Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[GiftOfGob]

MaggiesFarm, thank yousaved me a post lol

[Pemba]

I don't know the whole backstory of course (since you didn't write it out - were there previous threads?). Sounds like your SD's ex has been difficult.

You do however come across as very sneering at your SD and her lack of career success etc. I just think it's all quite sad really.

[LaraDecouvrie]

A bit late to the party, but Yanbu to say “no”! It would be a disaster for all!

Not sure why “high octane” is upsetting so many people. It’s not a phrase I would use as such, but not difficult to work out what it means.

But, if I were you, I’d take a step back and let DH manage the relationship with his own DD. You texting from his phone and getting involved years ago does not paint you in a good light!

[GiftOfGob]

MzHz,

Again you nail it!

Emotional terrorist is a good descriptive. Then you have a similar shared experience by sounds of it.

I was not young when I met OH and had had other relationships, most of which had ended amicably. Steering clear of toxic relationships, romantically or otherwise. Unwittingly I had entered a whole new ball game. You are right, you cannot reason or rationalise with these people. They thrive on chaos and disharmony and simply cannot live peacefully.

OH is taking some time out of the relationship as he has over the years. He cannot win:(

[GiftOfGob]

Pemba,

I am not sneering at all (seems you are), just stating a fact that at 27, SD does not consider it her responsibility to make her own way in this life. She expects her Father who she has always kept at arm's length, to foot the bill for it all. This is the latest in a long line of financial requests. Her partner has a good job, more income and perks than most families I know live off...this is not about money though Pemba, it is about punishment and control.

When you've found the back story, please share how you would've dealt with this impossible situation rather than stereotyping me as the archetypal step mother!

[GiftOfGob]

Lara Decouvrie,

I learnt my lesson in step parenting that my intervention would never work, it has to come from OH who comes from a nice family where everyone is kind to each other. Even though he is a fully grown man, nothing prepared him for this.

Please understand however it is very testing to stand back when your OH is at the receiving end of criticism, demands, abuse and swearing in your own home, when you are someone who doesn't suffer fools or bullies!!!

[LaraDecouvrie]

I imagine it is!!! But it’s adding fuel to the fire. And definately makes things worse.

I think your DH needs to learn to stand up to the women in his life!!!

[MzHz]

@GiftOfGob

Lara Decouvrie,

I learnt my lesson in step parenting that my intervention would never work, it has to come from OH who comes from a nice family where everyone is kind to each other. Even though he is a fully grown man, nothing prepared him for this.

Please understand however it is very testing to stand back when your OH is at the receiving end of criticism, demands, abuse and swearing in your own home, when you are someone who doesn't suffer fools or bullies!!!

I taught mine to disengage, to ignore all bad/drama completely, no response

Only reply/respond to good

Classic toddler handling

But we were dealing with a teen, not some woman knocking on the door of 30!

Your h is doing the right thing

[Dollyparton3]

@GiftOfGob and @MzHz I know exactly what you're talking about. We have one too. DH's ex spent years poisoning the children against my DH and he was only ever any use to her as a walking cash point. The children were even critical of his right to spend money on his own time when I met him nearly 10 years ago.

DSD has now become the most dilusional narcisisst young adult that it's ever been my misfortune to meet and she holds everyone to ransom in order to be part of her life.

These people are real unfortunately and I sympathise. And it's not even as if you're working with a stepchild any more, they're just a full blown adult bully and emotional terrorist. We discovered that last year when adult DSD went all out to send viral online terror to our home over something that we'd quite reasonably requested.

Stand your ground OP, then both step back and try to move on. It's horrible for you but even more awful for your DP. I know my DP was heartbroken when DSD showed her true fully blown colours to us. The worst part is the silence inbetween little glimmers of contact and then the "Ok, yep that again" feeling when you see it for what it is.

