To think that opening someones will before they're dead is outrageous?

[Periodly]

My Dad was in end of life hospice type care and a very short time before he died, my sister and her husband went into his house, opened his filing cabinet, took his will, opened it and then went into the hospital and asked him if he wanted to change it.

My Dad said he felt completely violated and was very distressed. He died shortly after this.

Their justification was that a few years prior to this he had had a severe mental health episode and may have written the wrong will.

In my mind, at the point of his death he was pretty much in sound mind and any question over his affairs couldve been had without this violation.

I have been told that my anger over this is unreasonable. That I am unreasonable and this was a reasonable thing to do.

I think your sister's behaviour was shocking.

Godmum56. Yes, I think you're right. I've let it go mostly but it feels like part of a bigger picture of feelings of anger towards my family regarding multiple times I feel disrespected. I do need some counselling. Definately.

Yantanteather I'm sorry to read this too. It's so painful when people we love behave so badly; how on earth is it possible to come to terms with that? I'm not sure. Its rough.

Thanks for replies. I'm glad it is felt to be unethical and wrong and I'm not just being over the top

I'm surprised he felt so distressed or violated though - it implies that there was something in it that he felt ashamed of or uncomfortable with. If a will is a straightforward "share my estate equally between my children" type of thing there's nothing to worry about

Not necessarily, not at all in fact. They invaded his privacy, at a time when he was very vulnerable and then implied criticism of his choices. Of course he felt distressed and violated.

Your sister should be so, so, so embarrassed by her behaviour. That is beyond low. Unless you’re going to drip feed she was abused by him as a child, she ought to hang her head in shame. As it goes, I hope she sees this thread and realises how appalling she is.

Unbelievable. I would be angry too.
Sorry about your dad

Briarshollow I am so tempted to send it to her but really what is the point.

Thank you. Me too Longridehome I miss him terribly.

I don't think that opening someone's will before they die is necessarily outrageous, but it was certainly disrespectful and unnecessary in your DF's case.

I think that ideally all your loved ones would already know what is in your will. My grandparents made their will along with their dc, my parents did the same with my siblings and me, and DH and I have done the same with our own dc. I had a copy of my parents' will many years before they died - we all did.

That is fucking disgraceful behaviour I'd have beaten the living shit out of her if that were my sister so by no means are you out of order.

Was there something specific that they felt should be changed or were they just suggesting that the might like to review it?

I suppose it could be reasonable to have a look and see if it could be found and had been done fairly recently, although better to ask him.

* I think my sister is bitter about things from our childhood and felt owed. I dont know. I dont understand it.*

^I would love to hear your sisters side of the story regarding your father.

@plodalong12

I really don’t see the big deal about this. Surely it is better to look at a will beforehand just in case there is something in there that can’t be changed once the person is gone.

They did it against his will and without his prior knowledge.

Can you not see the big deal about opening something private and personal without the owners will or knowledge?

I have been told that my anger over this is unreasonable. That I am unreasonable and this was a reasonable thing to do

By your sister? She's being awful. She dismissed your father's perfectly justified feelings, and now she's dismissing yours.

Has she got prior form for being like this? I can't imagine it's a one off. Well, a 'two-off'. You have to be a pretty callous person to behave in this way.

TheFoundations yep, I guess there is history with my family for being quite dismissive of peoples feelings.

Sorry for the shocker to follow but 5 years ago I had to escape a partner who I found out had a sexual interest in children. He wouldnt let me leave the house and tormented me for 3 days before leaving the UK shortly afterwards.

Whwn the authorities got involved (as I asked for help) My mother told them, and other family members I was delusional. My sister has told me, in the face of my distress; that she will not be on the receiving end of my distress. She has told me I need to get over it and heal.

It was only last year I found out that My mother and sister have both discussed me as delusional and not believed me.

I felt that something was off and couldnt understand why they were not bring particularly supportive and the care and help was delivered as duty rather than feeling genuine.

My mother had given me some detail over what she told police and social workers at that time and has also admitted that she told a couple of her friends that I had made up that this happened and that it probably didnt happen.

I've spent 5 years with no support whatsoever for my son (and me) following what was a scary scary ordeal.

