Ex MIL charity shop gifts

[OrganicAvocado]

Ex MIL sends my kids charity shop junk all the time and I’m fed up with it. I have asked her to stop. We don’t need any of it and have no space for it. Not only inappropriate books (Uni level biology “colouring” books to help students memorise internal body parts), shoes that fit none of us, clothes that fit none of us (she send me a crop top and I have a massive mum tum), just endless stream of junk. At Christmas she sent some “pottery” which were some sort of child’s “decorate your own” animals that had already been decorated by someone else.
I could just take it to the nearest charity shop but I just want her to stop sending it all. She sees everything as a bargain and things we’ll appreciate her bargain as much as she does. We’re not struggling financially and my kids have loads of clothes. She, on the other hand, has no money, because she has a spending addiction. She has literally no bags full of charity shop junk in her living room waiting for an occasion to send to us.
Am I unreasonable not to want it? Am I ungrateful? I’m quite happy to shop in charity shops, but for things I want or need. I would never send second hand (well used) clothes to anyone as a gift.

Oh I feel your pain!! My late DDad used to poke around car boot sales and bring my Ds the most hideous smelly dirty crap… I have no idea why!! We weren’t short of money, and Ds being the only grandchild was well-catered for (spoilt)
DDad would also buy bizarre food and drink for Ds from obscure market stalls, again, no idea why!🤷‍♀️
We tried hinting, then telling him outright that Ds was fine … it made no difference, so we ended up just accepting it (and making it disappear) Despite this, they had a wonderful relationship, we just put it down to Ddads quirk!

Yep my mil keeps buying shots and I feel bad saying no but it’s just another fucking job to go and tip it or give it to another charity shop. I work full time and don’t have time to be taking shite I didn’t ask for to a charity shop. I got one person on here saying I should be grateful as when mil dies I’ll miss the ‘gifts’. No I won’t miss them al all. I kept getting slated by this poster, I offered to send her all the rap so she could deal with it!

@SparrowNest

YANBU about your mother in law constantly sending you bags full of stuff it’s obvious nobody in your family will have use for, but YAB a bit U dismissing second hand stuff as a gift full stop.

My mum sometimes picks up age-appropriate toys, good quality knitwear etc for our toddler in charity shops and I appreciate it.

The op’s made of point of saying she doesn’t mind as long as it’s something she needs and in fairly good condition

Just give it all straight back to the charity shop for them to sell again. The charity wins by selling stuff twice, and your MIL might see stuff she’s given you and get the hint.

I used to be a people pleaser and graciously receive 'presents' it meant I always had to go to the charity shop to drop it off. All the fucking time and they thought my donations were rubbish- literally.
I then told one relative that his wife's clothes fit nowone. I told another relative that his friends neighbor's clothes fit nowone and I dont appreciate having to wash them before sending them to the charity shop. I told a family friend I don't want her broken old crap in my house= bliss.

Oooh thanks for all the replies!

She is not local so it mainly comes in the post (though she occasionally brings a trolley bag full when she visits and has binbags full of crap to give us when we visit her).

I ask her to please stop sending things we don’t need and she calls me rude and continues to send things.

She also sends things to her son.

She sends me photos of junk on eBay as well and asks if I like them. It’s usually junk for herself but sometimes it turns up in the post and was actually for us. I make a point of saying “it’s not my cup of tea” to everything she sends photos of as I just never know!

It was funny to begin with as the random items were so bad they made a good story (or gave us a bit of a laugh) but it’s gone on too long now and she must have wasted hundreds of pounds on stuff we don’t need and can’t use. She lives in a small village with seemingly only one charity shop so if she can’t find anything “suitable” she buys something that clearly isn’t, just so she can send “something”. If the kids mention a hobby or interest in passing she will raid the charity shop for anything and everything vaguely related to the topic to send as presents for the next several years!

Send parcels back to her or refuse to sign for them.
Chuck other stuff straight in bin.
Tell her she's the one who is rude for continuing to do something you have specifically asked her not too.

