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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not mind when my MIL…

76 replies

DarlingFell · 05/08/2021 13:26

…cleans when she comes to visit?

My house is clean but it’s old, there is always something that needs doing, e.g., we have some copper pans in the kitchen that I never get around to polishing, she sorts them out (I never ask her. When I get home from work and she’s visiting, she’ll be in the kitchen, cleaning something.. I’m always grateful, it helps me out! But am I unreasonable for not minding, for being grateful, should it annoy me? Is it interfering, or inferring that my standards aren’t up to hers?

We have a cleaner that comes once a week and DH and I maintain but MIL will always find something to do..

OP posts:
Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 13:27

Of course not if it doesn’t bother you. I would absolutely hate it though.

Rodders92 · 05/08/2021 13:28

I am always grateful if any visitors do housework in my house and would never be offended

prettyteapotsplease · 05/08/2021 13:31

Not at all. If it keeps her happy, maybe she can't bear sitting still. A job like polishing copper pans is not going to be the top of anyone's list and tends to get left until time allows.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/08/2021 13:33

Mine sent DD back after having her for two weeks with a suitcase full of freshly laundered and pressed clothes, and some chocolates for me. No complaints here.

Justcallmebebes · 05/08/2021 13:37

My MIL was never idle and would always find something to do when she visited. Never bothered me. Now I'm a MIL I will always make myself useful visiting my DD and SIL. They have 3 very young kids and no ones objected yet. I suppose it depends upon whether you're close enough.

Some people like to help out and keep busy. I've never seen it as a slight or criticism

Original poster
DarlingFell · 05/08/2021 13:40

@Babymeanswashing

Of course not if it doesn’t bother you. I would absolutely hate it though.
Do you mind elaborating on why you would hate it?
OP posts:
Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 13:42

I just think as a general rule you don’t touch or go through other peoples things, even if meant well, even if you’re related to the people in question. My mum used to do this and I thought it was very rude. It was also a judgement on how clean the house was even though she said she didn’t mean it like that.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/08/2021 13:43

It depends on many things. I would hate MIL (or anyone) to be riffling through drawers/cupboards etc so wouldn't want them to do that unless specifically spoken about before.

When you have a relative who comes to the house and say it is dirty (especially when it isn't) and starts cleaning, that is very much a judgement.

If someone wants to help, I would rather they ask what they can do, rather than decide what they think needs doing, as that is not always helpful.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 05/08/2021 13:43

I'd love it!! It would make a change to visiting grandparents who expect to be waiting on 🤦🏼‍♀️

Frannibananni · 05/08/2021 13:48

God I’d love it. I clean my best friends kitchen when we arrive for a visit, it’s my way of showing I love her and I’ve made myself at home. We laugh about it.i drive 3 hrs to show my love with washing dishes

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 05/08/2021 13:48

My mother in law does this and I hate it!
She will quietly say to me ‘I’ve cleaned the bathroom for you’. Firstly it feels like a judgement because I just cleaned it, secondly why isn’t she telling her son that she has cleaned his bathroom?? I am not the maid. Thirdly if you want to be helpful ask what needs doing, you can sort the garden or walk the dog.

LST · 05/08/2021 13:51

My mum does this for me. She can't come round and not do something. Things that can wait. But it 100% doesn't bother me.

She looks after my cats when we go away camping most weekends and the house is polished top to bottom when we get back. Not that it isn't already clean and tidy, but she'll do all my windows and dust all my light fittings. She also does any washing that needs doing. It's doesn't go unnoticed. She is a diamond.

MalFunkshun · 05/08/2021 13:55

As others have said, it depends. Doing a routine cleaning job, like the bathroom, I’d struggle with as it would feel like a judgement I wasn’t able to keep on top of basic household tasks.

