Can you ask for dc to be taken into care?

[WitsEnd9]

Name changed for this..
Never thought in a million years I’d say this. I look at my youngest and can’t imagine ever feeling this way or saying this about him in 10 years. But we are where we are…

My oldest is 15, 16 next month. Things are really bad. They’re smoking cannabis and dabbling in other things. Out all hours. I’m reporting them missing to the police at least once a week. They’re involved in criminal activity which wasn’t necessarily through choice so the main priority from a safeguarding point of view is getting them away from those people, which seems to have happened.

But even taking them away from those people, which removes immediate risk, still leaves me with a child who is disrespectful and is making my life hell. I don’t know what else I can do, I can’t see it ever getting better. There’s moments, when we talk, where I can still see my child, we have really honest and frank conversations and I think I’ve gotten through to them but the pull of their social circle is too strong and once they’re out the door they don’t give a shit.

There’s lots of social services, police, school involvement.
But at what point am I allowed to say I can’t do this anymore?? I’m sick of not being able to go to bed, having to wait up in case they come home, or for the police to arrive once I’ve made a missing person report (which I have to do after a certain time). I’m sick of neighbours seeing the police here. Sick of worrying about the effect on my youngest. Worried about repercussions from the people she’s hanging around with effecting me or youngest or putting us in danger.
Fed up of not being able to make plans or do anything and everything revolving around their choices.
But most of all sick of feeling so powerless. I feel like if this was a relationship everyone would be screaming at me to leave, but because it’s my child I’m supposed to just put up with it yet the effects on my life and mental health are the same.

I’ve done everything in my power to help, constantly letting things go to try again, for their sake, because they need me and need help. But it’s just not sustainable.

[Spagoot224]

CP Social Worker here - do your Local Authority not do any outward bound kind of support or respite? Has she been heard via the Missing/Grooming framework? Often, there are multiple, very specialised practitioners in these teams who can consider the situation from this specific angle. In my experience, the turning point for teenagers like this is a good relationship with just one worker. You will continue to be encouraged to report her missing by a certain time; you are the first defence in disruption activity to keep her safe. Do your Local Authority have an edge of care service? Usually they can offer outreach/respite for children and young people to prevent them coming into care?

[RamblesShambles]

Hiya. I'm sorry to hear this. Must be so tough on you. I'm an ex care leaver. You can put children into care on a voluntary basis, either for respite or a longer term thing. You would still have PR. I can't imagine it will change her behaviour though, if anything may push her further into the spiral. I was a good kid when I went into care but the system was awful and it wasn't nice.

Considering her age and behaviour she would probably be placed in a children's home, at 16 would be most likely moved into supported housing.. more opportunity to do what she wanted with little input from adults.

Not much advice to give but just my experience.

[DeflatedGinDrinker]

I was like your daughter. my mum asked SS to take me into care and they said no. I grew up and lost the temper and attitude. Cannot believe how bad I was now. I think going into care would have made me so much worse.

[Jambalaya76]

I went off the rails at 14 and ended up in care. I treat my family horridly and turned to drugs and crime. At 16 I lived in my own flat and was left to my own devices. My mum was constantly there for me even though I treat her awfully. She even took me to buy drugs. When I was about 20, I had got out of that life, took myself to college and got a job ( although still taking drugs).
I finally got a degree, a house, married, children, all with my mother at my side. I ended up looking after my mother in her old age, al the time racked with guilt at the way I treat her. I hope I made it up to her.
Your daughter will come round, but she has a lot of growing up to do first. Sorry if that's not any help to you currently. I wanted to point out that my man never put me in care, I went myself and she was always there for me no matter what I did. I don't know where I'd be now if I didn't have her support throughout my horrible teen years. Much love and take care of yourself x

[Looubylou]

I don't have an answer for you OP, but children in care are extremely vulnerable to exploitation. I wouldn't remove her funds as PP suggested - she's already involved in crime and being exploited, she'd be even more vulnerable to being pulled further into that life.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

I appreciate that the police turning up in the early hours is disruptive but there is a reason you're being asked to report her. Think about what's likely happening to her while she's out. She's probably using alcohol and drugs and getting insensible. There will be adult men around who may already be sexually exploiting her. I don't want to be too graphic about what happens to teenage girls when they are out all night refusing to go home but it's not good. If you report her then the police will know to be looking for her if they break up a group/party/sketchy situation and could bring her home. You may feel it's pointless but it could save her.

[WitsEnd9]

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. Especially the ones where people have come out the other side, it gives me hope.
I’m not giving up yet… wish me luck!

[nanbread]

@WitsEnd9

I will mention the adhd and bipolar theories to camhs but I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to find something to blame.
She scored so low on the adhd questionnaire though that they immediately discounted it. But it was asking me a lot of stuff about her as a child and if I’m honest I can’t really remember what she was like in primary school because it feels like such a long time ago and so much has happened since with her and having a younger one with sen.

I wonder what you other children's SEN is

May be a link

Could she be autistic - can present v v differently in girls, and can make them more likely to engage in risky behaviour, would explain the depression too.

[WitsEnd9]

I work with children with sen so would be very surprised if I’ve missed something with her. But it was never even on my radar. Even though now, actually she does present with some adhd traits, I don’t think any were present before now.

[LadyRoughDiamond]

There are a small number of state boarding schools around where you just pay for accommodation. There may even be help available for this cost. Speak to social services as I’m sure they’ll have more info.

