Was this cf behaviour?

[OaxacaChihuahua]

I recently went to a wedding which took place in a hotel. There was no gift list and the invitation said ‘no gifts necessary’. However, like many people, we gave a gift voucher in a card which we put in a cardboard postbox on a table covered in sweets and the guestbook etc,

In a horrible turn of events, the contents of the postbox have been stolen. Possibly / most likely by an employee of the hotel. The hotel is investigating but there’s no cctv, so they’re making no promises.

The bride and groom sent out an update from their wedding website to explain this, because they wanted people to know why they weren’t sending personalised thank you letters. No issue with that at all, it was thoughtful. However, in that update they said ‘should you wish to replace your stolen gift, please consider donating to our honeymoon fund’ and a link to s gofundme set up for this purpose.

AIBU or is this a bit cheeky? As it happens I would have given them a replacement voucher anyway, but this feels like a bit of pressure put on people to do so when some may not be able to afford it. It’s obviously terrible for the bride and groom that their gifts were stolen and not their fault at all, but it’s hardly the guests’ fault either.

So:

YABU - it’s a horrible thing to have happened and most people would want to replace their gifts anyway. It’s fine for the bride and groom to give directives on how that should be done.

YANBU - it’s cheeky to ask people to stump up again for presents, they should have said nothing and left it as a matter of individual choice.

@OaxacaChihuahua

I recently went to a wedding which took place in a hotel. There was no gift list and the invitation said ‘no gifts necessary’. However, like many people, we gave a gift voucher in a card which we put in a cardboard postbox on a table covered in sweets and the guestbook etc,

In a horrible turn of events, the contents of the postbox have been stolen. Possibly / most likely by an employee of the hotel. The hotel is investigating but there’s no cctv, so they’re making no promises.

The bride and groom sent out an update from their wedding website to explain this, because they wanted people to know why they weren’t sending personalised thank you letters. No issue with that at all, it was thoughtful. However, in that update they said ‘should you wish to replace your stolen gift, please consider donating to our honeymoon fund’ and a link to s gofundme set up for this purpose.

AIBU or is this a bit cheeky? As it happens I would have given them a replacement voucher anyway, but this feels like a bit of pressure put on people to do so when some may not be able to afford it. It’s obviously terrible for the bride and groom that their gifts were stolen and not their fault at all, but it’s hardly the guests’ fault either.

So:

YABU - it’s a horrible thing to have happened and most people would want to replace their gifts anyway. It’s fine for the bride and groom to give directives on how that should be done.

YANBU - it’s cheeky to ask people to stump up again for presents, they should have said nothing and left it as a matter of individual choice.

Surely if people have issued a cheque that can be cancelled and a similar donation made to the fund? Ditto vouchers can be cancelled. I mean, who actually uses cash in the 21st century?

Not really seeing the issue actually.

A hotel isn't going to claim on its insurance. For all the bride and groom know, there could have just been cards and a couple of vouchers in there. There's no way of knowing how much there was.

There's also no proof, that the hotel or staff are at fault and most make it clear, securing the gifts are the responsibility of the bride and groom.

I don't think many wedding insurances would cover this either.

Yes that's very cheeky.

What did the police say?

And I would have thought that somewhere between wedding insurance, the hotel's insurance, their home contents away from home insurance, ditto for guests' insurance plus people being able to cancel cheques and having receipts for vouchers, a fair bit could be recouped?

Surely if people have issued a cheque that can be cancelled and a similar donation made to the fund? Ditto vouchers can be cancelled. I mean, who actually uses cash in the 21st century?

Lots of people have used cash in the last 20 years. I don't know anyone who uses cheques though.

Serious question, do people still have cheque books? Do you need to to request one, because I haven't been offered one in at least 10 years and they are a good idea for this sort of thing.

They didn’t even expect or ask for gifts so if no one had bought them anything they would be in the same boat. I don’t know why they need replacements for things that were an unexpected bonus,

On the face of it it does seem like a really cheeky request.

However I'm wondering if it's a response to loads of guests already asking about replacing their vouchers and so they've sent out a information email rather than keep replying to loads of people individually?

Perhaps various people have asked if they can replace their gift and the B&G put something out because of it.

Something doesn’t sit right here, if it was a postbox for cards who would steal it. It just doesn’t make sense. And wouldn’t someone have seen it being taken

I wouldn’t be donating again that’s for sure

it seems a particularly odd thing to do when they specified "no gift required" at the outset.
Anyone that heeded that advice must have mixed feelings.

@Hekatestorch

A hotel isn't going to claim on its insurance. For all the bride and groom know, there could have just been cards and a couple of vouchers in there. There's no way of knowing how much there was.

There's also no proof, that the hotel or staff are at fault and most make it clear, securing the gifts are the responsibility of the bride and groom.

I don't think many wedding insurances would cover this either.

They actually should, it's down to the hotel. it happened to a wedding I went too, the hotel paid compensation to make up for the loss. It doesn't come down to people replacing what they gave. The couple need to take it up with the hotel.

They actually should, it's down to the hotel. it happened to a wedding I went too, the hotel paid compensation to make up for the loss. It doesn't come down to people replacing what they gave. The couple need to take it up with the hotel.

Them choosing to accept responsibility is an entirely different thing though.

This venue, is clearly not accepting responsibility.

I think they handled it well up to the request which as someone above said is 'crass'. You all know that your gifts were stolen . It soesn't need to be hammered home. Some will cancel cheques some will not. Are they asking that people who have given cash or gift tokens should give more money? I think that is cheeky. A few might generously choose to give again but prompting people to give more for a holiday really is a bit much imo.

YANBU.

@TwoAndAnOnion are you the bride/ groom?

I don’t know anyone who uses cheques.