It’s very much a kind of hoarding disorder which unfortunately means that it’s near impossible to fix. You have my sympathy; my mum was a hoarder and in the end the stuff is more important than people to them

She has an addiction OP - you even said so.
She needs help with it.

VenusTiger

She has an addiction OP - you even said so.
She needs help with it.

What do you suggest?

Make it your ex-DH's problem to resolve.

Every time you get something from her, send it with the kids the next time they go to stay with him and he then has to deal with it, either the psychological root problem or at the very least the items themselves.

My DC once got a birthday present of a cheap t-shirt from a charity shop with a stain on it! 🤢

@OrganicAvocado

VenusTiger

She has an addiction OP - you even said so.
She needs help with it.

What do you suggest?

Her son stepping up and speaking to her!!

When you send the kids to their Dads, I'd be sending all the crap with them too "oh your Mom sent these for the kids for at yours"

I feel your pain. My MIL used to do this too when the DCs were younger. All tat. Eventually DH had to be quite firm with her and it finally stopped.

If its not something we want/ need/ would buy or even take for free if offered in a shop, then it's not a bargain just because it cost a couple of quid second hand. It's still tat

@OrganicAvocado

VenusTiger

She has an addiction OP - you even said so.
She needs help with it.

What do you suggest?

Not your problem surely?

Start sending it back to her. She'll soon stop

Can’t you just tell her outright or by text that you appreciate her generosity but you really don’t need or have room for any more.
I always find honesty to be the best policy if carried out gently.

Sorry OP, I see you’ve already tried that!!
In that case tell her that you won’t be able to accept any more parcels from her, and don’t!

Send it all on to your ex and tell him he needs to help his mum!

You need to put your foot down and give her a firm no. Don’t accept stuff and then give it to the charity shop, or pick through it to find the ‘good stuff’ as this will just encourage her. Sorry OP, I know it’s a tough situation to be in. I’ve had a hoarder family member and the crap they used to bring us was just unbelievable. If you accept stuff, they’ll start escalating and giving you stuff from the hoard and it gets worse.

@Jerima

DH mum used to work in a charity shop and shop in them. One time he was haunted by a pair of his own shoes. No matter where he donated then his mum brought them back saying she's seen shoes he might like. He had to take them up the road and put them in the bin in the end

This made me laugh so much! Imagining your DH trying to get rid of his shoes.

My friend (with not much spare money)annoys her family by buying them broken, stained and/or unwanted second hand stuff then sometimes expecting them to pay for them or for the postage costs.

After they fell out with her over the issue - she then decided I was too ill to buy my friend's and family's Christmas gifts and presented me with several bags of items that she wanted paying for. It was hard to initially say no to her and ask her to return everything. She ended up using some of those purchases for my subsequent birthday and Christmas presents. I had to be very blunt about why I didn't want to give people gifts I hadn't chosen myself or weren't new. Not everybody appreciates new toiletry sets - nevermind ones 10 years old.

It's an addiction. She needed to be buying her bargains for someone and it transferred from her family to me. She sees it as helping others and making her money go further. I see it as her fulfilling her addictive needs.

She will spent £20 on each of her grandchildren but she'd rather give a huge pile of unsuitable secondhand goods than one new specific item. After a huge argument about unsuitable, used presents she bought £20 of new unwanted poundland like items instead. They've now told her to gift money only or just not bother. She's really upset and says she thinks it's impersonal but I believe it's more about her not being able to enjoy buying her unwanted bargains.

The ex just tells me that he’s given up telling her to stop. Not helpful. He knows she has mh issues so just let’s her crack on. He says it’s better than arguing with her about it.

but I believe it's more about her not being able to enjoy buying her unwanted bargains.

Yes, exactly this.

If he refuses to deal with it, can you tell the postman to return the parcels to the sender?

If she was my ex MIL, I don’t see why I’d have to put up with it

I have exactly the same issue. If my BIL were married I'd wonder if you were his wife. It's literally impossible to get her to understand. They actually bankrupted themselves & had to sell the house due to her spending. And she still does it. FIL just stands by & does nothing.