[EatWellStayFitDieAnyway]

I went through what your daughter did in terms of drugs and being exploited/involved with crime. Except I didn't have family or anyone to help. I had a boyfriend who beat me and raped me. It was becoming pregnant that gave me the strength to get away. In order to do that I had to cut all friends off and move somewhere totally different, far away.

I know moving might not be an option for you. For me it was my only chance, my only option.

What you have to remember is all of these stories, including mine, are coming from a place of survivor bias. Many people don't make it. You can wait up every night for years, try a thousand techniques. Ultimately it has to come from her. You are not a bad parent and she is not a bad person.

[Topofthepopicles]

Just wanted to say having worked in a boarding school that I don’t think this is the answer. We can’t offer the level of pastoral support that would be needed and realistically if she went missing from boarding school repeatedly she’d likely to asked to leave the school because the school couldn’t guarantee to keep her safe.

[Nootkah]

@WitsEnd9 Hope you all find a way forward x

[DinkyDiggies]

I could have written something very similar about my daughter around 10 years ago. Smoking, drinking, bunking, being dragged home by police stall hours, having lied about where she’d been. She got some help from CAMHS and anti depressants did help. I have a couple of sisters who were very good with her at the time and she’d have weekends etc with them both for her and my respite. But I think what mostly changed for her was getting an apprenticeship at 16, she had her own wage, was proud of making money, saved some for a volunteer trip out in Asia and came home a different person. 10 years on she’s in a final year of a degree, while working part time in NHS, she’s now mum to her own little girl and happily living with her partner having moved out last year.
(And that was after telling me at 15 that she couldn’t wait to be 16 to get out ‘this shithole’)
My advice... keep hanging in, keep supporting her, keep believing in her, and keep offering her the way out. They can and do change.

[CFLandlordStory]

Please dont give up.

I was the DC. I caused my parents awful pain and hassle for years. Probably 13 to 17. They stuck it out. I was a stupid teenager who thought the world revolved around me and having a good time and that my parents worrying and hating my friends made them awful people. We had some major blow outs, but they stuck it out. Im in my 30s now and have a child, a good job, a home and feel very settled, and most importantly, i have a very close relationship with my amazing parents who are always there. They made me realise that nothing is more important than family.
I cant imagine how hard things were for them and my siblings during my teens. I am truly sorry for it. But i grew out of it. I'm sure it felt like it would never end, but it did. I now barely ever drink, have no interest in drugs and would do anything to avoid getting into trouble.

SS say you need to phone her missing after so long. Ignore them. You've already considered care and they are not keen, so what are they gonna do? Take the advise of a previous poster and just stick it out, be there, but dont intervene. Show love. Maybe id youre worried she would bring wrong uns home you could have a lock on your younger childs door? (Depending how much younger obvs) and on your own?

Whatever you decide to do. Please stress to your daughter how much you love her and that if she ever needs you she can come back home to a safe space

[Hugoslavia]

You are so articulate, so could you write them a letter like the opening post telling them what you are sick of and how much this is effecting you mentally and physically?

[Tangledtresses]

@WitsEnd9

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. Especially the ones where people have come out the other side, it gives me hope.
I’m not giving up yet… wish me luck!

No don't give up.. keep going it's doesn't get much better 🥶 but as they grow up they do start to realise it's it's them not us! Maybe Nevis now 17 and has calmed down a lot thank god!!!!! But it was touch and go for a while back there in the 14/15/16 years

[MouseInCatsClaws]

i am a social care worker(not in uk) and work with older teenagers in residential care. I have seen examples where teenagers were asked to leave home because their behaviour made living at home untenable. Crucially, their mothers remained involved in their lives, and those kids ended up doing ok. Its the ones whose parents couldn't care less who have the shittiest outcomes.
So i would ask social services what options are available and take it from there.

Good luck i hope you all get what you need

[Overwhelmed192]

@witsend9

Your post could have been written by me its so similar to my current situation with DD.
I did get to the point where I couldn't go on and im still there now. I wrote a letter formally requesting they accommodate her under section 20, they declined. They told me she was better off at home because I was a protective parent despite her being beyond parental control and that taking her into care wouldnt change anything for her.
She is currently missing and Im up waiting for the police, in the last week she has been missing for all but 1 night.
I understand why people tell me to just let her get on with it and not report, after all what are social services going to do?
But for me its not just about doing what they want me to do as Im sure it isnt for you. If I went to bed and didnt report it and then something happened to her I would never forgive myself.
Social Services are now looking into supported living for her when she turns 16 (a few weeks).
I havent and never will give up on her, this isnt that, this is me saying I cant keep her safe, Ive tried everything I possibly can, I have nothing left and im so tired Im no good for anyone.
Supported living may make her worse but its also a chance for her to change what's shes doing, the only one that can do that is her. I will always be there for her, support her emotionally whenever she needs me. But after exhausting every available avenue I have to think about my other child and my sanity. After all if I have a breakdown they'll both end up in care and without my emotional support.

I read a good quote which helped me with her behaviour..

They're good parents with good kids, if being tougher was all it took they'd have done it yesterday and moved on to easier things, like herding butterflies!

I hope things get easier for you op. If you want to talk to someone going through it please message me.

[1forAll74]

I suppose you have tried everything, but have you ever got to the roots of why she has gone off the rails., and decided to mix with others who are much the same. She probably does not care what anyone says to her right now, but needs to be aware, that a downward spiral of using drugs etc, can badly affect her health , and other things that people get into.

Going into care, with other troubled people is usually a bad idea it seems. children often run away from such places.. and end up sleeping rough somewhere. I have no experience of going through things like this, but truly hope you can get some help for yourself and your daughter.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

MillionnewnamesL

Great post