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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not mind when my MIL…

76 replies

DarlingFell · 05/08/2021 13:26

…cleans when she comes to visit?

My house is clean but it’s old, there is always something that needs doing, e.g., we have some copper pans in the kitchen that I never get around to polishing, she sorts them out (I never ask her. When I get home from work and she’s visiting, she’ll be in the kitchen, cleaning something.. I’m always grateful, it helps me out! But am I unreasonable for not minding, for being grateful, should it annoy me? Is it interfering, or inferring that my standards aren’t up to hers?

We have a cleaner that comes once a week and DH and I maintain but MIL will always find something to do..

OP posts:
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 05/08/2021 16:31

My DM does this, and I love it! My house is reasonably clean and tidy, but she loves to give the kitchen floor or the aga a really good seeing to 🤩 My DSis used to do it when I was out (and she was babysitting) and it did annoy me then - I think partly cos my house was messy then, due to my rubbish health at the time. So it felt a bit judgy.

JustLyra · 05/08/2021 16:33

I joke with MIL that it's one of the reasons we invited her to move in!

That said MIL is lovely, and very respectful. Her other DIL hates it so she doesn't do it there. When my lot were babies she would visit and give me time to relax with the baby while she cleaned/cooked/whatever. Whereas SIL preferred MIL to be with DN while she cooks/cleans.

The way it's done is important as well. MIL is kind and helpful. My sister used to come over with a bucket of cleaning stuff, the day after my cleaner had been, and refuse do things very pointedly. In the very same way she'd "suggest" I wear something different, or as with a frown if I'd been to a new hairdresser. It was judgey and rude. I don't have anything to do with her.

Holly60 · 05/08/2021 16:43

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Holly60 why do you assume housework is the domain of your DD and DDIL? And if my DDIL said you don't have to do something, I would assume they don't want me to do it, but are trying to say it in a polite way[/quote]
No I don’t assume at all, i check with them because that’s who I tend to be with when I visit. Sometimes my DS and DSIL will task me off too- we are pretty relaxed. And no my DDIL doesn’t feel the need to be ‘polite’ to me. We are very informal with each other and she has no problem telling me how she feels about things. Plus the half hearted way she says ‘you don’t have to’ whilst eagerly handing me the cleaning products, and pointing out the stubborn marks on the shower glass kind of gives it away anyway 😂😂😂.

ginghamstarfish · 05/08/2021 16:53

I'd be thrilled, not if it meant rifling through private stuff though

phoenixrosehere · 05/08/2021 16:59

@Anordinarymum

Life's much too short for this way of looking at things.

Here’s a bit of clarity. My in-laws visit once to twice a year (before the pandemic) because we live in the SE and they live in the NE. I get on with my MIL and FIL but we are not close nor do I have the level of comfort with them that I would feel comfortable for her or them to clean our home. I clean before they come every time so there is no reason for anything else to be cleaned unless a mess is made by them and even then all we ask is them to leave dishes next to the sink. We have also had FIL “help” with things that no one asked him to leading to breaking and ruining things, causing an argument between him and my husband which means dealing with a frustrated husband, a grumbly, sulky FIL on top of listening to MIL and FIL bicker over what he’s done and a tense atmosphere which I really don’t like dealing with, and this tends to happen almost every time they visit so I have a reason for looking at things in a certain way and life is too short having to deal with this nonsense when all they have to do is ask if we would like their help and if we say no, accept our answer.

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 17:04

Anyone who can be arsed to polish silver, copper or do some gardening is more than welcome in my house!

It's a fine line between helpful and intrusive, but as long as it works for you both, it's great.

ByWayOf · 05/08/2021 18:31

My mum does this. Love her for it. She stopped for a while after seeing something on TV about people complaining about their DMs/MILs doing this and she became worried that's how we saw it.

I assumed she'd had enough of cleaning and ironing and thought absolutely fair enough!

She brought it up recently and once she knew we absolutely don't feel that way, she went right back to cleaning my kitchen and pottering around doing bits in the house!

It's such a help and in her case is very much done from a non-judgemental place of showing love. No complaints here!

Nc123 · 05/08/2021 18:58

It depends how they do it. If it’s done out of love and kindliness then most people would welcome it, but it can be weaponised by some people.

My MIL used to do it and judge me for not being sufficiently tidy (working full time and having small children didn’t leave me a lot of time). She really didnt like me (things are a bit better now) so it was another way she expressed silent disapproval.

Recently I asked DH to ask her not to do it when she was here, and to do her credit, she doesn’t.. Now that the kids are a bit older it’s not even necessary, and she doesn’t jump up and clean when she goes round to friends’ houses, so she can not do it here, too.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/08/2021 19:16

For those who regularly clean their DC house, would you also comment at your friends' houses that their bathroom needed cleaning, or they had a huge pile of ironing to do?

