AIBU to not mind when my MIL…

[DarlingFell]

…cleans when she comes to visit?

My house is clean but it’s old, there is always something that needs doing, e.g., we have some copper pans in the kitchen that I never get around to polishing, she sorts them out (I never ask her. When I get home from work and she’s visiting, she’ll be in the kitchen, cleaning something.. I’m always grateful, it helps me out! But am I unreasonable for not minding, for being grateful, should it annoy me? Is it interfering, or inferring that my standards aren’t up to hers?

We have a cleaner that comes once a week and DH and I maintain but MIL will always find something to do..

What would happen if the MIL had used the wrong cleaning product on the pans and ruined them? There have been many threads on here when a female relative ( and lets face it it is usually a woman that does this) has supposedly helped by doing someone's laundry and ruined some item of clothing by using the wrong product/temperature. They have been asked not to do the washing anymore and still they insist. Or rearranging the cupboards/furniture, even replacing items of furniture.

That is why I always think it is better to check before doing something in someone else's home

If you both feel comfortable and happy with this then obviously it's fine.

Often, there is a subtext to this kind of "help" though (not in your case, but it does happen). My SIL might help out with some bits and pieces because she hates to be still and has a slightly unhealthy need to be useful at all times. That doesn't offend me at all- I love her and welcome her company. My sister, however, sweept into my house, ran her finger along some surfaces and then commenced two hours of Performance Cleaning. She would also do Performance Cookery (yes, IN MY HOUSE!) if she felt a particular need to assert her dominance (dunno why, she is a bloody terrible cook!). My sister is now not allowed into my house at all. Not just because of this, but it played its part. Oddly, her own house is a midden.

@ineedaholidaynow

What would happen if the MIL had used the wrong cleaning product on the pans and ruined them? There have been many threads on here when a female relative ( and lets face it it is usually a woman that does this) has supposedly helped by doing someone's laundry and ruined some item of clothing by using the wrong product/temperature. They have been asked not to do the washing anymore and still they insist. Or rearranging the cupboards/furniture, even replacing items of furniture.

That is why I always think it is better to check before doing something in someone else's home

This is true. My MIL 'helpfully' cleaned our new sink in our half fitted kitchen, with a brand new scourer, scratched the fuck out of it. She did the same in our oven too and scraped off some of the black coating inside, fuck knows what she used to do the oven though. I was raging! When told what she'd done - "Well I won't help in future then!" I didn't fucking ASK you to help, you just interfered as fucking usual

My mum is like this and it's flipping brilliant. I wish she was able to visit more often. Last time she came she defrosted my freezer and cleaned my oven - two jobs I'd been putting off for ages.

I wish my MIL would ... she's here every week to babysit but she leaves the house in more of a mess than when she arrives.

Family and friends visit to see me, not to do housework. It's saying “your house doesn't come up to my standards” so I would hate it.

@alphasox your MIL babysitting every week isn't enough for you?

My MIL is exactly the same and I love it. When she and PIL stay, the kitchen is always spotless
She also has a habit of going out and buying things I've been meaning to get for ages - like a peg bag. She does usually ask if I'm OK with her doing this or that and its certainly never done in any kind of judgemental way.
My own mother, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She takes great delight in not doing anything at all whilst at mine.
Its a shame MIL lives hundreds of miles away!

Yanbu to not mind it. Can she pay us a visit sometime?

It was also a judgement on how clean the house was even though she said she didn’t mean it like that

How can it be a judgement if she didn’t mean it like that?

Why do people take things so personally?

I know there are people who are judgey about other people’s houses and might ‘tackle’ something on that basis, but in general I think it is accepted that grandparents see themselves as there to help out, knowing that life is busy when you have kids. And just WANTING to help.

If they are obviously being passive aggressive, I wouldn’t like it. But in the absence of any evidence I would never take umbrage at someone mucking in / helping.

DH had a relative who used to turn up with a bottle of bleach, that was a judgement! I think people who are responding positively have not had to experience the judgement of cleaning relatives. I have, hence I would always ask before I did something. Also, some people are more private about their things than others are, so even if you don't mind your DM rifling through the laundry basket your DH might.

Oh my gosh no, I would be so grateful to her!

God I would love that! My mum used to live close by and would do that when looking after my DC - I used to be so grateful! Sadly my MIL passed away before I married DH so I don't have experience of this but if the relationship was good and the MIL wasn't nosey/overbearing then I can't imagine I'd be anything other than grateful!

