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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this cf behaviour?

69 replies

OaxacaChihuahua · 06/08/2021 04:39

I recently went to a wedding which took place in a hotel. There was no gift list and the invitation said ‘no gifts necessary’. However, like many people, we gave a gift voucher in a card which we put in a cardboard postbox on a table covered in sweets and the guestbook etc,

In a horrible turn of events, the contents of the postbox have been stolen. Possibly / most likely by an employee of the hotel. The hotel is investigating but there’s no cctv, so they’re making no promises.

The bride and groom sent out an update from their wedding website to explain this, because they wanted people to know why they weren’t sending personalised thank you letters. No issue with that at all, it was thoughtful. However, in that update they said ‘should you wish to replace your stolen gift, please consider donating to our honeymoon fund’ and a link to s gofundme set up for this purpose.

AIBU or is this a bit cheeky? As it happens I would have given them a replacement voucher anyway, but this feels like a bit of pressure put on people to do so when some may not be able to afford it. It’s obviously terrible for the bride and groom that their gifts were stolen and not their fault at all, but it’s hardly the guests’ fault either.

So:

YABU - it’s a horrible thing to have happened and most people would want to replace their gifts anyway. It’s fine for the bride and groom to give directives on how that should be done.

YANBU - it’s cheeky to ask people to stump up again for presents, they should have said nothing and left it as a matter of individual choice.

OP posts:
Seasidemumma77 · 06/08/2021 05:17

YANBU - as you say terribly sad for the couple but unfair to suggest guests replace the stolen gifts.

pinkcircustop · 06/08/2021 05:22

YABU. They’re not saying you have to or pressuring anyone, they’re leaving a link for if you want to.

Sparklfairy · 06/08/2021 05:24

Thats really an awful request. Some people may have given another feeling sorry for them but this would put me right off.

Crazyhouse123 · 06/08/2021 05:35

That's a horrible thing to happen to the b&g but my first thought when I read they had asked for replacement gifts was that they had stolen it themselves, or someone has done it on their behalf.

Otherwise it seems a bit grabby to be asking for replacement gifts. I would have been like you and replaced anyway but the fact that they asked for specific financial help as a replacement makes me question this.

However I am up with the start of a migraine and the dog has peed on the sofa and had an accident on the rug and I have a horrible shift at work ahead of me so I am not feeling overly generous of spirit this morning and if I am way over the mark then I am sorry!

Sunbird24 · 06/08/2021 05:36

The hotel should be giving them something in compensation. They could well end up with more than they would have had if it wasn’t stolen…

NigellaAwesome · 06/08/2021 05:43

I think a bit crass to ask. I think lots of people, on finding out, may have wanted to offer, and the appropriate thing at that stage would have been to gratefully accept. I don't like the idea of a go fund me page either. Too grabby IMO.

Surely a lot of the gifts may well have been cheques, and people could cancel them?

Are wedding websites a thing now? It's been years since I was at a wedding.

Original poster
OaxacaChihuahua · 06/08/2021 05:48

I’ve been to a few weddings where websites have been used. They’re generally quite useful - they tend to have things like a page to RSVP and input menu choices, link to a gift list if there is one, information about local accommodation, transport options to the venue, things to do in the area etc. This one was especially useful because the wedding was postponed a couple of times due to Covid, and they could use the website to keep in touch about dates.

I don’t think the couple are dishonest - just cheeky! But I’m glad others would also find it a bit off. It was probably unintentionally thoughtless rather than purely grabby, but it has left a bit of a bad taste in the mouth.

OP posts:
SunShinesBrightly · 06/08/2021 05:49

The hotel needs to do more to sort this out.
It will have cctv in communal areas surely?
Was the whole box taken?

As for replacing gifts. No. Cancel/reissue cheques but cash has gone. People might be able to cancel vouchers.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 06/08/2021 05:51

YANBU

GrandDuchessRomanov · 06/08/2021 05:52

@Crazyhouse123 I thought exactly the same thing! Great way to get gifts AND a paid for honeymoon.

Cynical old witch that I am!

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:00

Has she called the police? Not 999 or anything.