Really shitty thing to happen to them and mar their wedding. I really couldn’t blame them for the link, it's up to you if you donate, they had their big day spoilt by a thief, regardless of the money aspect all the cards have gone as well.

Maybe practice some compassion instead of getting worked up about a request.

Starting to feel like i must be very naive after reading some of these responses, my initial thought was that they must have been asked by a lot of people and so they have set up a website.
The original invite stated no gifts necessary. What are they criminal masterminds double bluffing their guests, you don’t have to buy us anything, but if you do we’ll pretend they’re stolen so we can ask for money towards honeymoon.
Maybe it’s badly worded and they could have added SOME guests have asked if they can replace to the notice, but don’t think it’s an elaborate plot to get more out of their guests .

I think they should have said nothing and spoken to individuals who contacted them directly about replacing their gifts. To send a blanket message about being bought a second gift - even presented as an option - is not good manners.

Yes I do think it's cheeky. It's awful that the letterbox was stolen, however the shouldn't have asked, or even insinuated that people replace or give money towards a honeymoon, you've already spent once. They abvu

I definitely don’t think the couple has masterminded this themselves!

I can’t answer a lot of questions because I don’t know a lot of the details. My husband spoke to the groom fairly briefly this week and was told there is no cctv covering the part of the room the postbox was in (the table was set in a little alcove behind the double doors into the room). The box itself wasn’t stolen. It was made of cardboard and cut open at the seam, and the contents taken.

Good point about cheques being cancelled. I don’t use cheques and don’t know many people who do, but hopefully if any guests did give them they can be cancelled. I hadn’t thought of cancelling my own voucher, so that’s an excellent idea - I’ll try and do that today.

Don’t know what the police have said, or if there is insurance. I imagine it’s tricky as they don’t know how much was actually given. The hotel has said they are investigating so something may come of it yet.

I do really feel for the couple because it’s a horrible end to their wedding. As I said, I would have happily replaced my own voucher anyway. It was just the wording of the request and the direction into a gofundme that felt cheeky to me. Had it been expressed as some PPs suggested with something like ‘a few people have kindly asked us about replacing their gifts. There is absolutely no obligation on you to do so, but should you wish to, please post to X or, alternatively, we have set up a gofundme account if this is easier for guests’ I wouldn’t have had an issue I don’t think.

@Hekatestorch

They actually should, it's down to the hotel. it happened to a wedding I went too, the hotel paid compensation to make up for the loss. It doesn't come down to people replacing what they gave. The couple need to take it up with the hotel.

Them choosing to accept responsibility is an entirely different thing though.

This venue, is clearly not accepting responsibility.

I don't think they have a choice. Either they carry insurance for such occurences (which I would expect) or they don't and they would have told whoever organised the wedding, and the gift table was set up against the hotel's advice. My late husband used to stay in hotels for work confernces on a regular basis. Twice over the years groups of folk had their briefcases stolen and both times the hotel asked for contents lists and just paid up on the basis that the possessions had been left in a room set aside by the hotel and therefore it was their responsibility. No choice. I am surprised that the first email to guests mentions replacement...I'd have thought the first one would have been asking who had any proff of what their gift had been for insurance purposes and then maybe a second one saying that people had been asking about replacement....even then I think that to say anything other than how kind the offer is but guests shouldn't think of it would be the more usual and politer option......so yes CF-ery especially having said "no gifts necessary" which of itself is weird wording.

are they a youngish couple? Would they perhaps not have given the hotel a good push about it being covered by insurance?

Yes perhaps it was clumsily worded but perhaps they were upset having to tell people they had been victims of a crime on their wedding day to think if their message was going to offend sensitive guests. I really hope the bride or groom or one of their guests don't see this and tell them, as unless they have a history of being actual being CFs this would be really upsetting on top of what has happened.

Perhaps - he’s 33 and she’s 29 so not that young, but they are both a little bit ditzy tbh. The groom is a former work colleague of my husband so he’s really the one who knows them best - I’ll suggest he mentions that to them in case they haven’t chased it up.

It does seem a bit odd that they didn’t ask for confirmation of what people gave for insurance purposes, but maybe that would have seemed even ruder. If I hadn’t given anything I wouldn’t want to put on the spot about it!

@Claredemoon

Yes perhaps it was clumsily worded but perhaps they were upset having to tell people they had been victims of a crime on their wedding day to think if their message was going to offend sensitive guests. I really hope the bride or groom or one of their guests don't see this and tell them, as unless they have a history of being actual being CFs this would be really upsetting on top of what has happened.

That’s a fair point, hadn’t really thought of that that’s the problem - sometimes you just want a sense check and mumsnet is way for that, but you don’t actually want to broadcast it that someone has been a cf.

They don’t have kids, so hopefully aren’t on here. I know not every MNer has children but I’d imagine the majority do.

@godmum56 I get what you are saying but that's different again.

At conferences and this sort of thing a secure room would be supplied. If that secure room was accessed, that would be the hotels responsibility. Because they offer that security. Usually one or 2 people will be given access to those rooms. This is why key cards have been popular for about 20 years as you can track which card was used likely, a staff card was used to access this area.

I worked weddings and conferences for many years, in hotels.

Also, in a briefcase they can do an estimate of cost of contents.

This box, seems to have been left in a common area, that could have been stolen by anyone.

Unless the hotel agreed to secure it or it was left in the bride and grooms private room.

The hotel, may have insurance for this sort of thing, but will be reluctant to claim. And even if they do, they will stipulate they aren't responsible for things left unattended in common areas.

There could have been just the ops gift in there or 10k, in theory.

Its really not as simple as the hotel needs to claim. And paying the couple out, could also Imply they take responsibility and are admitting that their staff stole it

That was my point 'the hotel has to claim on their insurance' isn't quite as simple as people are making out.