Cleaning copper pans sounds much more like a job someone has chosen to do as they don’t like sitting still / do like feeling useful. I’d be fine with that as I clearly don’t have time to polish pans on a regular basis Grin

Holly60 · 05/08/2021 13:56

My DM and MIL always did this when they were younger and now I do it for my DS and DD. It’s normal in our family. It’s just a way of me saying ‘I see how busy your lives are, and I’m proud of you, and love you so I want to help you’ Always done with love and not judgement

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 05/08/2021 13:57

I would hate this, but my MIL and I definitely do not see eye to eye. She has made it quite clear that she thinks I'm not good enough. When I was 6 months pregnant she called me lazy and disgusting for not ironing. She gave my DH a card on our wedding day and told him not to show me. It said how proud she was of him, how thankful she was to him for giving her a granddaughter and that he needs to get me to do more housework because he works hard and deserves a nice house 🙃

BUT if you get on with your MIL and appreciate her doing stuff like that, then that's absolutely fine. It's not for us or anyone else to tell you how you should feel about it!

ineedaholidaynow · 05/08/2021 13:58

@Holly60 do you ask what they want doing? Do they have partners, they might not appreciate their MIL doing certain things

DramaAlpaca · 05/08/2021 13:58

You lucky thing! Cherish her Smile

averylongtimeago · 05/08/2021 14:01

My mil always used to do my ironing- she knew I hated it and would ask for the pile mountain .

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/08/2021 14:05

For some people this is truly a way of showing love and kindness. My mum could never say she loved us, but would gladly tackle the ironing pile or hoover and dust while we were out at work. She also used to buy us 'goodies' from M&S food hall. She passed away in 2019 and I really hope to be able to help my dc the way she did us (if they want it)

phoenixrosehere · 05/08/2021 14:12

YANBU. If you like that she does it that’s great.

I wouldn’t because I have my own ways of tidying and I don’t like guests or visitors cleaning parts of my house. If they make a mess, it’s one thing but entirely different if they decide to do it regardless if they’ve asked or not. It make me think that my house isn’t clean enough for them.

Saying that, I have a thing about kitchens and bathrooms and my MIL’s way makes me anxious. My parents were militant about such areas so I’m a bit stricter and rather not have help. I barely can stand how my husband does it because I usually have to re-clean things because they’re not clean.

Anordinarymum · 05/08/2021 14:16

@phoenixrosehere

YANBU. If you like that she does it that’s great.

I wouldn’t because I have my own ways of tidying and I don’t like guests or visitors cleaning parts of my house. If they make a mess, it’s one thing but entirely different if they decide to do it regardless if they’ve asked or not. It make me think that my house isn’t clean enough for them.

Saying that, I have a thing about kitchens and bathrooms and my MIL’s way makes me anxious. My parents were militant about such areas so I’m a bit stricter and rather not have help. I barely can stand how my husband does it because I usually have to re-clean things because they’re not clean.

Life's much too short for this way of looking at things
Lockdownbear · 05/08/2021 14:17

Cherish her and love her!

My own DM can't sit still always doing something.
My MIL wouldn't even offer to make a coffee. Not even if your 10mins home from a 4 day hospital stay with a new born baby.

RitaFires · 05/08/2021 14:18

Whether you appreciate this kind of thing is down both to your own personality and the in laws in question. My partner is now NC with his mum but she has in the past gone through our trash and challenged us as to why we've thrown things away and tried to make us take them back. Every item that you paid more than she would is a waste of money and anything cheaper is shite, there is apparently no correct price that we could pay for any item that wouldn't be used as evidence of our foolishness and or my snobbishness. I'm chronically ill and I have issues with my joints but she would constantly say the place was a mess because of my laziness and try to bleach everything.

Be grateful you have a nice MIL that you get on with and isn't trying to pry into everything you do.

sillysmiles · 05/08/2021 14:19

I would love it.

One of my sisters if very like this - potters and things get clean around her. My only issue is I can't get her to hang out in my house long enough on her own to have it completely cleaned by her Grin.

Flyinggeese1 · 05/08/2021 14:27

I think this is lovely. To me it shows a level of comfort and I’d find it flattering and absolutely love it.