To not keep this baby?

[changedncft]

Name changed for this.

I am very newly pregnant with someone I have been seeing for six months, he's actually my ex boyfriend but we were apart for a year. Things are going well.

I already have a nearly 3 year old DS from previous relationship and I have him five nights a week, his dad has him the other two (recently upped from one night). My parents also sometimes have him for a night during the week as they love having him.

This means that I still have some free time to myself. I am 21 and so is my boyfriend, non of my friends have children and part of my identity is my social life and having lots of friends, being able to go out and do things and on nights out. I have sacrificed some of that through having DS but I still have a degree of freedom. If I keep this baby, I will lose that. I struggle a lot with loneliness and worry that I would be lonely having two young children whilst all my friends are still enjoying their youth.

DS is incredible, we have such a bond and he is the light of my life. I found the first year very hard, I had PND and struggled to bond with him for those first twelve months or so. I'm worried about this happening again.

My boyfriend says that he will support me but he would prefer I had a termination as we are not ready yet, I would have the support of my family. We are both university students but not living in student accommodation, I live alone with DS.

I really want a baby, I want more children. The thought of being pregnant again, having a new baby and a sibling for DS. I just feel like I would regret throwing my youth away and struggle. I know I would feel guilty if I were to terminate.

WIBU to terminate over such a small reason and when I do want another child?

It seems almost every day on Mumsnet there's posts from people feeling really quite down and desperate because they are not enjoying their kids and feel burdened. It sounds like this is not the right time for you and that's ok, you have lots of love to give to your current child and they come first.

[quote cinammonbuns]@changedncft happy you’ve come back and that the advice on this thread has been mostly supportive and non judgy. It seems that you feel you would regret it, is this because you do want another baby now or worry you won’t be able to conceive in the future when you are in a better position to have one?

I think you should consider exactly why you would feel regret if you were to terminate.

I would also imagine the scenario of doing it alone and how you may feel if your social life and career do not develop in the way you want it to die to having another child. Do you feel like you would regret not having a termination if you were to feel lonely and jealous of your friends who have more freedom in the future.

The worst thing in life is that we cannot predict the future. If I were you I would book an appointment at the clinic to go through the termination cancelling. My mother actually did that when she was pregnant (with me!) and was in a bad financial decision. She decided not to terminate (obviously) but her decision would have been perfectly valid either way. She said the people at the clinic were lovely. She was much older than you though and I think she worried about future conception whereas you have plenty of time.

Good luck whatever you choose and I really think the counselling will help with your decision.

Also did your partners use condoms as well as the contraception you are on? In the future I would insist on the condoms if you don’t already use them and want to avoid pregnancy.[/quote]
Thank you so much.

I would love another baby now in so many ways, but my freedom is so important to me right now. I know I could provide for and love another baby, but selfishly I'm enjoying being young.

I think I would feel regret because I know I want more children at some point, there is a big part of me that does want a baby now and I think I would feel guilt from having a termination.

Whenever I picture myself parenting two children, I always envisage myself doing it alone as that's what I have done with my son up until recently. Motherhood, to me, has always been a solo role. I think I would regret not having a termination in some ways, but not in others.

I'm so 50/50 torn I don't know how I'm going to make this decision.

No, we weren't using condoms. We definitely will be in future.

Suspiria thank you for your response. I'm not overweight, my bmi is just below 20. I'll definitely be using barrier methods from now on, I'm considering the copper coil.

@OlympicProcrastinator

As for those who have mentioned contraception, I was on the depo injection when I became pregnant with DS and on the combined pill this time

Oh god the bloody depo shot! Same OP! The doctor was so sure I couldn’t be pregnant because I was on that bloody thing that she didn’t do a test on me. I found out WAAAY too late to do anything except go ahead. DD is now 3! Sorry to derail but I detest it when people smugly talk about ‘sorting your contraception out’ and that they don’t believe that women taking contraception properly really do fall pregnant and must be lying about taking it properly. Just. Fuck. Off.

