads on MN. It's not only the OP either, it's the horrifying comments defending such BS behaviour. "Well he does work more than you" or "he is bringing in more money than you". Assuming he knew he will have to work full time and look after his children AND pull through on daily chores? It was HIS decision to do this as well.

Just stop doing anything for him. Wash cook and clean for you and the child/ren. Leave his stuff. When he sits down, you sit down. Don't say anything. If he tries doing any kind of chore, don't tell him how. Don't tell him what needs to be done. Let him think it through for himself.

These men want to have their cake and eat it.

The feel entitled to believe that chores and housework and cooking and shopping and laundry are ‘nothing’

Yet they refuse to do it. Because they deserve leisure time. In which case it must be ‘work’

They can’t have it both ways.

As you’re newly pregnant your staring down a barrel here. With two children the load (juggling of different needs) increases exponentially.

You’re staring down a barrel.

I would set a deadline of getting a more equitable split by the time new baby comes. Or I would be out and going it alone.

However you sort this is down to you. But don’t continue like this.

I have worked 20 hours a week since DC born and DH has always done 60-80 hours a week.
I always had a cleaner (even before DC) though
I did all washing, meal planning, day to day tidying. He enjoys supermarket shopping and always done big shop of heavy stuff.
BUT when he came home from work, he always took DC - bathed them/gave them bottles/entertained them - while I sorted meal out or did other stuff I'd been too busy to do in the day when they were small. We shared either doing bedtime or tidying from evening meal and so we both sat down together when they were both in bed. He does heavier jobs like lawn/bins/ladders to change lightbulbs
That felt fair to me.

Thanks for replying everyone 😊 you can see just from this there’s so many different reactions and opinions.
Me from 15 years ago would have laughed in disbelief at me now!
I think the most helpful thing you’ve all said is working out the free/leisure time. Maybe if I can see that that’s fair then I’ll feel better.
I’m definitely going to be more vocal though. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t want to spend my life seething like this, life’s too short.
Thanks everyone I’m going to get a backbone!!

When I was younger and the kids were little I did everything. Shopping, his family’s presents/cards, housework and gardening. DH worked away a lot and I wanted his days off to be purely for leisure time. He would usually cook tea on one of his days off.
Looking back now I ran myself ragged doing that and part time work. I felt like the perfect wife.
Fast forward to DH being retired and me still working PT. His only contribution is cooking tea on the days I work, mowing the lawn (not weeding) and drying a load of washing if I’ve put a load on on my way out.
You need to set the bar before any kids come along. Sort out who has responsibility for what and stick to it.

I agree with his position too.

If my DH worked three days and I had to work six to pick up the lack of their financial input I wouldn’t expect to be looking after the house either.

I’d not be happy with the situation though so would never have agreed to support the part time hours in the first instance. I wanted our children to see an equal split of sharing the financial burden, home things and parenting. Plus I don’t feel it would be fair to expect one person to work far more simply because they are male.

@femfemlicious

Why do women keep getting pregnant in situations like this?

This.

If my DH worked three days and I had to work six to pick up the lack of their financial input I wouldn’t expect to be looking after the house either.

Come on now. She's doing all the childcare. And picking up the lack of his domestic input.

don’t feel it would be fair to expect one person to work far more simply because they are male.

You clearly have a very skewed view of this. What she does is also work. If she didn't, they'd have to pay for childcare. Housework is also work.

You should make a bill, listing every single chore and thing you do for 19m old. Google the going rate for a cleaner, dry cleaner, child minder, personal chef, etc. Then list your actual job hours in a separate list. You'll soon see you work way way more hours a week than he does.

Show him the list, point out you work x hours in unpaid labour, that would cost £y to outsource, before you even think about your actual paid job (then show him the other list).

If he still doesn't get it, or doesn't care, he never will.

First, the point about equal leisure time is key. That needs to be sorted before anything else.

But just as important, you need to have a serious chat with yourself about what you want your life to be. Some women are quite happy with a 1950ish set-up, earning less and doing more with childcare/housework. (Even then, leisure time should be equal.)

But is that the life you want? Do you want to cook his dinners and do the cleaning and childcare and shopping and the meal planning and make all the packed lunches and do all the school runs and the dentist appointments and the shuttling to and from playdates and the worrying/buying/prep for every Xmas and birthday? There is nothing wrong with that life - it can be hugely rewarding and really wonderful. But it's a choice you should make, not a box he should push you into. It's a choice that means career sacrifice and it takes a lot of trust in your dp and your relationship.

It just sounds like you had a different life in mind. How do you want this to go?

@TheGumption @femfemlicious from the outside I get that you could think this.
But despite my housework moans I have a very very loved and happy son who I desperately want to have a sibling.
I have a pretty happy life apart from having to wash my partners skiddy undies 😂 I couldn’t deprive my son of a sibling because his lovely daddy is not domesticated 🤷🏻‍♀️

And sadly I think this sort of set up is this norm. It's why I'm still single, and will probably never be married. I'm bad girlfriend/wife material, because never again will I be a skivvy for a lazy arsehole who thinks housework is womens work, and that because I have a vagina, it's my job to do their laundry and shit (done it once with my ex, never again).

For those saying OP should do all the housework as she only works part-time and can fit it round childcare, what was the man’s excuse for not doing it before the DC came along?

@PrincessNymeria that makes you excellent partner material with your new out look that’s just lovely self esteem!!

@TheDevils that’s so important and I need to remember little eyes watching us and us teaching life skills!

I assume the reason he doesn’t do anything now is because he didn’t do it before DC, and only ever saw his mum do the chores when he was growing up.

If he has some time at home, then he should do some housework

Well unfortunately this is the price you may have to pay for that decision. He may never change. His attitude is probably ingrained from how he was brought up. You can try to change this but it will be an uphill task.

@Farwest it isn’t what I imagined.
My dad was very domesticated my FIL is a workaholic so that’s how where each of our visions of fatherhood come from.
My family was not financially secure though and his very much is. So I see the other outcome of earning the money but also I want a shared life. We could die at 50 and then what’s the use!
I just don’t want to feel resentful it’s a bloody poisonous feeling isn’t it!

@femfemlicious you could be right. He’s never going to convince me the other way 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he works that much he must be pulling in good money. So, get a Cleaner and Ironer to come in twice a week.

Why be a martyr to housework?

Again, I do wonder at these posts because when the lazy gene is inherent in a man, the signs are always there sooner rather than later. Whether it's Mum does everything for him, and/or you've never seen him lift a broom or wash a plate. They don't magically change after you start living together, especially if you've also joined in skivvying for him before then.

This type of man doesn't change so Cleaner is your only option really