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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP feels rejected because I need space

60 replies

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 15:43

I have been with DP for about 4 months and we get on really well, are very passionate and feel really comfortable together.

But although I love spending time with him, I find I do need my own space and sometimes want to have Mon-Fri alone in my flat and see him at the weekend. He thinks at this stage we should be really into each other and be together much more often than this. He wants to end it because we have different levels of commitment and engagement in the relationship.

I think I just like and need my own company.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 16:51

@Lysianthus

So he basically wants to move out of his mum’s? I’m guessing you don’t spend weekends with him, and he comes to you?
I don't think he wants to move out - he just wants to be together a lot.

I do sometimes go to his but yes we tend to spend most of the time at mine. Where I also work from home all the time so I think I feel stagnant there anyway.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 04/08/2021 16:54

I wouldn't be worried that he wants to see more of you, but I'd definitely be bothered that he's given you an ultimatum. Red flag. Let him know you like him and would like to see how things go, but you need your own space and don't want to rush things. If he can't accept that, then best to end it now before any more feelings are involved.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 16:54

5 is too much if you need a spave. 4 should absolutely do it and be a good compromise imho. But of course it's on you, not me

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/08/2021 17:03

My do of 2 years is currently living with me while he waits for his house to be ready to move into. Before this, we lived an hours drive apart and saw each other EOW and a night in the week (I have kids).
We wanted to see more of each other, hence him moving closer to me, but I also need my own space and time with my kids so we are not moving in together.

Even with him staying with me for a couple of months, we have the odd evening when he goes and games with his friends (virtually) from one room and I watch what I want on tv. I can’t be around someone 24/7.

Sounds like you are similar, but in your position, if I did really like this guy I would find a compromise. Five days a week is too much for you, 2 nights a week is not enough for him. Can you do one week night and make it 3?

eightyfourandahalf · 04/08/2021 17:13

Neither of you are wrong.

You just want/ need different things. He's right to end things if you are not at the same level, better than resentment from either side.

I did find it easier to move with my now DH to have my own space! It meant I didn't have to PLAN to see him, could plan to see my friends or do whatever I wanted and when we were both around, we could see each other. Bliss.

It was a pain in the arse to schedule to see my own boyfriend.

knittingaddict · 04/08/2021 17:14

I agree with him and I'm an extreme introvert. When I met my husband and we were falling in love we spent most evenings and weekends together. I didn't need my space because he was becoming an inportant part of my life. 35 years later he's still the only person I can tolerate for indefinite periods of time.

At 4 months in I would expect to spend more than just weekends together. Otherwise it's not a developing relationship or going any where.

Snoken · 04/08/2021 17:15

I couldn't spend that much time with someone I have only known for 4 months either. At that stage it's more about dating and getting to know each other with a night or two a week spent together in my opinion. It clearly not the same when you have been with someone for years, then you learn to live together, but it's too soon for him to put these ultimatums on you. You know what you are comfortable with, and it won't kill him to miss you a few nights a week. In fact, the latter is probably a good thing as it keeps the new relationship exciting and fun for longer. If you are meant to be you will have decades of waking up next to each other ahead of you. No rush.

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/08/2021 17:25

@qwertyuiop098

I don't only want to see him weekends, I just want the work week to myself about once or twice a month.
You’re so not unreasonable, OP. It’s impossible to be unreasonable about your own preferences on something. However, if he’s needier than you, he’s also not unreasonable to end it.

I’m like you. I’d happily only see my H one weekend a month at the moment. I crave my own space, time and freedom.

ColouringPencils · 04/08/2021 17:33

If your previous relationship ended in Jan and this one started in April(?) I am not surprised you might want a bit of space, maybe it feels like you met him too soon? I don't think anyone is in the wrong, but I also don't blame him for thinking you are less interested than he is. It is hard when you aren't on the same page.

flameycakes · 04/08/2021 17:35

So it's all his way or he is off? No compromise or discussion. This would be a red flag for me. What's next? Him wanting to move in and threatening to dump you again when he doesn't get his own way? Give in and he will keep using this tactic to control and manipulate you. How can he on one hand like you so much he wants to spend lots more time with you, and on the other not want you in his life at all, it makes zero sense.

Crunchymum · 04/08/2021 17:39

Another one who thinks maybe he is pushing things with you as a means to move out of his mums? Or at least spend less time there.

eightyfourandahalf · 04/08/2021 17:42

So it's all his way or he is off? No compromise or discussion. This would be a red flag for me.

but not everything has to be a compromise.

