Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[JonahofArk]

All of the posts suggesting he can pay rent are ridiculous. The OP has young children-what about safeguarding? I would not allow a strange man to move into my home where I have young children no matter how much rent he offered me. Get a grip.

[PaulaTrilloe]

My thoughts were that he wants to sublet his houseshare ,(the one paid by the employer,,). Also what type of job does he have where the employer provides free or subsidised housing?

Maybe his job is at risk so he would lose the tied accommodation?

[pilates]

No
And strange he even wants to, no offence to you op.

[Maggiesfarm]

I don't blame you op but I can't see what is wrong with the guy living in a shared house supplied by his firm. Many would be delighted with that.

You can't have people living in your house whom you hardly know, especially when you have young children. If you were going to do that you'd advertise for a lodger.

[1Endeavour2]

Don't know why you're even thinking about it. Stop beating yourself up. Say no!

[CallMeNutribullet]

Why are people picking at high octane? Can they genuinely not work out what op means or are they being totally disingenuous?

I've never heard it used that way but it clearly just means busy.

[Woodmarsh]

What's a high octane house?

[MzHz]

How is Sd being abusive? What’s she saying and why don’t you just shut that down?

[MzHz]

@Woodmarsh

What's a high octane house?

I’d suggest it’s all go and a bit hectic

I only have ds and between swimming, rugby etc I was setting alarms 7 days a week. Factor in more kids of primary ages and working long hours it’s a lot to cover

I knew exactly what she meant.

[Killahangilion]

Whaaaat?
Don’t entertain this ridiculous idea for a nanosecond.

He’s a grown man of 35, hardly a young teen kid in need of support.

Tinkly laugh and ‘no dear’ should suffice.

[Fruityb]

High octane = busy. I don’t see how that’s so hard.

And just say no.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Not a chance in hell

[JustATypo]

Not in a million years would I say yes to this. He’s a grown adult of 35, who is not very nice to you, wanting to freeload and probably create a lot more work for you in the house, and bring tension and conflicts. No no no and no.

[RampantIvy]

Can they genuinely not work out what op means or are they being totally disingenuous?

Not disingenuous at all. I have no idea what it means. It isn't an expression I have come across in this context.

High octane petrol, yes.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

Say he would need to pay rent and board, and name the amount. First week in advance, paid weekly after that. Also he'll need to do his share of housework. They will magically decide the house share is better after all.

[Maskless]

I don't know why you are posting this on here.

It's 100% clear that you don't want him to move in.

You don't need our approval, or his, or you SD's!

[Purpletomato]

Say no. Definitely. You will regret it for months if you cave in.

[Tistheseason17]

Just no, this is not possible. Take your tantrum outside, SD.

[sunshinesupermum]

No. Full stop. Just because he doesn't want to house share during the week. Sorry about your SD's behaviour.

[Cherrysoup]

Good god, no! He wants including in family meals? So he’ll be cooking, will he? And paying rent/food bills? Hell, no!

Your sd sounds extremely immature, becoming abusive when not getting your own way is counterintuitive. Does she not have the emotional intelligence to understand that?

[HeidiHoNeighbour]

Mid to late 30s and still wants others to provide him food and shelter?

—is he a red headed royal?—

[Lweji]

From the title I thought he wanted to move in with SD who lived at your house.
My gut feeling then was a no.
In the situation you described it's a no brainer.
As she is getting insulting and abusive towards you, then block her, even if temporarily to get you some breathing space.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I didn't know what high-octane meant in the context of a house but some of the posters on this thread are being such knobs about it.

Back to OP - no, he mustn't move in. Step daughter can move in with him, somewhere else.

[Brefugee]

is he a red headed royal?

Yawwen. As if the rest of them aren't bigger parasites.

OP. Keep saying no. If your DH countermands you - give him a choice of who he wants living there - you or SD's BF

[TheGenealogist]

YANBU to not want someone you don't know well living in your house.

As for "high-octane"