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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my father's funeral

83 replies

DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:12

My father recently passed away. We have been distracted with dealing with and recognised that we had been ignoring the in-laws a bit so dh rang them to sort a date after things calm down to see them. My mil kicked off at my husband after he explained that the funeral is for immediate family only. Numbers are restricted and I am from a large family, so only my father's children, wife, step children, grand children, great grandchildren, his sils, his nieces are attending. We are meeting his close friends for a quick drink afterwards but still keeping it quiet and low key. Mil feels she has the right to go, she wants to pay her respects. She has only met my father a few times at our childrens' christenings etc. She hasn't seen him in over a decade and has never had said a nice word about him. She told fil I was stopping them because I didn't want them there, and although, I don't want them there, the reason why they are not coming is because of the restricted numbers. Even his close friends of 70 years is not coming due to numbers. Then last night it kicked off again as it's family flowers only. There is going to be one display that is going on the coffin and then being taken to my mothers grave. We have said donations to my father's favourite charity for those that wish to do something in his memory. Is this really that unreasonable? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:45

Thank you. It's easy to start questioning yourself and think we are doing it so wrong.

With regards to flowers, my dsm is wanting it simple, we are not having family cars, just driving ourselves as we would need a whole fleet to fit the immediate family in. So only the hearse is taking my dad and our flowers which cover most of the coffin and no cards on it.
We just want a chance to remember dad quietly and respectfully, the way he would have wanted with those that loved him gathered together supporting each other. Not some big show of attention.
We have planned some other events over the summer, meeting up at different times with people from various parts of his life and having a drink with them and sharing memories with them. More of a happy remembrance than sad.
So hard to keep being told you are mourning 'the wrong way'.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:47

@ImitationofBeing

My mother did this when DH's dad died. His DM only wanted immediate family, no fuss, no cars - we walked to the church, no wake afterwards.

My mother was furious she could not attend. Since this event she has never once asked how DH and his family are. Our communication has decreased and I've not seen her for months. She cannot understand it was not her right to be there. Its upsetting and bloody annoying.

I'm so sorry that your mother has caused you that pain. x
OP posts:
babbi · 04/08/2021 09:48

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that your MIL is being so incredibly thoughtless and selfish.
Of course you’re not at all unreasonable.
Take care

SuperSange · 04/08/2021 09:49

Gosh, your husband needs to deal with her, and firmly. I agree too about the long time friend attending if some of the children are quite young. That would be a real shame.

Original poster
DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:50

@Aprilx

I didn’t realise there was still a restriction of funeral numbers.

I have sadly had four close family funerals in the last decade and I was always comforted that people wanted to attend.

We are still restricted as they have a duty to protect their staff. We also all have to wear masks and no touching the coffin. The numbers are not as restricted as those who lost dear ones during lockdowns, but we are a very large immediate family.
OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:53

@Chamomileteaplease

I hope you don't listen to her nonsense.

I have to say though, it seems sad that great grandchildren who are presumably quite young and not so aware are going in place of "close friends of 70 years". It is sad that these friends can't attend.

I have older siblings so great grandchildren are perhaps not as young as you may think 😂. He was so proud of his great grandchildren that we want them there.
OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingQuackers · 04/08/2021 09:54

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Your MIL is a veritable Grief Thief, isn't she?

Your DH needs to be firm, or it would be entirely understandable if you lost your temper with her.

@Chamomileteaplease who would look after the younger family members of the adults are all at the funeral?

OP can arrange a memorial for old friends as soon as is practicable, if she wants to.

Grief thief - never heard of that but wow! That hits the nail on the head, thank you.
OP posts:
maryberryslayers · 04/08/2021 09:55

At our recent family funeral anyone that didn't attend due to numbers stood outside the church after the service to pay respects to the coffin as it left for the crem. Could you offer something similar to shut her up?

YANBU though, she sounds awful.

Brefugee · 04/08/2021 09:56

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Ask your DH to handle his mother and concentrate on yourself and your immediate family.

As for people sending flowers when asked not to - that's just rude and inconsiderate. It is making someone else deal with them. Don't do it.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/08/2021 09:56

Don’t think I’d be going to do much trouble to see her again if I’m honest.

So sorry about your dad x

harriethoyle · 04/08/2021 09:58

She's a dick and YADNBU Flowers

Lostinthemail · 04/08/2021 09:59

@maryberryslayers

At our recent family funeral anyone that didn't attend due to numbers stood outside the church after the service to pay respects to the coffin as it left for the crem. Could you offer something similar to shut her up?