Clawdy · 05/08/2021 19:29

Oh, I would have loved this, it would have been such a help for me in those days. I would not have cared where or what she cleaned, it would have been great.

Holly60 · 05/08/2021 19:38

@ineedaholidaynow

For those who regularly clean their DC house, would you also comment at your friends' houses that their bathroom needed cleaning, or they had a huge pile of ironing to do?
I don’t ‘comment’ on my DCs houses, I just ask if anything needs done, and get on with whatever I’m asked to do. Generally I don’t offer to do the same at my friends houses because they aren’t family and I don’t love them quite as much (almost, but not quite Grin)

In fact I did clean a dear friend’s house once. She was visiting hospital every day because her DH was critically ill. She moaned to me about the state of her house. I offered to clean it (in much the same way I offer with my own DC) and she gratefully accepted so I got on with it. She was so relieved to be able to walk through the door to a clean and tidy house with a meal in the oven that night, she called me in tears to say thank you.

I think you are going to have to accept that the vast majority of people have no problem accepting help when it is sincerely offered. The vast majority of replied on here have said they are happy for people to clean their houses.

You are not unreasonable not to like it, and if you were my DDIL I would respect that, but I do think you are in a minority.

MeadowLines · 05/08/2021 19:53

I think it depends on the individuals and the relationships between them - if there has ever been judgement then it comes across as a dig. If you are wholly accepted as you are and no judgement then it can be seen as just helping out.

Personally from both my in laws and my own parents I have felt too much judgement. Thankfully they dont do this as I would hate it.

There is also an element of when guests come into my home I want them to feel comfortable and relaxed, not to be up cleaning. I appreciate other people do it to relax, but I also cannot relax if someone else is cleaning and Im not. All my own issues I appreciate, but this topic is so divisive and should be discussed before anyone doing anything without being asked!

HildegardNightingale · 05/08/2021 20:07

@Holly60 you sound lovely Flowers

IonaLeg · 05/08/2021 20:11

My MIL comes to my house several times a week to see my baby and she usually cleans the entire place when she’s here. I love it! She’s a wonderful person, I adore her, and I don’t think she’s making veiled digs about the state of my house. She’s just aware that I have a baby and a chronic health condition.

I totally understand how from some MILs it might be interfering, but she’s a gem and it doesn’t cause us any friction at all.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2021 20:15

Oh shit! My dil has a two year old and a nine month old. When we went to stay for a couple of days I left the kitchen immaculate. I thought I was helping - did I get that horribly wrong? Is she cursing me for an interfering old baggage now?

upaladderagain · 05/08/2021 20:24

I am both a mum and a mil and would not dream of doing anything in either dd's or ddil's homes without being asked.

To pick up a duster or get out a Hoover would feel like passing judgement on the couple's housekeeping and therefore a no-go for me. Tbh, I don't know how they would feel about it if I did.

But when their dcs were very young I offered to do ironing for them, and that was fine.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 05/08/2021 20:24

If it doesn't bother you then great! My in laws used to look after our dc at our house once a week. When they were babies she would do some washing or hoover etc. As soon as they got bigger she stopped. I was a little gutted.

billy1966 · 05/08/2021 20:31

She sounds lovely and you are happy for her help.

Absolutely no reason not to be delighted.

pinkcircustop · 05/08/2021 20:34

It’s your house but your MIL is massively overstepping.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2021 20:38

@pinkcircustop

It’s your house but your MIL is massively overstepping.
She might be overstepping in your house but she obviously isn’t in OP’s. 🤷‍♀️
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2021 20:45

My wonderful late MIL used to come over and get cooked for. No housework but she would bring FIL who would do all the DIY. While I drank wine and chatted with MIL.

I miss her.

billiebeeme · 05/08/2021 20:51

It would annoy and please me at the same time 😂 I'd be glad she's doing it but feel that she's getting at me for not doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

saraclara · 05/08/2021 21:02

In a bit of a slob at home, but I find that I want to do things live that when I visit my kids. It's hard to know what to do with myself when I'm at theirs. I itch to be occupied in some way.

When my DD took my DGD upstairs for milk and a nap last time I visited, I used the time to wash up our lunch plates. And then found myself keeping going and cleaning her kitchen. Because what else could I do other than sit on my phone?
But as I was doing it I was recalling MN threads complaining about DMs and DMILs doing that and got a bit worried. So when DD came down I apologised. She wasn't remotely bothered, thank goodness.

saraclara · 05/08/2021 21:02

Live = like

Flyinggeese1 · 06/08/2021 22:34

saraclara probably another example of where MN is not representative of real life!

What you did sounds lovely. I’m hoping to be this kind of MIL one day. To me this just shows a nice relationship and being comfortable in your DD’s home.

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