Can you ask for dc to be taken into care?

[WitsEnd9]

Name changed for this..
Never thought in a million years I’d say this. I look at my youngest and can’t imagine ever feeling this way or saying this about him in 10 years. But we are where we are…

My oldest is 15, 16 next month. Things are really bad. They’re smoking cannabis and dabbling in other things. Out all hours. I’m reporting them missing to the police at least once a week. They’re involved in criminal activity which wasn’t necessarily through choice so the main priority from a safeguarding point of view is getting them away from those people, which seems to have happened.

But even taking them away from those people, which removes immediate risk, still leaves me with a child who is disrespectful and is making my life hell. I don’t know what else I can do, I can’t see it ever getting better. There’s moments, when we talk, where I can still see my child, we have really honest and frank conversations and I think I’ve gotten through to them but the pull of their social circle is too strong and once they’re out the door they don’t give a shit.

There’s lots of social services, police, school involvement.
But at what point am I allowed to say I can’t do this anymore?? I’m sick of not being able to go to bed, having to wait up in case they come home, or for the police to arrive once I’ve made a missing person report (which I have to do after a certain time). I’m sick of neighbours seeing the police here. Sick of worrying about the effect on my youngest. Worried about repercussions from the people she’s hanging around with effecting me or youngest or putting us in danger.
Fed up of not being able to make plans or do anything and everything revolving around their choices.
But most of all sick of feeling so powerless. I feel like if this was a relationship everyone would be screaming at me to leave, but because it’s my child I’m supposed to just put up with it yet the effects on my life and mental health are the same.

I’ve done everything in my power to help, constantly letting things go to try again, for their sake, because they need me and need help. But it’s just not sustainable.

[Unsure33]

My niece was in a very similar position and ended up sofa surfing as her mum chucked her out . The thing that actually got he back in track was the Princes Trust . I can remember exactly what it was but it was a course with volunteering and learning . It turned her around.

[TableFlowerss]

You poor thing OP. She sounds like an absolute nightmare! You sound lovely and do supportive so she’s a lucky kid.

No advice other than I can understand why you’re sick to the back teeth of her

[Genevie82]

Hi OP,

You’ve got a very difficult situation as a parent - trying to manage the situation and stress that comes with your 15 yr old whilst balancing the needs of your younger ( and with their own particular SEN needs too) and the impact on your ability to be a parent to them too. The bottom line is yes you can ask social services to “voluntarily accommodate” your DC on the basis that they are beyond parental control and you don’t feel you can keep them safe any longer. Once they have been in care for a period of time social services have a duty to apply to court for an order to share PR with you as children can not remain in foster care under a voluntarily arrangement anymore. This could be very stressful for you but it may also be a relief as the responsibility will lie with social services for your DC welfare. At their age they will be placed with foster carers and then moved onto more independent living 16/17 yrs. however if their behaviour deteriorates further once in foster care , ie running away, placing themselves at more risk social services will likely seek to put them into a residential unit where staff can supervise them.
Social services must think you are doing a good job as a parent to not be having discussions themselves with you about foster care given your descriptions of your DC behaviour - it might be worth thinking about a respite arrangement instead as support to you - alternative weekends maybe. Some young people really settle once they are in care if they get invested foster carers who enjoy working with teenagers - there can be real success but it has to be supported by you as their parent to work. Other adolescents get even more destabilised if the match isn’t good and end up placing themselves at even more risk than if they lived with their parents. I think part of the descision for you has to come down to how it will affect your relationship with your DC - short and long term and how they will react.... talk to their SW about how your feeling, if their decent they will help you with a decision and what options you have.

[WitsEnd9]

I just want to help her but she just won’t accept help. I try and arrange days out together and she doesn’t bother to come home, I talk to her, I loads with everyone I’m supposed to. But I do have to consider my youngest, hold down a job, and look after my own sanity too. It’s making the home environment very stressful.
I’m a single parent, funds are limited due to only being able to work part time due to dc’s needs so boarding school ect not an option.

I will talk it through with the social worker and see what the options are. But they are very insistent that I am doing a great job and she needs to be with me, and that me and grandparents are her biggest protective factor.

I just feel quite trapped.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Speaking from my teenage years you're wasting time trying to organise days out etc. It's awful but at the moment she doesn't care about your feelings, stop trying so hard.
Disengage from her try going grey rock emotionally she is your child, you need to protect yourself from her attitude.
I didn't care a jot my DM's heart was breaking I was selfish mean because I was messed up by hormones I'm a pmdd sufferer and suspect add as both DC have it.
I'd do the basics for her, change your reaction to her.
Tell her you love her but don't like her behavior or attitude.
I eventually ran away when DM was trying to be helpful, I believed she was trying to control me.
There is light at the end of the tunnel it isn't unusual for teenagers to go off the rails.
I'm dreading mine as teenagers if like me.

