AIBU to want to share domestic responsibilities

[Orangespike]

I’m newly pregnant with a 19m old. Partner who is lovely in every other way does zero housework.
I work 3 days he works shifts 5 days sometimes 6.
He seems to be of the opinion that when he hammers the overtime doing 6 days a week for months that the time before and after his shifts are his nap time or relaxing time and that really I should do washing, cleaning, cooking etc. He’s hinted at that in chats with him saying well you get a break when he goes to sleep. He never makes the first move to get the baby when he wakes in the morning he just stays in bed till I have to ask him to get up.
He does have a bigger share of the financial responsibility than me but I just didn’t think my life would end up as old fashioned as this?! Or is it just how life still is?
The guilt of not contributing as much money holds me back from pushing him to do more. But the resentment is eating at me towards my otherwise lovely lovely partner.
AIBU to expect him to work more than me but also be up and helping me in the times when we are both home together with our child?
*also any tips on how to discuss this without it sounding like a list of all his faults : (

It’s fair for you to do the majority of housework because you are at home more, and he’s doing the majority of the paying for stuff.

In your position I’d choose some jobs that are to be solely his responsibility, agree on those and leave him to it

What are your friends’ lives like? Do they split chores, cooking etc. There was only one man in our friendship group with DC of a similar age, who believed everything to do within the house was woman’s work and he really stood out like a sore thumb (although unfortunately he was oblivious to this)

The way I look at this is:
He works 6 days a week (presumably 8-9 hour days with lunch & a commute to rest)
You work 3 days similar and have additional roles as a 24 hour housekeeper/ nanny/ night nanny with additional cooking duties - a specialised role which is very hard to recruit and quite expensive (look it up!), but you do it for free.
What would be fair would be if the housework/childcare was split 50:50 during the time he is not at work.
My husband tries to solve all these things by outsourcing them (cleaner, deliveroo etc) which is something, but somehow I find it irritating. Good luck!

Does he cook, wash up after dinner? If he doesn’t cook, can you get him to cook on his days he’s not at work?

lastqueenofscotland, I love your comment telling OP to raise her bar as it’s currently a tavern in Hades!
You are so right!
OP, I was a widowed single mum with a baby and a toddler. I worked part time as a hospital doctor and did absolutely everything at home from necessity. I couldn’t afford to buy in help and did all my own diy, decorating etc as well.
It was gruelling and exhausting and I didn’t have a life for years.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and it is insane that you are doing this voluntarily while your selfish DH sits on his backside.
Draw up some firm boundaries, tell DH it’s not negotiable, and just stop providing domestic services to him. Your life can only improve.

I had this problem years ago, and my mum pointed out that if my partner and I split up, he would still work as much but he would also need to have the kids on his own for part of the week, AND do all his own washing, housework and all the other life work.

There's nothing lovely about having no respect for you and treating you like his servant.

Cooking, cleaning, washing, etc are part of meeting one's own needs alongside working to pay the bills. They are normal responsibilities for all adults. Single people work full time, often long hours, and still do all those things.

The advantage of being in a relationship is that the burden of those responsibilities can be shared between both partners - not just dumped on the lowly woman whose purpose in life is to serve the superior menfolk.

His supposed logic about why he shouldn't have to lift a finger doesn't make sense - unless his primary reason for forming a relationship with you was to acquire a house maid?

My self esteem is fine, I think, I'm just realistic about what the majority of men in my area want in a long term partner, and it's not someone who won't do their washing for them, expects them to clean the toilet after themselves etc. Why pick a woman like that, when there are plenty who will do all that stuff for them My ex lived alone for years, was independent, but as soon as he moved in with me, it's like he let out a big sigh of relief and thought "well now I have a woman, I don't need to ever lift a finger again". I couldn't go through that again, but it still seems to be expected.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If my DH worked three days and I had to work six to pick up the lack of their financial input I wouldn’t expect to be looking after the house either.

