Ex MIL charity shop gifts

[OrganicAvocado]

Ex MIL sends my kids charity shop junk all the time and I’m fed up with it. I have asked her to stop. We don’t need any of it and have no space for it. Not only inappropriate books (Uni level biology “colouring” books to help students memorise internal body parts), shoes that fit none of us, clothes that fit none of us (she send me a crop top and I have a massive mum tum), just endless stream of junk. At Christmas she sent some “pottery” which were some sort of child’s “decorate your own” animals that had already been decorated by someone else.
I could just take it to the nearest charity shop but I just want her to stop sending it all. She sees everything as a bargain and things we’ll appreciate her bargain as much as she does. We’re not struggling financially and my kids have loads of clothes. She, on the other hand, has no money, because she has a spending addiction. She has literally no bags full of charity shop junk in her living room waiting for an occasion to send to us.
Am I unreasonable not to want it? Am I ungrateful? I’m quite happy to shop in charity shops, but for things I want or need. I would never send second hand (well used) clothes to anyone as a gift.

This is my mother. She has a spending/hoarding problem. It's a bit of a family joke but actually it's really annoying so I sympathise. Years ago we bought a little place in France and she went into overdrive buying tat for us to fill it with. It really was a hobby for her. I just quietly disposed of everything.

My ex MIL did this slightly and I was more concerned about her wasting her money - she wanted to feel she was being a good grandparent but wasn't discerning enough for me. I tried to redirect her attention to specific items and focus on only buying good quality stuff. I asked for denim pinafore dresses with embroidery from Next or Marks & Spencers and waterproof all in ones - things that were expensive to buy new yet were generally good secondhand. I made a huge fuss when she got it right. I got her to return stuff we didn't need or if I didn't like it or have space. I made her store things at her house or mend broken items herself before I accepted them.

My MIL does this too. Every Christmas she turns up dressed as Mrs Claus (shit you not) with a big sack over her shoulder. Sounds adorable I’m sure except for the fact the sack is filled with charity shop tat. Almost all of it completely misses the mark and never gets used, some ends up in the bin and the rest goes back to the charity shop… We’ve definitely had shoes that didn’t fit before as well as books none of us would ever be interested in reading, dirty old keyrings, board games with bits missing. Just totally pointless.

Hemingwaycat

We’ve received broken and/or dirty stuff too. Some quite large items. One was an enormous (almost 6ft tall) stuffed animal. She still has it at her house because we (thankfully) couldn’t fit it in our car! She was so pleased with herself for having “only paid £6” for it!

Hi mil. Please send stuff for dcs to your ds for when they're there

My ex mil is like this! Sackful each for my teenage kids at Xmas - shit old toiletries sets and endless awful clothing - I mean it's hard enough to buy clothes for teenagers as it is but random charity shop clothes and an assortment of sizes too. So basically out of the massive sackful most of the clothes they don't even try on and the odd thing they might like is invariably too small or big!

So Xmas means a load of stuff for me to post on to the charity shop and the kids basically get nothing from her in the end.

@Jerima

DH mum used to work in a charity shop and shop in them. One time he was haunted by a pair of his own shoes. No matter where he donated then his mum brought them back saying she's seen shoes he might like. He had to take them up the road and put them in the bin in the end

Sorry but this made me laugh! @Jerima

@WhatAShilohPitt
I use a local freecycle page and there’s one lady in there who asks for pretty much everything that’s being given away ‘for my grandkids’

It's not for her grandkids. She's selling the stuff.

@Jerima

DH mum used to work in a charity shop and shop in them. One time he was haunted by a pair of his own shoes. No matter where he donated then his mum brought them back saying she's seen shoes he might like. He had to take them up the road and put them in the bin in the end

woke DP up laughing at this. The boomerang boots

🤣
I'd be tempted to send it all back

It’s for your ex to deal with. Opt out entirely. Tat can stay at ex house or his mothers house. Nothing to do with you.

@Jerima

DH mum used to work in a charity shop and shop in them. One time he was haunted by a pair of his own shoes. No matter where he donated then his mum brought them back saying she's seen shoes he might like. He had to take them up the road and put them in the bin in the end

This made me laugh out loud - the word "haunted" made the shoes seem like something out of an old horror film, and conjured up visions of the shoes walking themselves back into your home in the dead of night!

I am doing my best to declutter our home, and I feel good about each bag I drop off at the charity shop. It would do my head in if my MIL kept buying us unwanted items that we don't need. You will need to be very firm about refusing these unwanted gifts, even though your MIL may have good intentions.

She has a real problem and you’ll have to be very firm in refusing to take any more. Yes, she’ll say you’re rude, but she isn’t able to face the reality- she’s indulging her obsession and it doesn’t benefit you or the children. Would it matter that much if she was less friendly with you because you won’t let her use you like this?

My DM was like this. What you need to do is go with her! Show her what size clothes your kids are and what books or toys they are interested in.
Worked wonders for me. Now she knows what to get and I am grateful for it.

Better yet get her a hobby. My dm has recently gotten into knitting so she's making bits and bobs. Spending her time on that rather than filing through charity shops. Wool is cheap and in abundance in charity shops near me so if I were you I would push knitting or some similar time consuming hobby on her. Sorted my own mum out this way.

Being called rude for refusing strangers’ cast off shite that she indulges herself in hoarding (but not to the extent she’s going to store it herself) would give me the utter rage. And she’s not even your mother in law. I’d give her a helpful demonstration of what rudeness actually looks like.

Hand absolutely everything she sends straight over to your ex, without opening it.
His mum - his problem.

Refuse the posted items, don’t take stuff with you when you visit and refuse items that she brings. She called you rude to guilt trip you into feeding her habit.

Tell her you're running out of space at home and hate to think of her spending so much on posting items to you. Perhaps she could keep the stuff at her house or send it to her son to use when they visit. It's tricky if she's posting things to you rather than trying to give them to you in person.

Could you suggest she saves her money for say six months then takes your kids shopping for something they actually want/will use? Perhaps if she sees them get excited about buying a particular toy and how much they enjoy playing with it, she'll think twice about buying so much crap.