[MzHz]

Standing up to narcs gives them fuel

Gives them the weapons to throw back. “Look at this, how terrible is my dad/ex that he said/texted this…”

Only way to win the game against people like this is not to play the game.

Grey rock all the way, till they realise that you’re not going to feed them

[GiftOfGob]

DoubleTweenQueen,

Just wanted to rewind a bit and thank you for your input from a SD point of view. I too was a SD once upon a time, albeit at a much younger age. After the typical 'he's/she's not my parent, they can't tell me what to do' phase (which incidentally was deftly nipped in the bud), I grew to love and respect both of my step parents, seeing our relationship as another dimension to my life. I still call my Mum's ex-partner every year on his birthday. To this day, I remain grateful to him for the love, kindness and generosity he brought to my Mum and our family♥️

Life really is too short. I lost my own Father at 25. Thankfully our relationship was straightforward. That doesn't mean it was completely without its differences, however they were few and far between, no regrets. My brother and Father were chalk and cheese and sadly did not have much of a relationship to speak of. When my Father was taken ill, he was there by his side and they got to make their peace, however his regrets have never left him.

[GiftOfGob]

MzHz,

Thanks for the tips.

Over the years, OH has had to stand back for his own sanity so no stranger to this uncomfortable situation.

Even though SD is practising double standards as shown in her response about me going to stay with them, and her demeanour far from the conciliatory you might expect from someone asking a favour, today she continues to shame him and call him out. Neither accepting his decision nor letting go.

He is not feeding it and ignoring. As you say ignore attention seeking and bad behaviour, reward good behaviour, as you would a toddler.

[GiftOfGob]

DollyParton3,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have both had to go through this. Unless you have been through this yourself, it is difficult to both explain and understand.

Assumptions are often made, usually that some cheating was at play or the parent hasn't parented or absent out of choice because they have gone on to have children with someone else, that the parent or their spouse is somehow to blame for the situation.

Very rarely do people understand these behaviours are fuelled and modelled by the ex then adopted by the child.

[Dollyparton3]

@GiftOfGob

DollyParton3,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have both had to go through this. Unless you have been through this yourself, it is difficult to both explain and understand.

Assumptions are often made, usually that some cheating was at play or the parent hasn't parented or absent out of choice because they have gone on to have children with someone else, that the parent or their spouse is somehow to blame for the situation.

Very rarely do people understand these behaviours are fuelled and modelled by the ex then adopted by the child.

I know right? The irony is that whenever DH tried to discipline SD she always withheld contact from him and exw sat back and enjoyed it. So she's been taught to manipulate in order to get what she wants.

Ironically we also have a MIL who is on the Narc spectrum and she's always undermined DH's parenting. So he really can't win. Eveyr narc has an enabler right? in this case there's an enabling triangle and they're all now left with it. It's so sad because we're from a very different "type", and as DSD is at an age now where the world really should be her oyster I can see her behaviour evolving the way your DSD's has. We can't influence that now but we will be ready for the future events that you've described.

DSD has told me in the past that she expects to own a 4 bedroom detatched home as her first house yet she has no career plan at 20. she screamed at DH when he part exchanged his car a few years back because "You should be giving that to me". (we'd already bought her a car but his was £10k more). I keep joking to DH that as soon as he becomes a grandad we'll really feel it. I joke but it's not funny.

I say we're a different type because DH and I have worked our socks off since we both left school at 18, we're fortunate in our circumstances and we value everything that we have. We'd hope that some of this would rub off on DSD but having not spoken to her for 6 months now she's been left with her mother as life coach and career advisor. The life advice she could give would be find a man, surprise him with a pregnancy 3 months into your relationship and jobs a goodun . If he leaves make him pay forever. And while he's paying keep telling the kids that they can't have nice things because "daddy doesnt give us enough money". Work 3 days a week until your kids hit 18 and keep going with that narrative.

[123becauseicouldntthinkofone]

No points missed that i can see, it is definately a no no. Stand your ground! Good luck x