When the OP isn't at work she isn't lolling around on the sofa watching trashy TV and eating bon bons, she is looking after their JOINT child! Do you genuinely believe that type of unpaid work carries no value at all? If the OP wasn't doing the childcare, the man would have to contribute to the cost of it being done by a professional. Because he's, y'know, half responsible for the child.

In the days you both work chores should be split 50-50. Dinner,clean up, baby care, tidying and laundry split right down the middle. No one sits down until you are both sitting down. Same with weekends.

Did you say he didn't do anything before you started your family? Why was that? He's not going to change? He's either lazy or sexist.

The words rod and back come to mind. You need to decide what sort of life you want. With him as things are and come to peace with that. Or without him.

Definitely put your feet up when the toddler has their nap. I'm 26 weeks with a two year old and I have a luxurious, slobber on the pillow nap most days and it's doing me a world of good!

@Orangespike i understand your plight. It is sooo hard being a woman. You carry most of the responsibilities and its really upsetting and exhausting. I cant really give you a magic bullet on how to change him as i was never able yo change my ex.

Since you guys still have a good relationship apart form this , sit him down and tell him that you are struggling and cannot do it alone. That you understand that he is used to the wife taking care of the household, you cant do that and he needs to do more. Set him tasks that are his responsibilty only. Also get a cleaner

[quote Orangespike]@TheDevils that’s so important and I need to remember little eyes watching us and us teaching life skills![/quote]
Exactly! It's always something I'm conscious of. I don't want my son to think it's acceptable to not pull his weight domestically.

@vivainsomnia

I know it's not a popular view here, but I personally agree with his position. He works 5 or 6 days, you work 3 days. In the days/hours you don't work, it's reasonable that your 'job' is to look after your child and the home. It's perfectly possible to do both.

But the OP's partner isn't only expecting her to do the looking after of the child and home during the hours he's at work, he's expecting her to do ALL of the looking after of the child and the home. The OP says he does zero housework, he is trying to get away with doing LESS than a single childless adult. Now that he's become a parent he doesn't seem to think, "Hey, there's a lot more that needs doing in the home now, I'd better step up" - he actually seems to think, "Score, because my partner is now working fewer hours at work than me I don't need to do ANY laundry or cleaning or cooking or anything at all at home, least of all any looking after if the child I have helped to bring into the world"

Ultimately, you both have it hard right now, both working long hours, both tired. Adding another child is going to be even harder. That's life though, and the same for many. It will get easier, when the children are older, and hopefully when your OH income increases and he can reduce his hours.

But literally ALL he's doing is work, which is just the bare minimum as an adult, right? Aren't most childless adults working full time AND doing housework, most people don't have a slave at home who does EVERYTHING else, do they?

Life is tiring. Some are lucky to have it good and manage to fit in more leisurely time, but the majority have little time to rest and take it easy. These are rare privileges, but ultimately, we've chosen to have children, so that's what comes with it.

At the moment, the OP's partner has significantly more leisure time than she does though, it's not that neither of them have much (although I do agree that's how it should be when you have small children, there isn't much leisure time available so you each get a little bit). If looking after their joint child is apparently leisure time, perhaps he could do ALL the childcare during the hours he's not at work?

If he thinks that when toddler naps, you have leisure time, then take him at his word. Keep a note of how many minutes leisure time you get, when they are and how long each 'chunk' lasts. Do absolutely nothing towards the h/w during that time, not even picking up toys/clothes off the floor. Then, when he moans at the state of things, you can point out that, as he suggested, you've taken some leisure time but it is disjointed, that you get less than him and the house falls apart when you do take that leisure time.

@Orangespike

You’re all making me laugh with relief that I’m not crackers even if I am being a doormat! He’s never done it, I can see his mum and dads relationship panning out in my own home. Man works stupid amounts of hours and woman does everything else. I am always with my DS if I’m not in work. So if he’s working I’m with my baby. I’ve always paid my own way I’m life and I hate not earning enough to contribute half I feel like I lost some power of my life. He honestly is the funniest loveliest man he’s just in the wrong era! Thanks for the bollockings I needed them 😂👍🏻

So you walked into this with your eyes open?