Mil does this here too, its fabulous and not at all a judgement - more than she knows we both work full time and she is retired so wants to make our lives easier.

She will come over and tackle my pile of ironing (she knows where the basket lives) or clean down the bathroom - she also somehow makes it smell nice and sparkle more than when I do it.

When I was in hospital after having DS she had come over, stripped and washed the beds and mopped/hoovered the floors while DH came to collect me, it was great to walk into a house with nothing needing to be thought about.

TBH - I couldn't care less if she is silently judging me, my house gets cleaned and I dont have to do it - no loss to me!

Completely up to you! If you like it, that’s brilliant. I’d hate it too.
Luckily my MIL is very lovely and tactful and never would. She always compliments our house when she comes over and was great at making cups of tea when visiting us and newborn DD. That’s exactly what I needed so it was spot on.
My mother insists on getting involved in cleaning and I hate it - I like to do things my way and I absolutely mean it when I ask her to just sit and chat to me when I do things. But she just won’t and we come to blows over it.

Interesting responses. For those who say ‘cherish her’, oh I do! She’s a wonderful MIL, very kind and selfless. My FIL is lovely too. I really enjoy their company.

I’m not totally smug though as my own mother is the polar opposite, never does anything to help, will happily sit there and make demands. My DH’s mum is a lovely woman, a ‘proper mum’, the sort of mum you might buy in John Lewis, to paraphrase Mark from Peep Show 😊

I would hate it. It would feel judgemental and would get my hackles up.

@DramaAlpaca

You lucky thing! Cherish her

^ this My MIL comes over and makes a massive mess.

My mum is the one who says, anything need doing or sometimes just does it .

My MIL does this and I LOVE it

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Holly60 do you ask what they want doing? Do they have partners, they might not appreciate their MIL doing certain things[/quote]
Yeah they both have partners. SIL tends to rope DH into helping in garden etc when I see DD. If I see something that needs doing I’ll mention it to both DD and DDIL: ‘do you want me to iron that basket of clothes?’ Or ‘shall I do the dishwasher?’ They are both more than happy to avail themselves of my willingness to clean their bathrooms (it’s got to be the worst job, right??) sometimes DDIL says ‘oh Holly you don’t have to’ (strangely enough DD doesn’t bother) but I always say I do it out of love, and my MIL did it for me so paying it forward

@QforCucumber

Mil does this here too, its fabulous and not at all a judgement - more than she knows we both work full time and she is retired so wants to make our lives easier.

She will come over and tackle my pile of ironing (she knows where the basket lives) or clean down the bathroom - she also somehow makes it smell nice and sparkle more than when I do it.

When I was in hospital after having DS she had come over, stripped and washed the beds and mopped/hoovered the floors while DH came to collect me, it was great to walk into a house with nothing needing to be thought about.

TBH - I couldn't care less if she is silently judging me, my house gets cleaned and I dont have to do it - no loss to me!

Are you my DDIL? can absolutely guarantee that there will be no judgement at all. I love my adult kids and their DPs and children to death and love being able to make their lives just that bit easier.

There is no way I'd want MIL cleaning our house, she rearranged a cupboard once and DH took every item out and told her not to do it again.
She can do ironing if she really wants to be useful but that gives no opportunity for prying.
No way would I want her changing sheets, that would involve her going upstairs. I wouldn't want my mother doing that either to be fair, our bedroom is a private space.

FIL and my dad have both been asked for help with DIY over the years as they are very good at it.

I wouldn't mind a family member doing stuff for me. A lot of people like being helpful, especially older ladies,,,who like to keep busy. They don't usually think your house is a mess, they like to feel useful.

And they have a secret laugh, about any recipients complaining about them, !!

I'd be grateful if she likes to do it then why not. So long as she isn't going behind my back and saying she has to clean because I don't clean.

I wouldn't be bothered by this. Anyone can clean my house if they so wish, less for me to do! When FIL was alive we used to save him little jobs so he didn't wander around looking for things to do and it made him feel useful.

I used to clean MILs silver tea set when I visited. She hated doing it and I found it therapeutic and satisfying.

@Holly60 why do you assume housework is the domain of your DD and DDIL? And if my DDIL said you don't have to do something, I would assume they don't want me to do it, but are trying to say it in a polite way