To not keep this baby?

[changedncft]

Name changed for this.

I am very newly pregnant with someone I have been seeing for six months, he's actually my ex boyfriend but we were apart for a year. Things are going well.

I already have a nearly 3 year old DS from previous relationship and I have him five nights a week, his dad has him the other two (recently upped from one night). My parents also sometimes have him for a night during the week as they love having him.

This means that I still have some free time to myself. I am 21 and so is my boyfriend, non of my friends have children and part of my identity is my social life and having lots of friends, being able to go out and do things and on nights out. I have sacrificed some of that through having DS but I still have a degree of freedom. If I keep this baby, I will lose that. I struggle a lot with loneliness and worry that I would be lonely having two young children whilst all my friends are still enjoying their youth.

DS is incredible, we have such a bond and he is the light of my life. I found the first year very hard, I had PND and struggled to bond with him for those first twelve months or so. I'm worried about this happening again.

My boyfriend says that he will support me but he would prefer I had a termination as we are not ready yet, I would have the support of my family. We are both university students but not living in student accommodation, I live alone with DS.

I really want a baby, I want more children. The thought of being pregnant again, having a new baby and a sibling for DS. I just feel like I would regret throwing my youth away and struggle. I know I would feel guilty if I were to terminate.

WIBU to terminate over such a small reason and when I do want another child?

In those circumstances I wouldn't have a second child.
It doesn't matter how minor the reason, it is your decision whether to terminate; nobody is going to make you justify your decision if you make the decision early enough.

It's not a small reason at all. It's hugely life changing and in your position I would terminate.
I got pregnant 6mths into a relationship and we decided to terminate as we were far too early in our relationship to be parenting together. The situation was too difficult and our work situations weren't secure.
You're very young and really shouldn't be missing out on certain experiences. I was 33 when I terminated my first baby. If it's not right for your current situation, don't feel that you have to justify your choice to anyone. Do what is best for you.
We went on to have a child a couple of years later.

It is hard to give advice because we are not in your shoes. I was a young parent. It was hard, it was lonely and it didn’t give me the chance to build a career and do the things people my age were doing socially. I’m now nearly 40 and I’m slowly building the life I want. Somedays I regret having kids early and some days I’m glad I did as having young children at my age would be knackering.

At the end of the day? I don’t regret my kids but I do wish I would have waited until I was a bit older. Good luck and I’m sure you will make the right choice for you xx

If you want another baby, and you already have a young child, then maybe this is the best time to have a second. They will grow up together and you will have done your child rearing when young, and still be young when they are teenagers, without a big gap between them. Hard work at the beginning, but you will be free sooner. Just a thought, not advice, as totally your decision.

If you feel that an abortion would give you feelings of guilt, personally I would take the time to examine those feelings to understand why.

If it's because you feel on some gut level that you would regret it, it's worth taking the time to be sure about your decision. It's your future and you'll be living with the consequences, whatever you decide. Only you know how you feel.

Termination is totally your choice, you do not have to justify anything to anybody.

Just found out I'm pregnant too third baby I'm
25 and already have two but I've been with OH for a while.

I had so many doubts with my second but honestly best decision I've ever made they are best friends and DD slotted into our life perfectly.

But you need to think about what YOU really want to do.

Thank you everyone. I am so torn, I know this isn't the right time but I feel like I would regret an abortion.

As for those who have mentioned contraception, I was on the depo injection when I became pregnant with DS and on the combined pill this time.

It sounds like you do want another baby and sibling for your young child. Although the timing is not ideal, having more energy to look after children at your younger age is a plus, and having childrens ages closer together (rather than a big gap) may build for a lovely sibling bond and relationship with each other. A new baby may curtail your social freedoms initially but sounds like your family are happy to help with childcare so when baby is old enough to stay with them you can still arrange to go out and do fun things. If current partner doesn’t stick around long term you could make an arrangement similar to your existing one where he would look after DC 1-2 nights a week? Or there is always professional/ paid for childcare too. Babies do grow quick and as you already have a young child the adjustment may not be as difficult as it may seem.

@changedncft happy you’ve come back and that the advice on this thread has been mostly supportive and non judgy. It seems that you feel you would regret it, is this because you do want another baby now or worry you won’t be able to conceive in the future when you are in a better position to have one?

I think you should consider exactly why you would feel regret if you were to terminate.

I would also imagine the scenario of doing it alone and how you may feel if your social life and career do not develop in the way you want it to die to having another child. Do you feel like you would regret not having a termination if you were to feel lonely and jealous of your friends who have more freedom in the future.

The worst thing in life is that we cannot predict the future. If I were you I would book an appointment at the clinic to go through the termination cancelling. My mother actually did that when she was pregnant (with me!) and was in a bad financial decision. She decided not to terminate (obviously) but her decision would have been perfectly valid either way. She said the people at the clinic were lovely. She was much older than you though and I think she worried about future conception whereas you have plenty of time.