Anyway, absolutely do not feel guilty whatever you do. Your first child needs to be priority and if having another DC is going to impact how easily you care for him then that’s enough reason. 21 is so young.

Thank you.

It really irritates me when people say this too, gosh it must've been such a shock for you to find out so late. I have a couple of friends who have fallen pregnant whilst on hormonal contraceptives too.

@Fieldsofstars

I don’t understand why people prioritise their social life when young but not do the same when they’re older. Life is for living, whatever age you have a child you have to sacrifice your fun. Whether you’re 21 or 31 you still need time to yourself and it’s still hard to give up.

I think it's because none of my friends have children, the times when they're socialising and the type of socialising they do, I would not be able to do with two children. When I'm older, I'll have many friends in the same position.

Only you can decide what to do in this situation. Other people's feelings and morals may add insight, or not, but ultimately aren't relevant. Do you want to raise another child?

You’re young enough to go on to have lots of children so I’d say a termination makes sense in your position. Perhaps change your contraception method to something more effective.

Just saw the last post re. contraception. Perhaps you need to double up to be sure. Condoms abd the pill.

OP,
You had your son so young and are now getting a small bit of freedom.

You have a long life ahead of you.

Don't underestimate the joy of a bit of freedom to enjoy your 20's.

If you were my daughter I would want you to have this time for you.

No woman should feel guilty about having a termination, whatever the reason for her to choose to do so. From what you say there are a lot of great reasons to justify having one, and merely the fear you might feel guilty because you want another baby at some point further down the line.

Enjoying your life over the next few years should be your priority - you are only young once, but you can have babies long into the future.

Unfortunately, you can't make a decision based on hindsight, so what matters is not as much the decision you do make, but how you embrace it and make the best of it without looking back and pestering your mind wondering what it would be like if you'd made the other decision and decide that that life would be better. You'll never know what life would have been making the other decision.

So take one when you're ready, and then forget completely what could have been.

After reading your updates, I can see the difficult position you find yourself in. If I were to become pregnant now, I'd feel very similar (I have a 1 year old and not sure I could face a termination but I'm mentally doing much better now I'm getting some freedom - and sleep - back). I know that's not very helpful as I'm not in the situation but I just wanted to say your needs are not "selfish" and it's good you recognise them.
There is honestly going to be no "right" decision here. If you keep the baby, you may end up very unhappy at the loss of freedom again or you may be so happy you didn't terminate. If you terminate, you might feel a weight lifted off of your shoulders or you might regret it.
I think it's better to make the decision based on your feelings now, rather than worrying about what you could be feeling after.

@vivainsomnia I think that's excellent advice.

I'm really sorry to say this and I know every woman has the right to choose, but I really think that in this instance aborting would be quite selfish. Imagine you abort the child because you want to have fun and then you can't get pregnant again? I am not anti abortion by any means but I just think this is a pretty crappy reason to abort. I am not anti-abortion by any means, but I also think that abortions are not a small deal and they can stay with you for the rest of your life and be something you regret forever. If you know you want another baby then aborting this one because you want to have a bit more fun just doesn't feel right.

Oops, sorry for repeating myself, copied and pasted the same sentence by accident and thought I'd deleted it but got distracted by yelling toddler

It’s not a small reason and I. Your situation I would terminate. I think you’ve probably missed out on slot having your first so young, enjoy these younger years before having another baby, they go far too quickly.

I think those comments are judgemental in a cruel way @Bumblecattabbybee and not at all helpful to a young woman who has already said she's struggling with loneliness.

To bring it down to someone just wanting a bit more fun in their life is incorrect. Well it is according to my reading of what the OP's said and the remark is callous with it. She obviously isn't treating it as a flippant decision at all.

Neither the potential mother or father feel ready at this stage in their lives and so I would say it's actually quite selfless to cause herself distress in order not to bring a child into the world when they're not committed.