There would be a lot less threads about miserable posters on here if they had not decided to settle in relationships that don't make them entirely happy after just 4 MONTHS, if they had not compromised and forgot what THEY wanted in the first place.

It's not about manipulation, it's recognising that something is not working for you, you don't want/need the same thing. If you are looking for something long term, might as well end it straight away and move on.

It's not wrong to want to keep it fairly casual, it's not wrong to want more. People shouldn't' compromise so early. When adults are both working full time and have a life anyway, there's not that much time left to be together anyway, they are not school friends.

Aprilx · 04/08/2021 17:43

Neither of you are being unreasonable .. other than you say he “wants to” end it rather than he has ended it. Does that mean he has given an ultimatum? If so, I think that would be the deal breaker “see me more or we are finished”…

I think I would be more like him than you though, assuming you live in the same area, I would expect to see each other midweek by now and I don’t know how I would feel about somebody saying to me that they need to go without seeing me for a week a couple of times a month either. It wouldn’t be something I would see as a positive sign that is for sure.

I was surprised when you said, further down your thread, that you loved him. It doesn’t seem consistent with not wanting to see somebody very much.

Thesheerrelief · 04/08/2021 17:44

To me seeing each other at weekends four months in sounds perfect. Everyone is different though. If you can find a balance that works for you both then great. If you can't then it's probably best to move on.

Zilla1 · 04/08/2021 17:46

IMO, HIBU if he equates relationship commitment and engagement with time spent tofether though if he won't change his thinking then you might not be able to reconcile your different preferences.

Good luck.

bluebeck · 04/08/2021 17:49

I'm with you OP, but to be honest it doesn't really matter as it just shows you are incompatible.

That's what the dating stage is for, to find out these things before you get too involved. You are only a few months in, so just cut your losses and move on.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 04/08/2021 17:53

I don't feel like either of you are being unreasonable at all, simply that your wants and expectations don't quite match up.

I'm not sure what to suggest, many many years ago I felt like your DP and DH was more like you.
I found it tough and I think ended up clingy. I was only 17 though.

We broke up a few times, I grew up a bit and chilled out, less infatuated and 20+ years later we are on the same page (I need space too now, funnily enough!).

So I see both your points of view, I guess you just have to see if you could compromise.

Fuggly · 04/08/2021 17:53

I think at 4 months in, weekends only is fine. I presume you message and/or speak in the week?

Do you think he is hinting at moving out of his mum’s and in to yours?

flameycakes · 04/08/2021 17:55

@eightyfourandahalf

So it's all his way or he is off? No compromise or discussion. This would be a red flag for me.

but not everything has to be a compromise.

There would be a lot less threads about miserable posters on here if they had not decided to settle in relationships that don't make them entirely happy after just 4 MONTHS, if they had not compromised and forgot what THEY wanted in the first place.

It's not about manipulation, it's recognising that something is not working for you, you don't want/need the same thing. If you are looking for something long term, might as well end it straight away and move on.

It's not wrong to want to keep it fairly casual, it's not wrong to want more. People shouldn't' compromise so early. When adults are both working full time and have a life anyway, there's not that much time left to be together anyway, they are not school friends.

Yes you are right. I think maybe I'm a little jaded and cynical about most things relationship wise at the moment.
Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 18:04

Red flag. He could be a narsasistic sociopathic domestic violence type person. Wants you constantly move to fast etx and then he has you. Either stays as it is or jog on pal

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 04/08/2021 18:06

5 days a week would be too much for me 4 months in. I saw my now DP for 3 nights a week for the 1st 3 years when my DS was at his Dad’s.

Needapoodle · 04/08/2021 18:11

You've only been together a few weeks in the grand scheme of things. If you're not compatible now you never will be.

HealthKick2021 · 04/08/2021 18:14

You should still be in the honeymoon stage. Let him free.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 04/08/2021 19:01

@Christmasfairy2020

Red flag. He could be a narsasistic sociopathic domestic violence type person. Wants you constantly move to fast etx and then he has you. Either stays as it is or jog on pal
What
SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 19:15

@Christmasfairy2020

Red flag. He could be a narsasistic sociopathic domestic violence type person. Wants you constantly move to fast etx and then he has you. Either stays as it is or jog on pal
I am more scared of people who come up with things like these tbh...