Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[bringincrazyback]

Surely this is a no-brainer? Just no.

[1forAll74]

No, I would definitely not wan't this man in your home, and to have this kind of scenario playing out, as in a SD, and a man who sounds highly bad mannered,and extremely annoying and unpleasant..

[TheOrigRights]

I have never heard the term high-octane in reference to a household.
Does it really just mean busy? I thought high-octane meant powerful, energetic, exciting and intense.

[PrincessNutella]

Why can't he just go home, if he only lives an hour away? Lazy sod.

[KupoNutCoffee]

No.

If I've got this right, your step daughter and her partner have place. They rarely make contact with you, or your partner from the sound of it, and make little effort to form a 'family' relationship. Obviously her relationship with you both has an impact but it doesn't sound like this man has made much of an effort to be part of the family.

Now he decides despite not being interested in you all socially before now, he wants to live with you for an extended period each week.

What is he gaining...is he paying a token rent or does he get an allowance for accommodation? Or has he fallen out with the others in the boss-arranged place. They've probably decided you're free lodgings, either from a rental or he'll save money on food.

It certainly doesn't sound like it's for want of your company. He either wants a free room, the extra allowance monies (that he won't pass on) so you're subsidising him, or wants to be treated like a guest. He'd expect to be left alone but served.

Advising even a token payment for utilities, and making it clear you won't be cooking/washing and that pretty much removes any financial gain. If they kick off, then well you've found why they wanted to use you.

[Antwerpen]

Not in a million years OP

[saraclara]

I'm bemused at all the about high octane. It's a perfectly normal way to describe a busy and somewhat frantic household. There's nothing boastful or snobby about it. It signifies energy, that's all.

I've heard it used that way all my life, so I'm stunned that so many posters a) have never heard it before as b) have chosen to interpret it negatively.

For the record my household was always pretty low octane, as we were all rather peaceful introverts. Butt I don't see the opposite as negative at all.

[SunshineCake]

Why on Earth would someone who clearly doesn't respect you want to stay with you ? Oh yes, because it's free!!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I think I know what it is, saraclara... the objections are from posters who are either not 'high-octane' and would like to be - or they consider themselves 'high-octane' indeed - and don't want anybody else to be able to think they are. I think that's the case with most objections to surprisingly nondescript terms, flashpoint incendiary if used by somebody else.

I'm in a low-octane houseshold too... I like it that way. Peaceful. Apart from snoring husband when I'm trying to work.

[RampantIvy]

@saraclara

I'm bemused at all the about high octane. It's a perfectly normal way to describe a busy and somewhat frantic household. There's nothing boastful or snobby about it. It signifies energy, that's all.

I've heard it used that way all my life, so I'm stunned that so many posters a) have never heard it before as b) have chosen to interpret it negatively.

For the record my household was always pretty low octane, as we were all rather peaceful introverts. Butt I don't see the opposite as negative at all.

Clearly most people aren't pretentious enough to describe their households as "high octane"

[RadandMad]

Do not agree to this. I've got someone in my life like this, and there is no way on god's earth I'd comply with this request, because I'm not an effing doormat to be used by entitled narcissists like you SD.

[Cadent]

@RampantIvy

Clearly most people aren't pretentious enough to describe their households as "high octane" grin

You hadn't even heard of the term until today?!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

It's a bit of a change from 'chaotic', although that never seems to be anything that people boast about.

[RampantIvy]

[quote Cadent]@RampantIvy

Clearly most people aren't pretentious enough to describe their households as "high octane" grin

You hadn't even heard of the term until today?! [/quote]
Not as a household, no. For petrol, and a job, yes. People I know don't talk like that round here.

Or maybe none of my friends live in a "high octane" household. They are either busy, loud or quiet.

[ByWayOf]

Hmm, do I want to allow a middle aged man I barely know, but don't think much of, to sleep in my house 4 nights a week with my young children?

Give me a nanosecond to think about that one and get back to you!

[tara66]

'' No'' from me too! Where will it end? Will he still be living off you when he's 40 or 50? Tell them both to grow up.

[RampantIvy]

Why can't the SD move out and go and live with him?

[Cadent]

Not as a household, no. For petrol, and a job, yes. People I know don't talk like that round here.

That's no reason to be so judgemental and call them pretentious.

[RampantIvy]

[TheOrigRights]

@saraclara

I'm bemused at all the about high octane. It's a perfectly normal way to describe a busy and somewhat frantic household. There's nothing boastful or snobby about it. It signifies energy, that's all.

I've heard it used that way all my life, so I'm stunned that so many posters a) have never heard it before as b) have chosen to interpret it negatively.

For the record my household was always pretty low octane, as we were all rather peaceful introverts. Butt I don't see the opposite as negative at all.

I wonder if it's a regional thing?
I honestly have never heard it.

[Jaguar77]

I thought " high octane" meant volatile

[Cadent]

@RampantIvy

Wow, what a high octane smile!

[movpov]

You don't really need a reason to say no, and it sounds very much like they see you as free board and lodgings as some PP have said. There is obviously a back story here, but the abusive and insulting behaviour would be the deal breaker for me, and I'd be not only withdrawing the offer of the odd night, but also telling her she is not welcome either and going NC. Why is your DH allowing a grown woman to behave like this towards you?

[Bollindger]

Just keep saying NO.
Tell DH if he even tries letting that man stay for one night, they will both be kicked out.

[Datsandcogs]

So you don’t have a close relationship with her, even less so with her partner . . . HELL NO, please stand your ground and don’t let this happen.