Tbe actions of my mother contributed towards me being investigated instead of supported.

I'm struggling with a whole catalogue of stuff I need to come to terms with and decide how to move on.

Oh God in Heaven OP that is rough. I'm so sorry to hear you've had this to contend with. Cut them loose. You have no obligation nor do you need to put up with this piss poor excuse for family members.

Take care xx

It really sounds like you're the one with their head screwed on right, out of everybody, @Periodly

You've done well to maintain that after everything; you've been through a hell of a lot.

Are you looking into getting professional support? Have you got friends who know what's happened to you?

Thanks TheFoundations. I'm not sure if I've got my head screwed on ! I am quite an honest person though I think. Yes thanks, finally we have some support and I have a few friends who know.

I had EMDR therapy for PTSD after this
It has helped a lot but not worked on the family issues yet.

I'm just sad because my mother likes to give the impression she is a supportive and close grandmother, I live in a small community and her position with church and village life means it is very easy for people to assume what she says is true.

The thinks people have said to he! The barbedcunderhand comments, email from her friend! It's been horrible!

I just dont understand why a family would treat someone like that.

I guess I just have to accept that is what they are like and move on.

Drpet me too. I would love to hear my sisters side of the story too.

He could be a difficult person sometimes and had periods of absence in our lives due to conflict with my mum and his mental health. There maybe some deeper reason she felt entitled to do that. She must've felt entitled to do that. She had a reasonable good relationship with him, and he was good to her children as much as he could be.

I so remember a few times he showed her gifts he had bought me for my birthday, some bowls for thai cooking. She would tell him she wanted them and he gave them to her and then gave me an after thought gift. He also bought me a newly released album of my favorite artist. She asked for it and he gave it to her.

This want replaced.

It wasnt like he didnt do things for her. He gave her gifts and so on too. I dont understand. I really dont.

I'm confused by her behaviour.

I think this is it. I am deeply confused by her behaviour.

I guess she was just trying to survive emotionally and material things have been her way of feeling okay in herself.

I guess underneath she must feels so absolutely desperate and empty she would do that. It's really sad.

Thanks for the therapy mumsnetters!

Disgusting behaviour.

So they tried to coerce your father as he was dying. I would get legal advice.

@Periodly
I am sorry for everything you have been through.
As a family, you expect your mum and sister to support you the most.

As for the will, I am always surprised at the behaviour of some people when it comes down to the will. I see a will as something that is not owed to us but more like a bonus.
Would rather rely on my own self for money. Anything left in a will is extra.
Would rather that family member survived than worry about some will, they may or may not have written. Would be the last thought on my mind.
As for contending any will, which I hear happens alot, it was the persons money to do with as they pleased. They worked hard/ saved hard for that money. They are entitled to give it to whomever they wanted to.
Only difference being, in the case of siblings, if they planned to give to one, then they should give same amount to all to avoid resentment etc.
I can see why the dad felt bad as to me, what you're sister did, screams she cared more for money than him. So it was very disrespectful.

Sorry for typos. Wrote in a rush but you get what I mean hopefully.

Opening someone's will before they are dead is outrageous ?

In the case of the OP, I understand why they are upset. However, there are sometimes circumstances. Not least lawyers and others do it all the time i.e. they write or update them.

Sometimes, the will or copies of same are given to beneficiaries for their attention so they know what's what when the time comes.

It's the circumstances of the people who felt the need to get his will and look at his will when he was having end of life care. Also then to take the will to his bedside and ask if he wanted to change anything with regard to what they were getting, I assume.

That's what I find macabre.

My husband has been told that he will inherit some money when a long standing family friend dies. We were visiting this friend a few years ago and she told me where the will was and implied I could read it now if I wanted to. (I felt this was an honesty test, so despite gagging to know I let integrity rule.)

I jokingly replied that it is customary to wait until the person has died before reading the will. I further joked that I want to see their death certificate first as I don't want any practical jokes. The person just smiled.

However, I too am kinda curious as to the reasoning of the person/s who opened the will before the deceased had deceased.

That is sickening. Some people make you want to give up. How dare they?