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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that opening someones will before they're dead is outrageous?

59 replies

Periodly · 04/08/2021 13:42

My Dad was in end of life hospice type care and a very short time before he died, my sister and her husband went into his house, opened his filing cabinet, took his will, opened it and then went into the hospital and asked him if he wanted to change it.

My Dad said he felt completely violated and was very distressed. He died shortly after this.

Their justification was that a few years prior to this he had had a severe mental health episode and may have written the wrong will.

In my mind, at the point of his death he was pretty much in sound mind and any question over his affairs couldve been had without this violation.

I have been told that my anger over this is unreasonable. That I am unreasonable and this was a reasonable thing to do.

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 04/08/2021 13:45

I would be just as angry as you are.

AgileSlug · 04/08/2021 13:48

Me too. That is dreadful.

wishing3 · 04/08/2021 13:49

Awful! Sorry that your dad died.

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 13:49

That’s horrendous. I’m sorry for your loss x

Crockof · 04/08/2021 13:51

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'd be angry as well.

ChainJane · 04/08/2021 13:52

That's wrong. They could have asked him to confirm he didn't want to change anything in his will without them reading it first.

I'm surprised he felt so distressed or violated though - it implies that there was something in it that he felt ashamed of or uncomfortable with. If a will is a straightforward "share my estate equally between my children" type of thing there's nothing to worry about.

That doesn't mean it's OK for your sister to have done what she did. I think legally they have done nothing wrong though, most places don't have a specific offence for reading a will assuming no other crime has been committed eg breaking in.

Original poster

Periodly · 04/08/2021 13:53

Thanks. No one stood up for him. It was a long time ago. 5 years and I've wondered how bad it really is. It felt bad but I was told by a few family it was reasonable.

His estate was less than 150 grand. He left 5000 to an old friend and I beleove they queried this.

They also took a picture that his closest friend wanted. It was of a dragon fly.

I think my sister is bitter about things from our childhood and felt owed. I dont know. I dont understand it.

They disnt even speak to me about their concerns about the will. They just did it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Periodly · 04/08/2021 13:55

Chainjane I think he felt violated that they went into his home and took it out opened it and questioned his decisions. It's probably not illegal, no.

OP posts:

Starjammer · 04/08/2021 13:55

You really see people's true colours sometimes when a bit of money appears. They sound awful. We are NC with my uncle due to his horrible behaviour over my grandad's will and stealing things to sell before my mum and other uncle could deal with the estate.

caringcarer · 04/08/2021 14:01

Your sister sounds horrible and disrespectful to me. I am not surprised he was upset.

Nootkah · 04/08/2021 14:06

YANBU. They could have had that conversation without opening the will first.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/08/2021 14:08

Christ that’s awful, your poor dad

Sparklesocks · 04/08/2021 14:14

That’s very upsetting and I imagine adds more stress on top of your grief. Very sorry it happened.

I was at a funeral once and got talking to one of the staff at the crematorium. He said that at least once every few weeks a service will descend into either a verbal or physical altercation and it’s almost always about money/the will. It’s such a shame that some people lose all their decency when it comes to money.

Rollercoaster1920 · 04/08/2021 14:17

Why didn't your dad provide you with a copy of his will beforehand? That is what we have done, prevents all this unpleasantness.

godmum56 · 04/08/2021 14:19

I am reading that this was 5 years ago. I think for your own mental health you need to find a way of processing this rather than dwelling on it....I am absolutely NOT saying you should "get over it" but unless there is some action that you want to take then allowing it to eat at you is not the best for you?

CarpeVitam · 04/08/2021 14:25

That IS outrageous OP and disgusting behaviour- so invasive! 😳

Kerzehmet · 04/08/2021 14:27

I think it's more about what it said to him 'you are dying and our main priority is not looking after you, or saying our goodbyes, or telling you we love you, but finding out what you have left us in your will.' I think it must have been awful for him.

But it doesn't matter if family tell you you are over reacting, it won't stop you feeling that way. Someone else suggested you may benefit from talking it over with a a counsellor and I agree, it's just festering away otherwise.

plodalong12 · 04/08/2021 14:29

I really don’t see the big deal about this. Surely it is better to look at a will beforehand just in case there is something in there that can’t be changed once the person is gone.

girlmom21 · 04/08/2021 14:43

They're disgusting. If he was of sound mind, they could have asked if his affairs were all in order without violating his privacy.

If he wasn't, they'd not have been able to change it anyway.

His will, realistically, was none of their business. It's a shame he didn't leave all of her half to the friend instead.

girlmom21 · 04/08/2021 14:44

@plodalong12

I really don’t see the big deal about this. Surely it is better to look at a will beforehand just in case there is something in there that can’t be changed once the person is gone.

It's not their will to worry about. If dad wanted to change it he would have.

KupoNutCoffee · 04/08/2021 15:47

Yanbu. It's rude and disrespectful.

It's one thing to ask, and say "are you happy everything is in order, would you like me bring your will for a review?" Although, even that might be too far.

If there is no doubt there is a will and you're fairly certain it was written in a reasonable state of mind, then I wouldn't even mention the will, just ask if there's anything they need to sort (library books returning etc.).

If there was a little worry perhaps it wasn't written in the best state, or may be out of date with current feelings, it could be worth bringing up.

The way they have done it, they might as well have wrote their corrections in red pen.

helpfulperson · 04/08/2021 15:50

It not really specifically about the will is it? I'd feel violated if my family started nosing around any of my private paperwork before I was dead.

sueelleker · 04/08/2021 15:53

It sounds as if they wanted to find out if he'd left them anything; and if not, persuade him to change it.

ElizaDoolots · 04/08/2021 16:02

YANBU OP. Nothing wrong with asking him gently if he has his affairs in order, but the way they did it was completely intrusive.

YanTanTethera123 · 04/08/2021 16:08

My sibling demanded my father’s Will hours after he died. They turned the house upside down looking for it and wrote hideous emails to the other siblings demanding that they were given it.
The behaviour was appalling and sickening.

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