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AIBU?

Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

240 replies

GiftOfGob · 04/08/2021 08:37

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

OP posts:

Report

MiaowMiaow99 · 04/08/2021 09:59

It really makes no difference re the posters trying to understand the "riddled with guilt" comment.

The request is unreasonable, and in no way shape or form, how the OPs relationship started would change that!

Chewbecca · 04/08/2021 09:59

I don't get why he would want to stay at your high octane house when he has two accomodations already and you are an hour from his workplace?

I am a SM and do always have to ask myself if I would feel differently or make a different decision if it were my DS instead of my DSS. And I would also add that children are always children to some extent, we always pay for meals and drinks with grown up (30s) children still.

What does your DH think?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/08/2021 10:03

What on earth is a high octane house? Are you trying to say it's busy in your house?!

As for SD's partner, that would be a firm no from me. I can't see any benefit to him apart from financial

Armychefbethebest · 04/08/2021 10:04

Just googled high octane apparently it means high energy and / or intense and exciting.

AngelDelightUk · 04/08/2021 10:11

Say he can if he pays rent. After all, if his boss is paying for a house share that money should come to you if he isn’t using it.

That will soon make them change their minds

What’s a high octane house btw?!

Clymene · 04/08/2021 10:12

There's no way I would agree to this. If he doesn't like living in the house share, he can rent a bedsit.

Also there is no way I'd move an adult man I barely know into a house with young children.

RedToothBrush · 04/08/2021 10:13

He's a 35 year old man.

Think about why he wants to live with his girlfriend's parents. People who he has only met a couple of times.

None of the answers to this question are particularly good.

Inaseagull · 04/08/2021 10:14

I wonder if SD wants him with you so he can't get up to any shenanigans in the shared flat. The only reason he would want to do this is to save money and have all the home comforts without lifting a finger. Time (long overdue) for your DH to stand up to her.

pelosi · 04/08/2021 10:15

@AngelDelightUk

Say he can if he pays rent. After all, if his boss is paying for a house share that money should come to you if he isn’t using it.

That will soon make them change their minds

What’s a high octane house btw?!

Don't say this! He may take you up on it.

HollowTalk · 04/08/2021 10:18

You'd have to be insane to let this happen!

RedToothBrush · 04/08/2021 10:19

@M4J4

Think he's scared of her

No, he'd rather upset you than upset her.

Be firm, put your foot down, he does not move in and NO ONE abusive to you, including his vile daughter, should be allowed in your home.

This.

He thinks you are the soft touch. He would rather treat you as a doormat than stand up to his daughters lack of adulting.

Point it out. He won't like it. But ask him why a 35 year old man should stay in your house when he has a house he can live in when you have other kids this will disrupt.

If he doesn't get on with his house share thats not your problem. What happens if you don't get on with him as a houseshare.

He isn't a family member. And he's not stepped up to be part of the family when asked.

The fact your OH has stayed with them isn't relevant.

MrsMaizel · 04/08/2021 10:20

Just NO

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 04/08/2021 10:20

Barely got to the end of your first paragraph op and every fibre of my being was screaming NO!!!
So pleased l am more assertive in this type of situation nowadays. My dh's stepdaughter wanted to move in when my baby was 3 weeks old and l said if that happened l would be moving straight out and into my mum's. Few years later, my dh's son did move in and it was an absolute nightmare. He was lazy and entitled and brought nothing to the table.
Don't care if l am seen as the bad guy it is worth it to have the home we pay for and look after to ourselves.

SoapboxFox · 04/08/2021 10:21

I'm guessing a 'high octane house' is a stealth boast meant to imply wealthy/semi-famous/busy-busy-busy.

pinkyredrose · 04/08/2021 10:22

This is the strangest idea, why the fuck would he want to stay with you?! Say no obviously! Why would you want this ignorant twat around plus he already has a place.

Has she said why she wants him to stay?

TwinsandTrifle · 04/08/2021 10:22

So he's already got a place equally close to his work, provided by his work, which is a house share. And yet he needs to move in with you? It's not for the convenience, as your house is no closer. It's to be a CF and have meals made for him and a rosier ride.

He's 35. He only works an hour away from him own house?! Loads of people have an hour's commute. The fact that he needs an extra house instead of getting up in time for the commute is bizarre.

Jumpingintosummer · 04/08/2021 10:25

After describing your home as high octane I lost a bit of respect for you

Notaroadrunner · 04/08/2021 10:29

You are right to say no. I assume SD doesn't live with you if she and bf have a shared flat - if so at least you don't have to put up with seeing her every day.

Your oh sounds like a absolute wimp. Does he actually want this other man moving in? Maybe you could start making noises about how good looking the other guy is/how he smells divine/ how, now that you think about it, you wouldn't mind seeing him parade around the house half naked after a shower... I daresay your oh would be quick to say a straight out No then

Cadent · 04/08/2021 10:30

@Jumpingintosummer

After describing your home as high octane I lost a bit of respect for you

Oh go away

Ideasplease322 · 04/08/2021 10:32

There must be more to this story.

A grown man wants to move In with a family he barely knows? A family that includes young children?

It seems highly unusual.

HoppingPavlova · 04/08/2021 10:32

He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Sorry, may have already been addressed (long day and 3 pages is beyond me at this point). Why is your house preferable to share house? He is already accommodated so what does it matter. Is it that he thinks you will wait on him but he has to pull his own weight in sharehouse? He seems a CF!

KangarooSally · 04/08/2021 10:32

He can pay rent and have a list of jobs to do. Meanwhile the daughter should be paying rent too.

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DancesWithTortoises · 04/08/2021 10:33

He wants servants. Just say no, CFs both of them.

Fiddliestofsticks · 04/08/2021 10:34

Why is he riddled with guilt from meeting you? Did you cheat together?

If so, then well... I would never warm to you either and I would never forgive him.

That is a separate issue though. This guy is a stranger to all of you, and certainly a stranger to your children. He cannot live with you, particularly because he will expect to he fed from your family budget and not pay towards any bills. He sounds like a totally jackass.

I wouldn't have just said no though. I would have explained all of that, the way you said it here, about how he behaves and never puts his hand in his pocket and explain that you're not feeding him 5 days a week or putting up with entitled behaviour from an acquaintance who has decided he is moving into your home. I'd also point out that the way she treats you regularly and the step up in abusive contact when she doesn't get her own way is another reason why you will not be allowing this man to move into the home your children live in.

UDontDans2Tekno · 04/08/2021 10:35

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way.

for this alone NO

for all the other bits you say, about his tightness etc NO NO NO

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