DP feels rejected because I need space

qwertyuiop098 · 2021-08-04T14:43:49+00:00

I have been with DP for about 4 months and we get on really well, are very passionate and feel really comfortable together. But although I love spending time with him, I find I do need my own space and sometimes want to have Mon-Fri alone in my flat and see him at the weekend. He thinks at this stage we should be really into each other and be together much more often than this. He wants to end it because we have different levels of commitment and engagement in the relationship. I think I just like and need my own company. AIBU?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:45

I've been with my partner 15 years and we still have our own independent time. It's normal. I'm creeped out by people who can't spend time by themselves.

gamerchick · 04/08/2021 15:49

At this stage I would probably want more than just a weekend and I like my own space. However, this is you and there's nothing wrong with what you want. As is there's nothing wrong with what he wants and if those are not compatible then he's within his right to want to end it if it isn't working for him.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 04/08/2021 15:54

I think he is right to end things.

I had a smothering partner when I was younger. He was too much and I ended things badly. I was his first girlfriend. I tried again with him a few years later as he seemed more laid back and I really liked him. He quickly ramped things up again and I ended it.

He has had several relationships since and doesn't change. He gets very jealous and overinvolved in his partner's lives. I think with the right person he would be better. He gets completely devoted and then hurt when others don't return his feelings in the same way.

dudsville · 04/08/2021 15:57

You need to find someone who has similar priorities, otherwise these will be the things you argue over. No one should spend their life arguing regularly over things important to them.

WavesAndLeaves · 04/08/2021 15:59

YABU. My husband is a massive introvert, but he wanted to spend much more time with me when we were first together (I'm introverted too, but don't need as much alone time as him).

Part of it is making the effort in a new relationship when you care about someone, and part of it is just the excitement of caring about this new person that you want to see them lots.

Sounds like either you're not as into him as you think you are, or that you're just not a good fit for each other. This early on I think he's right to end it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 15:59

Everyone needs a private time and if someone had issues with mine, I would turn them into koftas😂

Also, at 4 months, he is really more of a boyfriend than a partner tbh. I don't take well to people who demand all the time from others.

However, on the other hand, having JUST weekends wouldn't really make me happy either.

None of you are BU really. It's personal preference. There is a comprimise to be had, but it may be that none can do it. It just happens.

Original poster

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 16:00

@gamerchick

At this stage I would probably want more than just a weekend and I like my own space. However, this is you and there's nothing wrong with what you want. As is there's nothing wrong with what he wants and if those are not compatible then he's within his right to want to end it if it isn't working for him.

It's not that I only want to see him at weekends. We were on holiday all week last week. I probably want one or two weeks out of the month where I have alone time during the work week.

It's so hard because I love him and in so many ways he's perfect. We have the same sense of humour, he pulls his weight domestically, he gives me so much love and affection, he's energetic and ambitious.

Everything my ex wasn't. I don't want to throw something really good away because of this comparatively small issue.

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/08/2021 16:04

If you were to live with him, how would that work if you want to be alone during the week?

I love my alone time (I have two DDs so any alone time is pretty much non-existent) but I want a couple of hours here and there. Not every evening during the week.

EdgeOfACoin · 04/08/2021 16:13

Weekends-only sounds like more of a long distance relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:15

You can't compromise at all? Even seeing him on Wednesdays would be too much?

romany4 · 04/08/2021 16:18

I've been married 31 years.
DH and I still have at least 2 evenings a week where we are in separate rooms and doing our own thing. We like our own space when we need it

CoralFish · 04/08/2021 16:20

I don't think that it is unreasonable to want your own space, BUT I also think five days in a row is quite a long time to want away from your partner. I can see why he thinks you are not compatible. If you think this is a comparatively small issue, then can't you agree a compromise?

Original poster

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 16:21

I don't only want to see him weekends, I just want the work week to myself about once or twice a month.

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Youarestillintherunning · 04/08/2021 16:23

You are not being unreasonable, and neither is he. I don't think that you are compatible, as you are both wanting different things from this relationship. If neither one of you are willing to compromise, then it's best to part ways before you are deeper in it

icedcoffees · 04/08/2021 16:24

I wouldn't be happy to only see someone at weekends after 4 months, to be honest.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2021 16:27

YANBU
He's not a partner he's a boyfriend and he's being smothering and controlling. He's going to end it because he feels rejected because you sometimes need space?? Ick. Let him go.

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 16:29

OP, YANBU.

If he wants to end it, leave him to it.

It is reasonable to want some space still after only 4 months.

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2021 16:30

It sounds like he's a good man....but you're just not into him in that lustful, all-consuming way. it's hard to want to spend all hours with someone that is wonderful on paper, in a friend love way, but who just doesn't ignite your fire.

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 16:31

What is his relationship history and does he have his own place?

What is he asking for? You must surely be able to compromise. 4 months is very short so still at the getting to know you stage and I might consider it a amber flag if it's his way or nothing.

There are no rules that you have to follow so surely he can let the relationship develop unless he is pushing for commitment. How old are you both?

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/08/2021 16:33

At 4 months in, I’d want more than just weekends, and if that’s all was offered would probably be thinking it TBH.

Original poster

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 16:35

@YouJustDoYou

It sounds like he's a good man....but you're just not into him in that lustful, all-consuming way. it's hard to want to spend all hours with someone that is wonderful on paper, in a friend love way, but who just doesn't ignite your fire.

I definitely am obsessed with him in the way you talk about but I think I'm a little jaded from my previous relationship (which ended in January) as it got much too comfortable and he really stopped being attracted to me. I fear that will happen again.

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Original poster

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 16:39

@Fireflygal

What is his relationship history and does he have his own place?

What is he asking for? You must surely be able to compromise. 4 months is very short so still at the getting to know you stage and I might consider it a amber flag if it's his way or nothing.

There are no rules that you have to follow so surely he can let the relationship develop unless he is pushing for commitment. How old are you both?

He was with someone for 2 years at 18 and a couple of months at 24. He lives with his mum as he started a company a year ago. He did go away to university.

He thinks on average we should see each other around 5 nights a week. The issue did come up a few weeks ago and we decided to give it time and see how it went. Then I said on Sunday night I wanted to see each other on Friday and he hasn't been feeling good about it.

He's 26 and I'm 27.

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DowntonCrabby · 04/08/2021 16:43

Neither of you are BU but if he’s looking for more time together/commitment it’s fair for him to move on.
It’s also fine for you to seek out a companion type relationship seeing once or twice a week if you feel you’ll always need your space, you’ll need to be very honest from the start of any new relationship though as I can see how the BF expected things to progress.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2021 16:45

5 nights a week would be way too much for me and anyone who couldn't respect that would not be the one for me

Lysianthus · 04/08/2021 16:45

So he basically wants to move out of his mum’s? I’m guessing you don’t spend weekends with him, and he comes to you?