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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep this baby?

67 replies

changedncft · 04/08/2021 10:36

Name changed for this.

I am very newly pregnant with someone I have been seeing for six months, he's actually my ex boyfriend but we were apart for a year. Things are going well.

I already have a nearly 3 year old DS from previous relationship and I have him five nights a week, his dad has him the other two (recently upped from one night). My parents also sometimes have him for a night during the week as they love having him.

This means that I still have some free time to myself. I am 21 and so is my boyfriend, non of my friends have children and part of my identity is my social life and having lots of friends, being able to go out and do things and on nights out. I have sacrificed some of that through having DS but I still have a degree of freedom. If I keep this baby, I will lose that. I struggle a lot with loneliness and worry that I would be lonely having two young children whilst all my friends are still enjoying their youth.

DS is incredible, we have such a bond and he is the light of my life. I found the first year very hard, I had PND and struggled to bond with him for those first twelve months or so. I'm worried about this happening again.

My boyfriend says that he will support me but he would prefer I had a termination as we are not ready yet, I would have the support of my family. We are both university students but not living in student accommodation, I live alone with DS.

I really want a baby, I want more children. The thought of being pregnant again, having a new baby and a sibling for DS. I just feel like I would regret throwing my youth away and struggle. I know I would feel guilty if I were to terminate.

WIBU to terminate over such a small reason and when I do want another child?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 10:41

It's your decision, but you are so, so young. Another baby will make your life very complicated. I would focus on your existing child and yourself, career wise.

lastqueenofscotland · 04/08/2021 10:42

OP you don’t need to justify to anyone to terminate.

ikeepseeingit · 04/08/2021 10:44

You don’t need to justify it OP. If it’s not right for you and your family then that’s okay.

cinammonbuns · 04/08/2021 10:46

I don’t think it’s a small reason at all. I obviously will not tell you what to do as it’s your decision but wanting freedom and to enjoy your youth is not a small reason at all.

My friend at your age was in a similar position and she always told me how lonely it was to have children because the rest of us didn’t have any till early and late 30’s. She says if she could do it again she would have had children later.

I think you have already been forced to grow up early and you would not be terminating for a small reason if that’s what you decided on.

Also it seems you may end up doing it alone again. I don’t mean to be blunt but a 21 year old man is unlikely to stick by you through it all and you’d be the single mother to two children at a very young age. It is not a decision to be made lightly.

I hope you find peace in whatever you choose. Regretting things in life is the most horrible feeling.

NeedNewKnees · 04/08/2021 10:46

You don’t need to justify yourself. If it’s not the right time for you, that’s completely fine.

It’s your body, your life, your choice. There should be no other considerations needed.

Fernando072020 · 04/08/2021 10:48

If it's not right and you're not ready, op, then you don't need to feel guilty or justify it to anyone.
It's completely your choice.

badatcrochet1996 · 04/08/2021 10:52

In your situation I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy.

You don't have to justify your reasons why to anyone. It's a choice.

Sending love

Youseethethingis · 04/08/2021 10:52

That not a small reason, that's quite a few big reasons.
You know yourself better than we do.
You say you'd feel guilty of you terminated, but would that be outweighed by the relief of not having be to go through all that at a time when you're not ready for it?
Nobody can tell you what to do, but I'm telling you not to give yourself a hard time, whatever you decide. You get one life and you need to make the best decisions you can for yourself at any given time, even when there's no easy choice in the table Flowers

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 04/08/2021 10:54

Not wanting to be pregnant at this specific time is all the reason anyone ever needs to terminate a pregnancy.

Plus what everyone else said.

SoddingWeddings · 04/08/2021 10:54

That's not a small reason at all, it's plenty of perfectly reasonable concerns and needs. I had to make a similar decision at 24 and did not proceed with the pregnancy. No judgement here, you have to do what's best for you and your son for the long term.

