Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I was immediately thinking of the safeguarding issue. There are young children in the house and this man is a stranger so for that alone..NO

[Tiana4]

@Lostinthemail

No is a perfect answer, even when you do get along by the way.

But begrudging your SD en her DP a meal when they come to visit, meh. I think it’s quite normal for a parent to want to pay for his children in these circumstances and for children to let them. And to not help out when you visit. Why should he? You two have young kids yourself, so it’s not as if you’re eighty and need the help. She’s your husband’s kid and he wants a relationship with her, holding on to all these little grudges surely won’t help.

He's a 35 year old man!!
OP has young DCs to spend their money on. He sponges off of OP & DH anytime he can. I always offer to pay when my parents took me out for a meal as an adult aged 21 onward after uni (loved that they paid for me before!) I pick a cheap option anyway. I take my parents out for meals too and arrive with food. I'm not entitled
Alth pp above didnt allude to this
SDs OH wants free Accomodation, being waited on and free meals cooked. He's not even nice to them or helped them out which families do. He's a taker, it sounds like SD is too.

OP has every right to not want another adult moving into their house, a grown man they don't even like!, when it's her home full already of DCs. I would also say No. I've had lovely friends stay with me and that's a strain even though we get on well. So, no way would I agree at all I n this circumstance at all and I would set SD straight that she doesn't get to be abusive in response to my no. Her OH has other options he can pay for a room in rooms to let or get air b&b, b&b or stay in bosses arranged Accomodation. He had his own flat too. This is such an entitled demand from SD.

[Ideasplease322]

@Jumpingintosummer

After describing your home as high octane I lost a bit of respect for you

Why?

It’s a saying that means high energy or powerful.

Mumsnet is so intolerant of things outside their normal experiences.

Where I live it’s a term used quite regularly.

It’s just a word,

[TedImgoingmad]

It's the evolution of the cocklodger in our post modern world: he is trying to identify as your own, adolescent child that you need to look after, house, feed and coddle, and ultimately, feel the guilt of a mother rejecting their child by refusal.

Either that, or he's a cheap skate cheeky fucker who needs to be told to piss off - and grow up - in no uncertain terms.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

Again - 35!!!!!!

[mumwon]

No - one word succinct - not convenient

[rainbowstardrops]

No offence to you OP but why on earth does he want to lodge in a house with young children when his work are providing him with perfectly adequate lodgings???
The answer would already be a no from me but SD becoming abusive would have sealed the deal for sure.

[Tirediam]

Nope!

[Patapouf]

I wouldn't want some random 35 year old man moving into my house when I've got young kids there. All of the downsides of a lodger with the addition of a rude and entitled SDD. Sod that.

[Howshouldibehave]

No offence to you OP but why on earth does he want to lodge in a house with young children when his work are providing him with perfectly adequate lodgings???

This.

How was the SD being abusive and insulting towards you? Deal with that or get your DH to, it’s clearly unacceptable.

[GabriellaMontez]

No! I can't believe he'd want to.

[MarshmallowSwede]

I would say no. And say no again.. this is such an intrusion on you and your family. Plus I don’t understand why if he already has an apartment to stay in.

[Vanilla1Cookies]

Absolutely not and I’d be calling her out on her shit behaviour. She’s an adult now.

[nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome]

Say no, there's not enough room.

[Vanilla1Cookies]

I’d also be saying no as you have young kids in the house and he’s a 35 year old stranger

[Pissinthepottyplease]

@HelloDulling

Her reaction/behaviour has made this so easy for you.

Very true

[yellowsubmarines]

I would not want a 35 year old man that didn't even like me living in my home especially when you say your husband is away a lot and there are young children at home. Would you be expected to give him a key so he can come and go when he wishes? That thought alone would make me uncomfortable. Just say no. The SD won't like it but sounds like she doesn't like you anyways OP so nothing you do will change that.

If the boyfriend works away 5 days a week perhaps they should be considering a move? Is the boss paying for the house share or is the boss giving the boyfriend money to pay for the house share? Maybe the boyfriend thinks he can keep the house share money as well as all the money he's expected to contribute at the house share and live with you for free?

[goldenlilliesdaffodillies]

Why would a 35 year old man choose to move into a house with young children? That strikes me as very odd and a safe guarding issue. I would say 'No'. Surely at their ages SD and boyfriend would be living together by themselves.

[NewlyGranny]

"No," is a complete sentence. Repeat as often as required. You don't owe DSD any justification or explanation.

[HazelBite]

OP my 40 year old DS (and dog!) moved into our family home this week he is in between houses and the purchase of his new flat is going to complete shortly.
Its not easy, even though he is my DS and we all get on fine and he is very respectful of the others living here, having a person who is basically a stranger would be more than difficult.
Also DS is insisting on making quite a decent financial contriibution whilst he is here!

[Maggiesfarm]

Jumpingintosummer

After describing your home as high octane I lost a bit of respect for you hmm
......
Why for goodness sake? It's just a description.

It seems a strange thing over which to lose respect for somebody.

[HollowTalk]

It's clear the OP just means there's a lot going on in her house - lively children, no doubt. Why on earth would she want a hostile step-daughter's entitled 35 year old boyfriend to live with her?

[meadowbleu]

It's really not hard to understand the OP describing a busy household. It is hard to understand what the justifiable reasoning would be for him wanting to move in with them.

Say no, don't make any excuse or give any reason. There's no emergency. It doesn't suit, simple as.

Also OP speak to your DH about finding it harder to offend his adult DD than to upset you.

[Glittertwins]

My idea of hell would be moving into a house with young children, I really can't see why a 35 yr old man would want to do this.
There must be something else going on which OP isn't a party to but regardless, no way would he be moving in. At 27 and employed, SD can stand on her own two feet and move in with him - they can pay their own rent

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way

I'm afraid that would kill it for me - and I'd be disinclined to have agreed in the first place

What's your DH's attitude to the request? And more to the point what's his attitude to her behaviour? Because if he doesn't step up then (as we say on here) you've got a major DH problem rather than a SD one