Ex MIL charity shop gifts

[OrganicAvocado]

Ex MIL sends my kids charity shop junk all the time and I’m fed up with it. I have asked her to stop. We don’t need any of it and have no space for it. Not only inappropriate books (Uni level biology “colouring” books to help students memorise internal body parts), shoes that fit none of us, clothes that fit none of us (she send me a crop top and I have a massive mum tum), just endless stream of junk. At Christmas she sent some “pottery” which were some sort of child’s “decorate your own” animals that had already been decorated by someone else.
I could just take it to the nearest charity shop but I just want her to stop sending it all. She sees everything as a bargain and things we’ll appreciate her bargain as much as she does. We’re not struggling financially and my kids have loads of clothes. She, on the other hand, has no money, because she has a spending addiction. She has literally no bags full of charity shop junk in her living room waiting for an occasion to send to us.
Am I unreasonable not to want it? Am I ungrateful? I’m quite happy to shop in charity shops, but for things I want or need. I would never send second hand (well used) clothes to anyone as a gift.

• loads of (not “no”)

Dump the lot why clutter it around your home, we’re the same it cast model cars, we’ve had enough dumped the lot.

Not unreasonable not to want it - but if she's buying it from the charity shop, at least she isn't buying it all at full price, so you don't need to feel guilty about filing it all in the bin.

Have you thought about getting to the root cause of her spending? Why is she doing this? I doubt it’s to purposely annoy you.

Take a pause and consider the root cause, if you can get to the bottom of it you will solve it

YANBU
My MIL and mum can be a bit like this sometimes. I always get "if you don't want it, just take it to a charity shop". Thank you so much for your generous gift of another fucking thing on my to-do list on top of a full time job, 2 kids and a house to run. Sooooo generous.

My MIL used to do this. She is a hoarder but has hoarded an additional house so can store it all. I dread her dying and having to sort it all. We just refused everything offered and said we didn’t need it even it if we did so she stopped buying us stuff.

Disengage - and
just bin it

YANBU my gran has started doing this
A unicorn chipped plastic clock was the recent addition
It gets walked through my front door to the bin at the back door. Every. Single. Time.
I've started saying no now. I'm 30wk preg trying to nest and get a nursery organised and she's filling my black bags I need for other things.
Frustrating as fuck

Is she sending it through the mail? In that case i would just start refusing the package.

Because its your ex mil id be more rude.

Ask her to stop and send it all to her child's house as you have enough alreay

Whenever she brings a bag of stuff you say "no thank you we have no room for this" do not even open the bag! If she drives to your house then before she enters the house you take it back to the car before the visit. If she is on foot you put the bag in front of the middle of the door so that she can't leave without picking it up and taking with. This is classic advice for dealing with the type of hoarder she is: "the sharer". And keep asking her how she's getting on with finding a therapist. Her child/your partner has to be onboard and enforce it too with refusing the goods and encouraging therapy. Good luck! My Sister has this MIL and used this plan to good effect.

YANBU about your mother in law constantly sending you bags full of stuff it’s obvious nobody in your family will have use for, but YAB a bit U dismissing second hand stuff as a gift full stop.

My mum sometimes picks up age-appropriate toys, good quality knitwear etc for our toddler in charity shops and I appreciate it.

How’s she getting it to you? Stop accepting things. It’s sad she’s got a spending issue/shopping addiction or whatever but it’s not your problem and you can, and need to, start refusing to take her junk.

Does she call to your house with it? Just tell her you are not in need of anything and send it with her when she leaves. Or tell her you will be throwing any more stuff out as you don't want it and have no space. Then bin anything else she brings.

DH mum used to work in a charity shop and shop in them. One time he was haunted by a pair of his own shoes. No matter where he donated then his mum brought them back saying she's seen shoes he might like. He had to take them up the road and put them in the bin in the end

How does the conversation go when you ask her to stop?

Tricky - your ex MIL is sending the wrong stuff, and there's quite possibly an uber-frugal hoarding related mh issue going on. On the other hand, me and my sisters and several other relatives have been playing 'find the best present in a charity shop' for about fifteen years now, it's a subset of our general agreement to not spend more than £5 per gift per person. Although we will all happily collaborate and break the rules for children to be fair.

Could you give her something specific to look for? “We really don’t want or need any clothes/toys but child 1 is into Mr Men books and is missing [titles], and child 2 would really like child sized gardening tools, but what they would both love best of all is for you to send them postcards.” (change items as appropriate, I put the postcard bit because you can often find them in charity shops).

It may well not work if she amasses rather than selects, and will of course depend a lot on her relationship with the children and you generally, but she might welcome a focus and it might stop a scattergun approach! We found this successful with an elderly relative a few years back.

Sorry but I find this amusing ! I can imagine you sending it all to the charity job only for her to buy it back and give it to you again !

Definitely sounds like a spending and hoarding issue.

I'm lucky that my mum gives us fab charity shops bargains. She's got at sorting through and getting good stuff for the kids: puzzles, Orchard games, books. But she does it sparingly

I use a local freecycle page and there’s one lady in there who asks for pretty much everything that’s being given away ‘for my grandkids’. I’ve genuinely wondered if the parents are happy with this as she has had taken everything under the sun from photography books meant for adults to jewellery. It honestly would drive me nuts to have somebody constantly introducing unwanted clutter to my house like that. I think you’ll have to have a gentle convo about how grateful you are to have her think of you but you are struggling for space and now want her to ask you if you need things before bringing them round. If she still ignores you then you don’t have much choice but to refuse to accept the items.

Keep a charity bag at the door. As soon as she leaves go drop it at a charity shop..

I suspect my mum may be your ex MIL. It happens to me too.
Fortunately we live a fair distance away so the bags of crap only arrive a few times a year when they visit, and I’m getting better at sorting them in front of her now. Occasionally there’s something worth having but normally not. Clothes always too small, toys that are too young, books that the kids have read or not interested in. The kids have also got very good at saying no to things. Anything not wanted goes back with her.

I live in hope that it might one day stop, but suspect not. I dread the day I may have to clear her home. The only way I accept it all now is to know that it is an illness, that she genuinely means well, and to be as kind as I can in refusing it. If it happened more than a few times a year I might not be so understanding.

Return to sender.
Via Royal Mail or DH.