Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

[GiftOfGob]

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

[RampantIvy]

I wonder if it's a regional thing?
I honestly have never heard it.

I'm inclined to think you are right @TheOrigRights. It's just not an expression in common parlance round here.

Every day is a school day

[GiftOfGob]

MzHz,

Thanks again for your wisdom. Would be easy for me to put into practice, not so sure about OH...Bottom line is he isn't staying, so a victory (of sorts).

Have a great day

[GiftOfGob]

For those baffled by my use of 'high octane:'

If having a broad vocabulary make me pretentious, I'll proudly wear the badge!

And you got to expand on your vocab today too!

Have a great day

[Willwebebuyingnumber11]

Just try and expand that vocabulary to a clear NO, OP and you’ll be just fine.

[5475878237NC]

Gift of gob indeed

[DepressedDD]

Her answer? I am not part of 'their' family, my children are!

And her OH isn't part of your family. 🤷‍♀️

[DancesWithTortoises]

Since when did common expressions become pretentious?

[MzHz]

@GiftOfGob

For those baffled by my use of 'high octane:'

If having a broad vocabulary make me pretentious, I'll proudly wear the badge!

And you got to expand on your vocab today too!

Have a great day

❤️

Yay to the badge!

This is another that annoys me - women here being baffled by the most pedestrian of phrases.

It’s not like you were channeling Jacob Rees Mogg and enunciating your mot juste in sodding Latin!

But then again, I’m shocked to hear that some people treat Insta and TikTok as a news source

I’m so glad this hurdle has been overcome @GiftOfGob! Brava! Bravo!

[RampantIvy]

@DancesWithTortoises

Since when did common expressions become pretentious?

Because they aren't common everywhere?

[SoapboxFox]

High-octane doesn't just mean 'energetic'.

Collins - ‘very exciting or intense’
Lexico/Oxford - ‘powerful or dynamic’
Cambridge - ‘full of energy or very powerful’

[Jumpingintosummer]

@GiftOfGob

For those baffled by my use of 'high octane:'

If having a broad vocabulary make me pretentious, I'll proudly wear the badge!

And you got to expand on your vocab today too!

Have a great day

and patronising to boot!

[MzHz]

Ooh now there’s another big word.

Hopefully someone clever will come along and google a few dictionaries

Oh. My. Sides.

[TheOrigRights]

@GiftOfGob

For those baffled by my use of 'high octane:'

If having a broad vocabulary make me pretentious, I'll proudly wear the badge!

And you got to expand on your vocab today too!

Have a great day

I am quite familiar with the term high-octane, but have not heard it in the context of describing a household.
There are many people on this thread who are not familiar with the term in that context, and I imagine we mostly have pretty wide vocabularies.

I am not about to start using it, because it really would sound pretentious where I live, which indicates to me that it's a regional term.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

Being unfamiliar with words or phrasing used does not make the writer either pretentious or patronising.though??

[DoubleTweenQueen]

@GiftOfGob I hope your DH is ok - he must suffer a great deal from the continuing attitude from his daughter, and I imagine a source of tension and sadness for all of you

[Pemba]

I agree that the SD's boyfriend should not be allowed to stay, as it's a damn cheek considering his attitude to the OP and her partner, and lack of a cordial relationship with them. He obviously only wants to do it to save money, he is most definitely an adult who can take care of himself, he's not in need at all. And it is very wrong of the SD to verbally attack the OP as she hasn't got her own way.

However, am I the only one to find it sad that the relationship between the SD and her father is so poor? Yes the SD is an adult now, but when OP and her partner met she was a young teenager who was probably distressed about losing her father. That goes some way to explaining her hostile attitude. Yes she's 27 now, and is behaving badly, but.... The OP is nothing but critical towards the SD and her mother, and what is all that about hijacking her partner's phone to send messages to SD as if from her father? All very odd, and the OP seems quite self-satisfied about her family and everything. A bit smug.

I also find it odd the way some of you are insinuating that the boyfriend has dodgy motivations for wanting to stay in a home with 'young children - OMG!' Get real people. Many households have children living there and he is clearly just a freeloading cheapskate, a bit much to insinuate he is also some kind of paedo!

[Maggiesfarm]

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]Being unfamiliar with words or phrasing used does not make the writer either pretentious or patronising.though??[/quote]
I agree, how horrible to suggest the op is either; she certainly didn't give me that impression. 'High octane' is a good description. Apart from that, homing in on a perfectly reasonable word is diverting the topic of conversation.

Surely if we don't understand a word or phrase, we can google? I'm forever googling unfamiliar words, it's good to learn new things.

[GiftOfGob]

MzHz, thanks for your ongoing kind words of support

[ShallWeStartTheMeeting]

Another one who's never heard high octane as a house description...

[GiftOfGob]

Double Tween Queen

Thank you for your kind words. Lovely of you to think of my OH and family

He has been quiet and laying low today. The extremes of radio silence or vitriol, with little else in between, are difficult to manage. I prefer the radio silence then it is never far away from his thoughts, his face etched with the sadness of it all.

[MzHz]

My oh has this too. We have managed contact and refuse to be manipulated

It’s been really hard, and I just wish everyone here could realise that there really are some people who make it a mission to cause upset and drama in the lives of others and sometimes they’re related to other people.

My oh ex is - or was - a complete emotional terrorist

We’ve totally cut her out of the equation now and she’s realised she has absolutely no power and no matter what she tries to manipulate oh to get more money or whatever (trust me, she’s not short!) because she sees extortion as a sport. Always has done. Their DD has tried the same, or has been instructed to try it, oh just ignores, says a flat no or insists that her dm goes half.

@GiftOfGob your h has to take a step back I think, and being consistent in saying no is the easiest way to do this. No point in confronting, not point in engaging or trying to get them to see things from a normal person’s perspective. That’s never going to happen, (a) because that doesn’t result in them getting what they want and (b) they aren’t normal people, they’re narcissists.

We need to surround ourselves with those who love us, those who add to our lives and those who share our values.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

@GiftOfGob I do understand - have been the SD. Not beloved if my SM at all, but I had respect for her & my DF.
It's sad for your SD too as she is very much an adult who has, and is, ruining the opportunity of a decent relationship with her family. She really needs to grow up and realise life is very short. If she feels anything for her dad, she needs to build bridges.

[GiftOfGob]

Pemba,

Are you familiar with the term parental alienation? I wasn't before I met OH but sure as hell am now! Sadly not odd, more common than you realise. I have 3 adult friends all raised by their mothers whose contact with the father was either lost altogether or only resumed after leaving home.

SD's mother is second generation single parent, only child family whose mantra is 'all men are b***ds and will pay, financially and emotionally.'
From the day the girl was born she was used as a pawn. Daddy and his family always kept at arm's length with limited visits which would be thwarted, short lived or stopped altogether, covetous as SD's Mother was of her, only wanting to share a child she considered her sole possession with the Nan. As a result SD has missed out on a wider loving family and view of the world as has OH and family. No winners in this sorry situation I'm afraid.

Might I ask how you would've dealt with this situation since you are so quick to judge? Were you confronted with this level of 'punishment' and abuse, how would you respond?

To clarify the phone hijacking element, in her refusal to accept No for an answer, SD delusionally thinks it is me sending the messages from her father's phone! I had done this in our earlier days, however stopped when it only made bad matters worse.

And being happy with my own family and in my own skin does not make me smug or self-satisfied, it makes me grateful.