Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[M4J4]

Think he's scared of her

No, he'd rather upset you than upset her.

Be firm, put your foot down, he does not move in and NO ONE abusive to you, including his vile daughter, should be allowed in your home.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Why would you offer a night a week?!

He’s a 35 year old man with a good job who already has two places to stay and he’s rude. She’s a brat and a bully.

Just disengage completely. And if your husband hasn’t got your back he can piss off too.

The whole thing is bizarre.

[Lostinthemail]

No is a perfect answer, even when you do get along by the way.

But begrudging your SD en her DP a meal when they come to visit, meh. I think it’s quite normal for a parent to want to pay for his children in these circumstances and for children to let them. And to not help out when you visit. Why should he? You two have young kids yourself, so it’s not as if you’re eighty and need the help. She’s your husband’s kid and he wants a relationship with her, holding on to all these little grudges surely won’t help.

[FairFuming]

No.

[dworky]

You have young children, hardly know him & he's not amenable.
A resounding no!

[Dacquoise]

Absolutely stand your ground and defend your boundaries on this one.

Friend of mine allowed her daughter's boyfriend to stay during the week as it was an easier journey to his work and five years later he was still there, seven days a week. Ate her food, used the facilities and between them contributed £50 per month. When they finally moved out they commented that she would really miss the £50!

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Sorry-it doesn’t work for us.

Sounds definitely like a money thing and he just wanted to live for free at your house! CF

[4togonow]

So he lives with her (SD) but he wants to stay with you five days a week and he has a house share too? Is that right? Very weird all round.

[MzHz]

An absolute hell no.

“It doesn’t suit us to have people to stay for too long, this wouldn’t work at all for anyone”

[sailmeaway]

No, no, no and no! He doesn't need to stay with you and sounds really unpleasant

[5475878237NC]

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way.

Based on this alone I'd say no.

[Hekatestorch]

Not a chance would a man, I barely know be living here over half the week. No matter whose boyfriend he was.

This is ridiculous. And I would be really unhappy with Dp, if he let his adult child throw crap my way over this.

[Willwebebuyingnumber11]

YADNBU!
What a pair of CF!
Me and DH are younger than this man and are married with 3 children and our own home. Why on earth does a grown man want to live with his girlfriends parents :/ bizarre

[Willwebebuyingnumber11]

If he can’t afford the house share, he needs to find a job closer to home or lump the commute.

[SoapboxFox]

No way. Everything you've said indicates that he should not stay with you. Ignore the brattish behaviour from SD and stand firm.

[clickychicky]

No, especially not with her attitude

[ChargingBuck]

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

OP, she's not going to hear this from you.
But her dad needs to say it to her.
He's not doing her any favours, letting her get away with tantrumming.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

She's vile. He's a lazy tosser. And you have no obligation to either of them.

Stand your ground!

And I'll bet in a couple of years, they will have split up as he'll expect her to do everything for him.

[JonahofArk]

A 35 year old man who is basically a stranger to you wants to move into your house? The brass neck of some people!

I'm younger than him and I'd be ashamed to even think of asking this of anyone, never mind my GF's dad and stepmum!

Do not even entertain this nonsense.

[ExConstance]

We allowed a relative to stay with us for a couple of weeks when he was between houses. We thought it might be fun, DH ( and it was his relation) said it was the worst fortnight of his life! Don't do it.

[TalkingOutYerArse]

No

[WhatATimeToBeAlive]

@saraclara

What is her father saying to her? Why is it down to you to tell them no and take the flak for it?

This. Tell your DH to grow a pair.

[Howshouldibehave]

Think he's scared of her and still riddled with guilt from meeting me all those years ago

What does that mean?

And what is a high octane house?

DH commutes 2 hours each morning and the same again each evening-why can’t this man just live at home and travel an hour?!

[WimpoleHat]

My take on it is that it’s really not fair on your children to have a house guest for such a long time - it is disruptive to them and their routines. As a one off, as a favour, for a couple of nights? Sure. Any longer? No.

[RedMarauder]

The answer from me is "No"

If he wants to live like part of the extended family then he needs to help out like part of the extended family.

If he doesn't want to then he can't stay at all. Don't mix the boundaries up by offering him one night a week.