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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he spends too much time with his ex?

76 replies

esmero · 03/08/2021 12:51

I've been with my boyfriend since December, we aren't living together but we do stay at each others almost every weekend. He was with his ex for almost 2 years and she was pregnant with his baby when they split up. We started going on dates etc just after that as we were friends previously.

I knew his ex would always be apart of his life because of the baby but I was fine with it. The baby was born at the start of may. Boyfriend sees him regularly which im fine with but I think he spends too much time with his ex.

They go on ‘days out’ together with the baby, he goes around there often which im usually fine with. On Friday, he was going to stay over but he told me he was going to see the baby first and then he'd ring me, but he didn't and whenever I tried to ring him his phone was switched off.

He messaged me at about 11 and he told me his baby would only sleep on him and kept crying whenever he put him down. I then found out he'd cooked for his ex!

Aibu in thinking they speaks too much time together?

OP posts:
Original poster
esmero · 03/08/2021 12:51

Spend not speaks!

OP posts:
Fullofglee · 03/08/2021 12:53

Tbh you were daft to get with someone who's ex was pregnant I'd have run a mile.

Wjevtvha · 03/08/2021 12:54

I think that’s part of it when the baby is so young; understandable if she doesn’t want to be away from the baby and he’s trying to support her which is a good thing as a dad.
I’m not sure you really went into this with your eyes open if you feel this is too much already. I’m a step parent but I’d never get together with someone with a baby on the way as I can envision multiple problems

WildingFae · 03/08/2021 12:55

So the baby was born 3 months ago?

YABU!

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:56

So do you want your boyfriend to not see his baby or do you want a mother to send her 2 month off without her to see his dad? (Not even possible if shes breastfeeding)

Either is completely unreasonable.

I think you need to leave this relationship - the two of you are in completely different places in your life and if you struggle with this now, you are going to struggle more as his child gets older.

notgoodpud · 03/08/2021 12:56

As someone who has been the mother in this situation. Does she know about you?

To be honest getting involved with him in the first place was a mistake.

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:57

Just out of interest, does the "ex" know about you? And does she know shes an "ex"?

notgoodpud · 03/08/2021 12:59

When I was in this situation, we obviously spent a lot of time together. Our baby brought us closer together. Nothing happened whilst he had his girlfriend but we got back together soon after that. Honestly it’s far too much hassle and they will spend a lot of time together in the future

yourestandingonmyneck · 03/08/2021 13:03

Sorry, but you need to just leave them to it.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it was a daft idea to have got involved in the first place.

Move on and find someone who can prioritise you.

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 03/08/2021 13:03

Honestly, I would walk away and let these people raise their baby how they want, whether that’s together as 1 family unit or as 2 separate ones.

LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 13:04

The baby can’t really leave mum right now, he’s doing right by supporting her. If he was at her house at tea time and she couldn’t put the baby down, then I think it’s kind of him to make her something to eat. I’m not sure what you were expecting when you got with this man. You’re going to have to accept that his ex is going to be a big part of his life for the foreseeable

QueenBee52 · 03/08/2021 13:05

End this OP.. 🌸

pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 13:05

YABU and you need to walk away. He isn’t in the right place to be in a relationship right now.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/08/2021 13:06

Taken at face value you are being unreasonable. She has just had his baby, he is being a great dad and Co parent in supporting her.

They will be tied to each other for life, I strongly suggest growing a thicker skin or walking away.

You sound jealous of her and that is never attractive.

But honestly, he got some girl pregnant and a matter of weeks after they split you 2 are together...he is hardly a prize catch. Move on and have some self respect. You can do better

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2021 13:06

Throw this one back in the sea, you'll only get more frustrated.

user1471457751 · 03/08/2021 13:06

So just a couple of months after your boyfriend conceived a child with her, the 2 of you got together? You don't hang around much do you.
You're being very unreasonable to expect a new mum to hand over her newborn for contact.

Trampolean · 03/08/2021 13:07

Run OP, bloody well run. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I do think it's great he is spending time with his child and presumably the mother is happy with their arrangement too; he probably doesn't have the mental space for a partner as well.

AndTime · 03/08/2021 13:09

I would step back and let them see what happens. The baby being born might make them want to try again.

He can't take such a young baby away from mum and it's good that he wants to spend lots of time with his child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2021 13:09

Boyfriend sees him regularly which im fine with

You don’t get points for that. Of course he does. And it’s not your place to have a view on it.

The baby is far too small to be away from his mum so what do you expect your boyfriend to do?

If you think he’s unreliable then break up with him.
If you don’t trust him then break up with him.
If you can’t handle him spending time with his ex so he gets to bond with his son then break up with him.

I’d save yourself a lot of hassle and just break up with him tbh.

RedMarauder · 03/08/2021 13:09

Until the kid is around one then you are wasting your time with him.

Walk - no run away quickly.

Twizbe · 03/08/2021 13:11

I'm not sure this is the chap for you, or at least not at this moment.

He's spending time with his baby and at that age it means the baby's mum too. He sounds like he's trying to be supportive of her too which is a good thing.

How old are you?

Notapheasantplucker · 03/08/2021 13:14

Oh fuck that, I'd be running for the hills. Too much drama and obviously a lot more to come.

NoMoreTractors · 03/08/2021 13:14

The baby is so small, he's doing what is recommended for separated parents of a child so young. But yes it's probably not the time for a new serious relationship.

NoMoreTractors · 03/08/2021 13:16

To add, nothing wrong with cooking for her when the baby won't be put down. It's part of helping out. It's not going to be a romantic meal with a screaming newborn.

Hekatestorch · 03/08/2021 13:20

You aren't really the sort of person that should be in a relationship, with a man whose ex has just given brith to their baby.

The baby is the priority. That will mean, in some ways he will priotise her. She has his young baby. A father should support them both.

Of course he could be just not telling her about you.

But even if it is innocent, this isn't the relationship for you. Not a bad a thing, it wouldn't be for me either. But you to reflect on this and realise it will be better for everyone, if you bow you out at this point.