Why do you expect him to change? What if he doesn't?

I seen this posted on another thread & sums these type of situations up perfectly.

The below advice came from another parenting site, but it applies to your situation. You really need to take it on board

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

[quote Orangespike]**@TheGumption* @femfemlicious* from the outside I get that you could think this.
But despite my housework moans I have a very very loved and happy son who I desperately want to have a sibling.
I have a pretty happy life apart from having to wash my partners skiddy undies 😂 I couldn’t deprive my son of a sibling because his lovely daddy is not domesticated 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Bloody good job you are then!

Having a vagina doesn't make someone a domestic goddess and the lack of one doesn't make someone incapable

By the way, this is NOTHING to do with being "old fashioned", it is to do with being misogynistic. My FIL was an older dad (in his late fifties, he was born in the thirties) and worked away for two days in a row (local the other three). He got up with the baby in the night and early in the morning on the days he was at home (including on a Monday where he would often get up with the baby from 5am and then leave at 7am to be at work for 9am) and always cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen.

He retired before my (younger) MIL but continued to get up every morning to make tea for them both. He would never have expected to sit on his arse while she ran herself into the ground whether he was at work or retired, he would have considered that the height of rudeness and most ungentlemanly.

I would be aiming to do as much of the household stuff on your two week days off as possible so that the weekend is family/leisure time for everyone. And I would focus on getting him to do more with the baby when he is around.

I would also be carving out some time each weekend for myself, whether it’s meeting a friend for coffee or lunch or going to the gym. Don’t ask, just tell him it’s what you are doing.

Failing that I would be increasing my hours to FT and getting a cleaner/someone to do the ironing.

Looking after children is work though. So when both partners are home after paid work, everything should be 50/50. If someone is at home while children are at school then as much as possible re housework should be achieved in that time though.

*You should make a bill, listing every single chore and thing you do for 19m old. Google the going rate for a cleaner, dry cleaner, child minder, personal chef, etc. Then list your actual job hours in a separate list. You'll soon see you work way way more hours a week than he does.

Show him the list, point out you work x hours in unpaid labour, that would cost £y to outsource, before you even think about your actual paid job (then show him the other list)*

I think this is petty (unless you're a trained chef, you can hardly charge him personal chef rates) and could backfire if he makes his own list of your income and expenditure and determines that his income covers such a % of your expenditure that he is in effect already "paying" you for this work.

I think figuring out equal leisure time is a better way to go.

I think what @Alicesweewonders has posted is very helpful.

Also, if the split isn't 50:50 in the evenings and weekends then it isn't fair. You BOTH work in the day.... childcare is work - that's why some people are paid to do it. If you can fit housework in at the same time, great, but the evenings and weekends you should both have the same amount of leisure time.

I think if he won't step up and do his part then you either need to leave tasks to him that have no impact on you, or assign him specific tasks (i.e. making dinner as he's not going to go without dinner surely?), and/or hire in help such as cleaning, childcare etc. Personally, I think going back to work full time would also help as then you are on an even footing and he can't expect you to be responsible for all the household tasks.

I would just explain to him that you work all day just as much as he does. Sure, you get "breaks" when your child naps, but I bet you use that time to do other jobs. PLUS does he work flat out all day with no breaks at work? I bet he also has breaks!

He's certainly not lovely.

No lovely man allows his pregnant partner do everything.

It's early days yet OP, but if you don't address this firmly, you will not love him in 5 years.

You will be disappointed and disgusted.

Do NOT give up your job ever with a man like that.

He is doing what is best for HIM, not his family.

That is who he is.
You would be wise to be honest anbout that.
You are seething at tge moment.
Wait till you are doing it all, with another baby.🙄