Good luck whatever you choose and I really think the counselling will help with your decision.

Also did your partners use condoms as well as the contraception you are on? In the future I would insist on the condoms if you don’t already use them and want to avoid pregnancy.

YANBU

You don’t have to justify yourself to us or anyone else. If you feel terminating is best for you at this point in your life then that’s what you should do. Your body, your choice.

@changedncft

Thank you everyone. I am so torn, I know this isn't the right time but I feel like I would regret an abortion.

As for those who have mentioned contraception, I was on the depo injection when I became pregnant with DS and on the combined pill this time.

Are you overweight by any chance? There's some evidence that hormonal contraceptives are less effective in heavier women (because bigger people typically require larger doses of the hormones to achieve the same effects). Whatever you decide to do about this pregnancy (and FWIW it sounds like termination is the best option for you) please see your GP and discuss your contraceptive needs -- and make sure you use a barrier method going forward until you know whatever else you use is reliable.

OP, just not wanting to be pregnant right now is enough reason. I wish you peace of mind with your decision (whatever it is) and happiness in the future.

You're so young! You've got years yet to have another baby and I certainly wouldn't have another yet with an on/off boyfriend who isn't keen.

If you think you would regret a termination more than you'd benefit from it, maybe it's worth spending a bit of time figuring out how to make things work and what support you may need if you continue the pregnancy?
Everyone feels better when they have a plan.

As for those who have mentioned contraception, I was on the depo injection when I became pregnant with DS and on the combined pill this time

Oh god the bloody depo shot! Same OP! The doctor was so sure I couldn’t be pregnant because I was on that bloody thing that she didn’t do a test on me. I found out WAAAY too late to do anything except go ahead. DD is now 3! Sorry to derail but I detest it when people smugly talk about ‘sorting your contraception out’ and that they don’t believe that women taking contraception properly really do fall pregnant and must be lying about taking it properly. Just. Fuck. Off.

Anyway, absolutely do not feel guilty whatever you do. Your first child needs to be priority and if having another DC is going to impact how easily you care for him then that’s enough reason. 21 is so young.

You don’t need to justify your decision, regardless of how “good” or otherwise you think your reasons are.

You’re 21. It’s a new relationship and quite unlikely to stand the test of time, especially if you’re adding a baby to the mix. You may quickly find yourself in a position of being single again, and dealing with not only two children but two fathers and all the additional complexity that brings- CMS, visitation etc. all times two.

As previous posters have said, you don't need to justify anything.

I had both of my kids young. It was difficult at the start, both mine were unplanned, but looking back I wouldn't have it any other way and I definitely don't regret having them.

You need to make the right decision for you.

You feel like you’d regret it- so don’t do it.
You’re swaying more to keeping it than aborting it.

No one here has to live your life including me, but you already have a child. You’d make it work again.
You’re not throwing away any youth, if you want kids in the future you’re going to throw away another part of your life at some point. Let me tell you, being older doesn’t make that easier.

Thank you everyone. I am so torn, I know this isn't the right time but I feel like I would regret an abortion.

Why do you think you would regret it?
You could wait a couple more years and your DS will be still be quite close in age to his new sibling.

I don’t understand why people prioritise their social life when young but not do the same when they’re older. Life is for living, whatever age you have a child you have to sacrifice your fun. Whether you’re 21 or 31 you still need time to yourself and it’s still hard to give up.

Do what is best for you at this time.

Oh god the bloody depo shot! Same OP! The doctor was so sure I couldn’t be pregnant because I was on that bloody thing that she didn’t do a test on me. I found out WAAAY too late to do anything except go ahead

This is one of my biggest fears in life! That must have been shocking and quite scary but I admire you for making it work and so glad it's worked out!

OP, as you can see here from different experiences, everyone somehow makes it work,whatever they choose. We are resilient creatures.
Do what feels right for you now.

You have lots of time to carve out the type of life you would like.
Do not feel guilty about putting yourself and your happiness first.

@VodselForDinner

You don’t need to justify your decision, regardless of how “good” or otherwise you think your reasons are.

You’re 21. It’s a new relationship and quite unlikely to stand the test of time, especially if you’re adding a baby to the mix. You may quickly find yourself in a position of being single again, and dealing with not only two children but two fathers and all the additional complexity that brings- CMS, visitation etc. all times two.

This. You are so young op and the chances of you staying with this boy are slim. While 2 kids with different dads is absolutely fine, it’s just unnecessarily setting up a complicated life for yourself. Especially when at some point in the future you’re likely to find someone to settle down with and may want children with them. I believe that the children you already have should come first, your child sounds like he’s doing well with contact with dad and nanny and a mum who’s got over her pnd. I wouldn’t do anything to upset that.

My advise is not to rush any decision, take your time, write everything down if you need to, the pros and cons.

I had my DC young and now I'm focusing on my career and can do all the things I could have done when I was younger now all my friends are having children.

Ultimately, the decision is yours, do what feels right for you and your circumstances.