Starjammer · 04/08/2021 10:56

Absolutely your decision and you don't need a reason. The only thing I would say is that I would imagine doing it solo - such a new relationship at such a young age is quite likely not to survive, so I would first work out if I could handle it solo and then anything else that happens is a bonus.

FWIW I had a termination a couple of weeks ago and the only reason I needed was that I didn't want to continue at that time. That's what it came down to. If you want the baby, then that's all the reason you need. But equally you are young and there's no reason to think you can't have another further down the line when timing is better.

Hope you can make the decision that's best for you Thanks

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/08/2021 10:57

If it's not the right time for then that's all the reason you need.

IonaLeg · 04/08/2021 10:58

You don’t have to justify a termination to anyone - it’s absolutely your choice, and completely up to you. You know better than anyone else possibly could whether or not a baby is the right thing for you at this time. You don’t need to feel guilty or come up with reasons that are acceptable to anyone else.

UrgentExit · 04/08/2021 10:58

If I were in your shoes, having weighed up both the practical and emotional pros and cons, I would terminate this pregnancy, particularly at your age with the fact you're a student.

Whatever you decide is right for you OP then that choice is a valid one and doesn't need justification. Like all major life choices, it's one which will have a massive impact on yours, your boyfriend's and your existing child's lives and imo one which is best pursued when you feel ready.

Branleuse · 04/08/2021 11:07

I think your reasons for wanting to terminate are completely valid. A second baby at this stage would really change your life a lot and it would be much harder to find childcare and it would be much harder to find a balance.
If neither you or your partner feel this is the right time for another kid, then I would terminate as early as possible, but be prepared that sometimes it puts you through the wringer a bit emotionally even if when its the right decision.
etod its only you who can call this one, as its you that will be most affected

L4ura4423 · 04/08/2021 11:13

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Notimeforaname · 04/08/2021 11:18

In your position,I would terminate. As you say you are young and have plenty of time for more kids.

Notimeforaname · 04/08/2021 11:19

and perhaps learn how birth control works Hmm yea because you know exactly what happened here..

HumpHumpWhale · 04/08/2021 11:24

I'd terminate in your position. It's never unreasonable to choose not to have a child, imo, it's a huge thing to bring another life into the world and I don't think anyone should do it unless they're really really sure they want to.

(I'm not saying I agree with v late abortions btw. But early on, speaking as someone who has had two kids and two miscarriages, I think it's MUCH better to terminate than to have a kid you don't want)

Pissinthepottyplease · 04/08/2021 11:26

The only good reason to terminate is you want to. You don’t need to justify the decision to anyone. Your reasons aren’t small and they are very practical. Looking after your health, especially when you are a mother is so important. The majority of women who have terminations already have a child/ren.

Only you can decide if it’s the right decision. If I was you then I would terminate. Flowers

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 04/08/2021 11:27

It’s your body and your decision and you should do whatever feels right for you, others opinions don’t matter. Whatever you decide though, I would look at your birth control - this isn’t meant judgementally, failures happen and not every method of birth control suits everyone, but two unintended pregnancies by 21 suggests the need for a new method that suits you better.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/08/2021 11:30

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Ponoka7 · 04/08/2021 11:33

Having two children is a lot more difficult than having one. In a few years you will have a lot more freedom. It doesn't sound as though your bf wants a baby and you will parent alone. You'll have the added complication of one child going to their Dads and another with a Dad who possibly doesn't want to know. Six months is no time at all to declare that it's going well. Especially as we've been in lock down. It would be incredibly rare that a 21 year old lad steps up as he should. You could have eighteen months of being on your own, then a night out occasionally when your parents have them. I'd terminate and advise my Dad's to in your circumstances.

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2021 11:33

'my Dds' not Dad's!

ImFallingApartAt27 · 04/08/2021 11:35

Your body, your choice.

I was faced with the same decision six months ago and I decided to proceed with the pregnancy, but I'm under no illusion that my life won't be considerably harder for it.

Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you and you should feel no guilt.