In-laws and my father's funeral

[DuckingQuackers]

My father recently passed away. We have been distracted with dealing with and recognised that we had been ignoring the in-laws a bit so dh rang them to sort a date after things calm down to see them. My mil kicked off at my husband after he explained that the funeral is for immediate family only. Numbers are restricted and I am from a large family, so only my father's children, wife, step children, grand children, great grandchildren, his sils, his nieces are attending. We are meeting his close friends for a quick drink afterwards but still keeping it quiet and low key. Mil feels she has the right to go, she wants to pay her respects. She has only met my father a few times at our childrens' christenings etc. She hasn't seen him in over a decade and has never had said a nice word about him. She told fil I was stopping them because I didn't want them there, and although, I don't want them there, the reason why they are not coming is because of the restricted numbers. Even his close friends of 70 years is not coming due to numbers. Then last night it kicked off again as it's family flowers only. There is going to be one display that is going on the coffin and then being taken to my mothers grave. We have said donations to my father's favourite charity for those that wish to do something in his memory. Is this really that unreasonable? AIBU?

[Brillig]

You are in the right, OP. Hold fast to that and never doubt yourself.

You are saying goodbye to your beloved dad. What you say, goes.

It's as simple as that.

MIL is an annoying gnat in the great scheme of things. Brush her off and move on, you have more important things to do than have to pander to her attention-seeking antics. I speak as someone who had an in-law pull various narcissistic stunts at my own parent's funeral.

[Cherrysoup]

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s incredibly hard to lose a parent.

Your dh needs to be the only one that communicates with her and he needs to shut her down. I can’t believe she’s impinging on your grief like this.

[nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome]

I'm sorry for your loss. Do not feed her drama.

Continue with the funeral as planned and leave your husband to deal with his Mother. This says more about her than you, alter your relationship accordingly.

[RuggerHug]

She's being a selfish dick and your DH needs to say this. Or that her actions will affect who will go to mourn her. I have no time for people who act like this about funerals when people are grieving and have enough to deal with. Also, for pp that were wondering what the problem with family flowers only is, it is sometimes at the request of the deceased. I'd a close relative plan her own funeral when it became inevitable. She said no flowers or just something small from her DCs. She said she'd rather people put their money to the groups researching her disease and cures for it.

So sorry for your loss OP.

[datepanic]

Sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing a father.

She hasn't seen him in over a decade so why on earth does she think she is entitled to be there?
You can plan the funeral in whatever way you see fit. Everything is different in COVID times and even if numbers are not restricted by the government, people still need to be aware of the risks of large gatherings and also requirements of particular venues regarding social distancing.
My parents both died pre-COVID, I put announcements in the newspapers - everyone and anyone was invited to the church, "private afterwards". In circumstances like that then your MIL could have come along but these aren't normal circumstances.

As for the flowers thing - loads of people have "Family flowers only - donations in lieu to...." I had that for my parents too - a lot of money was raised for the charities. Flowers cost a fortune and are dead in a few days. I really don't know why she is kicking off about the flowers - it's pretty standard.

Ignore and let your DH deal with her.

[HyacynthBucket]

So sorry for your loss, OP. And that is the point - it is YOUR loss, not your selfish MIL's, who as others have said is making it all about her and how she chooses to show herself when "grieving". Sounds like it is for show. She did not even have a relationship with your DF, and should butt right out. Your DH needs to take this on, so that you can concentrate on your own feelings of grief. Can you trust him not to weaken and concede anything to his DM? If not absolutely certain on that, I would tell her myself in a short and controlled angry outburst (you are allowed, you are bereaved), that she does not have anything to do with your family's plans and needs to respect the family's wishes. Tell her you do not wish to discuss it further, as you are already feeling too upset.
Hope it goes well for your and your family OP

[datepanic]

She said no flowers or just something small from her DCs. She said she'd rather people put their money to the groups researching her disease and cures for it

Absolutely. That's what my Mam said - we had donations for Macmillan as they had been absolutely wonderful in her last months.

Can't believe someone up thread thinks it's "controlling". Sick of "controlling" getting bandied about for everything when someone else doesn't agree with whatever it is.

[NoSquirrels]

My MIL came to my mother’s funeral during lockdown. In normal circumstances my SIL and DNs would likely have come too. Because my mum was important to them, and had been kind to my extended family on my DH’s side - that’s who she was. Also because my MIL wanted to support her grandchildren at the funeral of their other grandmother, to ease the burden on my DH supporting both me and our young children. In normal circumstances the funeral would have been much, much larger - my mum was not old and a lot of people wanted to offer us their condolences.