But similar happened at my wedding. I had several items go missing completely, including my purse from my room. My dad was a police officer and told me to tell them, my bank and insurance told me to call the police.

I told the hotel that and my items showed up within 2 hours. Not saying it would work but its worth a try.

I am guessing there's no insurance that they would have that would cover this. Especially as they don't know, how much it was.

I don't think it's good enough for the hotel to say 'we can't do anything'. Though, when I worked in hotels we had a policy that said the bride and groom were responsible for ensuring their gifts were secured, usually by nominating someone to make sure they are sent to their hotel room. Maybe the hotel explicitly states something similar.

Did someone literally lift the box during the reception?

I am guessing that the B&G think its staff but the hotel aren't in agreement?

ElleGee1 · 06/08/2021 06:07

YANBU you have already given a gift, not ur fault it was stolen . Think its a bit cheeky to set up the honeymoon fund, if people want to contribute that’s up to them but I wouldn’t worry or feel pressured to do so

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 06/08/2021 06:07

Haven't RTFT, but that's cheeky. A gift is exactly that: a gift. It's not a contractual obligation.

I probably would've given a token replacement gift too, but attending a wedding is often bloody expensive and it's crass of the couple to even suggest it.

Like a PP said, the onus should be on the venue to replace the stolen vouchers if a member of staff was responsible. Said member of staff would have to be monumentally thick to have gone on the rob though.

Chances are, fewer guests will be inclined to replace their gifts purely because the couple suggested it. I know I would be.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:08

However, in that update they said ‘should you wish to replace your stolen gift, please consider donating to our honeymoon fund’ and a link to s gofundme set up for this purpose.

This bit doesn't sit right with me. What if the majority of people have vouchers? They aren't giving anyone the facility to send them a replacement voucher. Just cash?

They want the money their in honeymoon fund or nothing. Does make you wonder if there's more to this story and they are now just trying to get people to pay towards their honeymoon. Maybe they didn't get as much as they thought? Or mainly vouchers?

I am very cynical, so it's probably just me. But seems a good way to funnel more money to their honeymoon and also plays on people sympathy.

Could they believe (they might be right I am not sure) that you can cancel vouchers. So they guests who gave vouchers, could cancel them and send them chasing instead?

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:09

Send cash not chasing Blush

BritWifeInUSA · 06/08/2021 06:14

Cancel the cheque!

girlmom21 · 06/08/2021 06:21

YABU. Some people have probably asked if they can replace the gift.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:26

@girlmom21

YABU. Some people have probably asked if they can replace the gift.
See if that was the case I would have worded the website differently, something like 'Some people have kindly offered to replace their gifts, we thought the easiest way would be through gofund me, here is the link for anyone that would like to do this'

But that's just me, they are obviously differently people and may have just decided that wording was better. Its difficult to say.

AnneTwacky · 06/08/2021 06:28

Think you may be jumping the gun a bit here

They've probably been asked by a couple people, if they would like another gift in lieu of the stolen one, so sent this out as a catch all. It doesn't sound like they're expecting people should, just giving those who would an easy option.

LongTimeMammaBear · 06/08/2021 06:35

I agree with @AnneTwacky. If they were interested in gifts or honeymoon fund, they would have asked from the start particularly as it’s it an unusual thing these days to ask for donations to honeymoon rather than gifts. They didn’t do that.

Out of curiosity, did anyone try to stop the gift vouchers? Most companies would do so if you notify them before they’re spent.

nancydroo · 06/08/2021 06:48

YANBU to suggest this to people who may have written a cheque as it is simply cancelled and rewritten but they would not have known who had done that and who would have given vouchers.

YABU to suggest this to the people who have enclosed cash or gift vouchers.

Miserable end to their wedding

Jengnr · 06/08/2021 06:53

I bet they’ve been asked so many times they put it out there.

ohthatbloodycat · 06/08/2021 06:55

Wouldn't the hotel's insurance cover this?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 06/08/2021 06:59

It would be quite easy to find the thieves if gift cards or vouchers were bought online, as soon as they try and spend them.

custardbear · 06/08/2021 06:59

Hotel or wedding insurance should cover it, can you check if it's possible to cancel the voucher card abs get a replacement?

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