[Shedbuilder]

OP, the only person I've known facing this situation persuaded her son to go with her to visit family in Sweden and then somehow she and her parents and siblings prevented him from coming home. Two years later mother and son are still there and he is finishing school and will go to university there. Dad and two daughters are here in the UK. I don't know how well it's working. Clearly it's not an option for most people and goodness knows if the marriage will survive, but she felt her only chance of keeping him away from drugs and out of prison was to cut him off from everything he knew. No one blames the parents and you are certainly not alone.

[Garfunkle]

YABU. Parents have a hard time with their own teenagers. Nobody wants somebody else’s problems.

Social Services need to prioritise young, vulnerable children who need care and guidance, due to poor parenting. Teenagers whose parent has given up on them will be way down the priority list.

OP why do you think someone else will succeed where you have failed with your teenagers? Nobody else will love your children as much as you. Nobody else will put up with their shit. Who can blame them?

[LilacBridge]

The main things to help her get through this are showing her that she is loved by you, her finding new friends so she isn't as tied to the old friends, and seeing that there is other things she can find happiness in.

You mentioned her sibling having SN, is there anyone who can look after your younger DC once a week/fortnight?
That way you could have some time focusing on her, ask her what she wants to do (don't expect her to instantly be interested) but try to gradually get into a routine where you have 1-1 time with her, and don't feel like it's failed if she doesn't want to initially as it's still showing her that you care enough to want to spend time with her and she isn't just an inconvenience.

Have you changed her school?

Would she agree to a weekend away with you as an initial introduction to spending some time together?

Also avoid shouting at her, that will just build resentment and stop her taking in anything you're saying, talk to her seriously about things but yelling is counterproductive.

[WitsEnd9]

She actually begged me for the day out, but couldn’t keep to her end of the bargain with being home at a reasonable hour. She does actually want to. But is almost sabotaging herself.
But you are right, she is extremely selfish, she only cared about that becasue SHE wanted to go. She doesn’t care when I’m upset. She does think I’m controlling but I also have social workers breathing down my neck so have to keep doing the ‘right’ thing. It’s almost all about appearances. Inside I’m struggling but worry if I tell them that they’ll then worry about my ability to parent my youngest dc. Which they absolutely don’t, but I can’t help worrying.

[WitsEnd9]

@Garfunkle I don’t care if it sounds bad, but that’s exactly what I want, for it to be someone else’s problem.

There’s literally nobody she can go and stay with. My mum tried but it made her ill.

[WitsEnd9]

@LilacBridge 1:1 time won’t happen as she is out within an hour of being awake and doesn’t come home until at least midnight. I’ve tried, I had a day planned that she really wanted to do, but she went out and then cried about missing the day afterwards.

[Genevie82]

OP, can you tell us how long your DC behaviour has been like this?

[Blueskytoday06]

Where's DD's dad in this? Would he be able to help? This isn't something you should deal with alone.
If he's on the scene, would they take her into care or would it default to him ?

[LilacBridge]

Have you tried again after that day?
Is she being controlled by or scared of the people she's involved with? It sounds strange that she cried about missing the day if it seemed to be her choice.
Have police looked into potential of grooming or is it only seeming to be people her age involved?

[Bluntness100]

This happened to my brother and honestly it made verything worse snd impacted him for the rest of his life. I’d strongly caution against it and I’d advise you to listen to your social worker. With the love of a family unit she is likely to pull through this, moving to a children’s home it’s highly unlikely she never will, I’m sorry.

[Kanaloa]

At 16 it’s unlikely your child will end up in care. They will likely be supported to live in a halfway house or similar. I hope you get some help, it sounds so difficult. I don’t know what I’d do.

[Rainy365]

I really don’t have any experience with teens (mine still young) but was cancelling the day out a consequence/punishment for her not getting home on time?
If it was then I’m wondering if the days out should go ahead regardless, as essential for the sake of your relationship rather than as a reward/punishment. This may be the way to ‘get her back’ if you can have more and more quality time together like days out.