But my MIL completely accepted that it was A) my dad’s decision B) not her right C) unlikely due to restrictions. As it happened, as she is local and others were not, and no hospitality was really able to be offered, it made more sense for her to be there than some other, perhaps closer, friends or family. But we always knew if she couldn’t come she wouldn’t have resented it.

Your MIL sounds bloody awful. I hope your DH tears a strip off her.

[ChnandlerBong]

don't know if it's agenerational thing?

when DM died we asked PIL to look after the kids (then aged 6 and 8) while we were at the funeral as we felt they were too young to attend.

PIL said they'd have to think about it as they wanted to come to the funeral themselves (having met DM about 10 times total)... was not helpful at such a stressful time when we genuinely needed their help

[2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl]

YANBU at all. Your husband needs to have a few short sharp words with his ridiculous mother and you shouldn’t be bothered with her nonsense. Some people are so fucking weird with death, even with people they aren’t close to, they behave so unreasonably.

I have a hunch that your MIL is a dickhead in general. Unfortunately your father’s death is just another opportunity to misbehave. Sorry for your loss.

[Quickchangeartiste]

Sorry for your loss OP, it’s lovely to hear that he has a large and loving family 💐

[Dobbyisahouseelf]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your DH needs to firmly tell your MIL to behave, the funeral is not about her. Try not to give your MIL any head space at such a difficult time.

[Raindancer411]

What has your DH said about his Mum's behaviour?

[Naunet]

@ShowMeHow

The family flowers thing I always find a bit controlling really - let people send flowers if they want - why ever not - take them to your garden after, they are often beautiful.

Doesn’t stop you doing your plan of putting the family flowers on your mums grave.

Attendees well church/crem have rules on social distancing (arranged a funeral last month assume that’s the same just now). Nothing you can do. Our service was viewable outside undercover for any extras! Also online was just a few pounds extra. Jus say to MIL ohhh so disappointed … but rules etc.

My Nan didn’t want flowers at her funeral, so we respected that. She wanted people to donate to charity instead. It was her funeral, her wishes that needed respecting, not other people who thought they knew better.

[Daleksatemyshed]

Op please don't let your MIL upset you, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, only the way that suits you and your family best. MIL wants to make a show with flowers but it's not her place to over ride your families wishes, get DH to tell her charity donation or nothing.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope the funeral will be just as want it to be

[BrilliantBetty]

I'd probably never speak to her again if this was me. You have just lost your DF and are mourning this huge loss. And have enough on your plate with the funeral and grief and she is making issues and causing stress for you all - so unnecessary and so unkind.

[Monestera]

I'm confused as to why your in law's would be there anyway.

This used to be very common and expected good manners.

[Monestera]

I would be quite upset if my DP was passing this drama on to me, I’d expect him to be quietly and firmly dealing with it.

[saraclara]

Have you pointed out that if every member of your large family also brought their in-laws, it would be a ridiculously large number? Is she so self centred that she thinks she's the only MIL that matters?

[Sssloou]

I am so sorry that you have lost your lovely Dad.

It sounds like you have a large, engaged, close, warm family.

Turn your back and close your ears to MIL so that you can embrace the love and grief in your family at this time.

No one ever has to justify, defend or explain decisions they take in at difficult times to such entitled randomers.

Instruct your DH to deal with her v firmly and directly and not to pass any info on to you.

I suspect that your DH and FIL have spent their lives tip-toeing around this ridiculous character and accommodating her ludicrous behaviour. Be very firm with your DH. Don’t get embroiled or upset by her shenanigans at this v emotionally vulnerable time for you.

[Duchess379]

How selfish of your mil to make this about her when you're grieving for the loss of your dad. I'd tell her to fuck off & grow up tbh...

[Clovacloud]

YANBU! I am so sorry for your loss. My MIL was buried in April, my parents had maybe met her a handful of times despite DH and I being married for 20 years.

The funeral was limited to 30 people, and only close family and friends attended. So my parents sent flowers and a card. Why would they go to a funeral of someone they barely knew?

[DuckingQuackers]

@Raindancer411

What has your DH said about his Mum's behaviour?

Not much. He was livid with her. Ranted when he came off the phone to her the first time.

[Sssloou]

Not much. He was livid with her. Ranted when he came off the phone to her the first time.

Was he really blunt, firm and direct with her?

Or did he hold back his anger and rant afterwards in your presence?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'm so sorry that the loss of your father is being compounded by your MIL trying to make it "all about her". What an awful thing for anyone to do.

I'm glad your DH has your back though - and I hope he's been absolutely clear that this is NOT the time for her to be putting herself forward, and that no one gives a shiny shit how she feels about attending the funeral, because she is NOT your father's family and she should keep her nose out.