YANBU though, she sounds awful.

Why would she do? For her father’s friends that can’t attend, sure, but for a MIL that didn’t even know him that well? It wouldn’t cross my mind to be honest.
MindyStClaire · 04/08/2021 10:02

There is a special place in hell reserved for those who criticise families who have to make difficult decisions on numbers for weddings and in particular funerals at the moment.

We were only allowed ten for my dad's funeral and no one said a word, his best friend waited on the street outside the funeral parlour to pay his respects.

Your DH should be telling her to wind her neck in, and protecting you from any drama.

Gatehouse77 · 04/08/2021 10:04

In your situation I'd be telling DH not to pass on any comments from MIL until after the funeral.
We had an uncle who messed us around and trying to assert his dominance as the self appointed patriarch of the family. He didn't get his way but we were all furious that his behaviour was taking up our time and headspace rather than grieving our mother. Unbelievably selfish of him. And you MIL.

OhGiveUp · 04/08/2021 10:07

I'm confused as to why your in law's would be there anyway.
I've never been to a funeral where the deceased person child's in law's have been present.
Only at the wedding of child and christening of grandchildren.
Sorry for your loss.

Notaroadrunner · 04/08/2021 10:08

So hard to keep being told you are mourning 'the wrong way

Well you simply tell her that this is the right way for you and your family. It's not her business how you and you family choose to celebrate the life of your dad. Your dh should be telling her to fuck off at this stage and not relaying any further messages from mil to you.

Saidtoomuch · 04/08/2021 10:11

Sorry you are having to deal with this and your own grief. Flowers I agree that DH needs to be the buffer between you and his mother.
If she really wants to pay her respects she could "line the route"?

ShamelessCurtainTwitcher · 04/08/2021 10:20

I am very sorry for your loss. I have nothing to add other than how touching it is to put your Father’s flowers with your Mother.

YANBU.

Lovelydovey · 04/08/2021 10:21

We were allowed 28 for both my DM and DF funerals earlier this year (officially 30, but the crem only held 28 due to social distancing). We had to make difficult decisions about who attended. Everyone who couldn’t come respected our decisions and many watched the live stream instead. We had to be clear where partners and children were and weren’t invited and a few partners not invited waited outside for those inside. When sharing details with their church and colleagues we had to make clear that they could watch the live stream only - when in normal times many of these would have attended. We also only had one family spray of flowers and asked for charity donations from others instead.

I cannot imagine a more difficult scenario than dealing with entitled people who think they need to be invited. And I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I would let your DH deal with it and I’d be inclined to reduce contact afterwards. DMIL needs to understand that funerals are still not back to normal and there are still restrictions on attendance.

ShowMeHow · 04/08/2021 10:33

The family flowers thing I always find a bit controlling really - let people send flowers if they want - why ever not - take them to your garden after, they are often beautiful.

Doesn’t stop you doing your plan of putting the family flowers on your mums grave.

Attendees well church/crem have rules on social distancing (arranged a funeral last month assume that’s the same just now). Nothing you can do. Our service was viewable outside undercover for any extras! Also online was just a few pounds extra. Jus say to MIL ohhh so disappointed … but rules etc.

StoneofDestiny · 04/08/2021 10:38

What an incredibly insensitive and selfish woman your MIL is. You've told her what is happening and why - you can do no more, beyond reminding her what charity donations are going to in his memory. Sorry for the loss of your loved one.

1FootInTheRave · 04/08/2021 10:41

She is a stupid, self absorbed twat.

starfishmummy · 04/08/2021 10:53

She is being very insensitive. However this is where your DH needs to step up to deal with her shenanigans.

He also needs to consider what to do if she just turns up

8misskitty8 · 04/08/2021 10:53

Your DH needs to deal with her, you are grieving and shouldn’t be having to cope with this crap as well.
She is a bitch and I suspect this is not the first time she has tried to make everything about her.

Long before covid it was normal to just have family flowers and people could donate to a charity close to the deceased. So not quite sure why she is making that a big issue.

mam0918 · 04/08/2021 10:57

Im baffled by this. Why would your in laws (your husbands family?) go to YOUR fathers funeral?

They arent friends and are zero relation to your father, they have no rhyme or reason to go.