[Papergirl1968]

I put my adopted dd back into care when she was aged about 15 and two months because she was out of control and I couldn’t keep her safe.
She was getting drunk, running off two or three times a week, self harming, aggressive with me and other people, causing damage at home, and had been permanently excluded from school.
She didn’t listen to any of the warnings, and although we had social workers, youth offending team, Camhs, police etc helping, nothing worked. So one day I packed her things and took them to the children’s services offices. I think I rang her or messaged her to tell her to go there and I can’t remember if she did or if the SW picked her up from somewhere.
Initially she went into a care home, where there were three other kids, about three miles from our house, but it was too close to the negative influences of friends and the running off and bad behaviour continued.
So after a year she was moved to somewhere about 50 miles away and much more rural, with little in the way of public transport. There is only her and one other girl, and the staff are great. It hasn’t been completely problem free but she’s done much better there. She’s just turned 17 and they’ll be looking to move her into semi independent accommodation in a few months.
As for our relationship since, it’s had its ups and downs. At times she’s felt abandoned and been resentful, but I’ve always stressed it was because I couldn’t keep her safe.
She came home for a night recently which I’d been really looking forward to, but she was pushing the boundaries in terms of staying out much later than we’d agreed and keeping me awake by being on her phone hand the night, and her general attitude was defiant.
So I would say our relationship has been damaged, but i also think there’s a very real chance she’d be dead now if I hadn’t put her back in care.
It’s an awful decision to have to make and my heart goes out to you and other parents in a similar situation.

[AlwaysLatte]

I'd move to a farm in the middle of nowhere! Get lots of animals for them both to take care of, and try to regroup. But that may not be an option. I definitely wouldn't give up on her though, no matter what.

[Beancounter1]

[quote WitsEnd9]@Millionnewnames the issue is, I can’t let her get on with it. I’ve been told by social services I have to call the police every time she isn’t home on time. So I can’t go to bed, can’t rest, as have to wait for the police.
I can’t give her a key because she can’t be trusted. She’d let herself in when I’m at work, not go to school, bring people to the house.
I’m genuinely worried she’s putting us in danger, or it could get to that stage. The social services involvement means I have to be actively trying to stop her.[/quote]
Sorry I haven't read the full thread yet, but this jumped out at me.
On the one hand the social workers want to keep her with you, keep praising you etc. Then on the other had they tell you to keep calling the police and staying up half the night.
Just don't call the police. Don't do it. Go to bed.

Give her a key, or if she will lose it put a key somewhere by the front door. Let her come and go, but get locks for your bedroom and the other child's room. Let her skip school. Expect to come home to find the TV sold for drugs, so get a very very cheap one.

What are the social worker's going to do if you don't call the police? They don't want to take her into care!

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

[quote WitsEnd9]@Garfunkle I don’t care if it sounds bad, but that’s exactly what I want, for it to be someone else’s problem.

There’s literally nobody she can go and stay with. My mum tried but it made her ill.[/quote]
She will never be someone else's problem though. She will only ever be your daughter and all you'd be doing is burying your head in the sand tbh

[Highfivemum]

Firstly I am sending the biggest hug to you.
You sound like you have tried everything and are now at your wits end. Although I agree foster care is not ideal I think in your case it may be the best for you. You sound like you cannot physically go in and I am sure it is not an easy decision to decide foster care is the only answer and hats off to you for admitting you need help. . You as well as your DC need help and support and I don’t think you struggling to carry on is in either you DC or your Interest. Speak out before you yourself suffer anymore.i wish you all the best.

[Garfunkle]

She will never be someone else's problem though. She will only ever be your daughter and all you'd be doing is burying your head in the sand tbh

Exactly. Something makes me think that OP intends putting her teenagers into care, expecting them to emerge as “perfect” adults. That is not going to happen - ever!

The likelihood is that the teenagers are going to end up totally screwed up - because their mother didn’t want them. Neither did their foster carer. They were expected to lose touch with their mates and everything they know (that won’t happen. They’ll find a way). New school/college…. Having to make a fresh start with people they don’t want to be with, have no intention of making new friends. All they want is the life they know.

Who wants to make a new life on the say so of someone else?

All children/teens need guidance from their parents. If they can’t take it from their parents they ain’t going to take it from strangers.

Moving teenagers from the home they know into a totally alien environment can only result in traumatised adults.

[NotWanting]

If you really want to do this then do it before she turns 16. You will need to force their hands and not give them any other choice than to accommodate her.

Some people will never get/understand why people do this to their own children. They just can't comprehend it. It's a very difficult move for a good parent to do but there becomes a point when enough is enough.

Good luck.

[stripedbananas]

It sounds like you've reached the point where you have no option other than to put her into care.
You've tried your best but she's not responding.

So yes it's ok to go ahead and try it.