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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he spends too much time with his ex?

76 replies

esmero · 03/08/2021 12:51

I've been with my boyfriend since December, we aren't living together but we do stay at each others almost every weekend. He was with his ex for almost 2 years and she was pregnant with his baby when they split up. We started going on dates etc just after that as we were friends previously.

I knew his ex would always be apart of his life because of the baby but I was fine with it. The baby was born at the start of may. Boyfriend sees him regularly which im fine with but I think he spends too much time with his ex.

They go on ‘days out’ together with the baby, he goes around there often which im usually fine with. On Friday, he was going to stay over but he told me he was going to see the baby first and then he'd ring me, but he didn't and whenever I tried to ring him his phone was switched off.

He messaged me at about 11 and he told me his baby would only sleep on him and kept crying whenever he put him down. I then found out he'd cooked for his ex!

Aibu in thinking they speaks too much time together?

OP posts:

Drivingmeupthewall · 03/08/2021 13:28

How old are you all?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/08/2021 13:30

I think you need to back out of this situation, there's a very good chance they're bonding and considering giving things another shot because of the baby

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/08/2021 13:31

As others have said, you need to step away.

The alternative to spending time together is a very young baby having contact with dad away from mum, which is a no go at this age, or dad not seeing the baby regularly.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just niave about the situation he was getting into. Now the reality is here he is, thankfully, choosing the baby and caring for baby's mum over you.

Steelesauce · 03/08/2021 13:38

Just walk away. It won't work.

Maskedrevenger · 03/08/2021 13:43

Bloody hell that’s moving on from a relationship at top speed. Your DP needs to slow down a bit and take stock.I think for any chance for your relationship to work long term you need to step back a bit for a while and see how things settle out. Because the baby is so young it’s the only way he’s going to be able to spend with his child and this isn’t going to change anytime soon.

pommepommefrites · 03/08/2021 13:52

Girl, run!!! You have all the freedom in the world you do not want to be saddled with a bloke who broke up with his pregnant girlfriend then cuffed the first girl he could get his hands on, he ain't bf material. Let them play daddy and mummy and wish them luck and thank the lord you aren't shackled to any of these people by blood for the rest of your life. Go live your life. Honestly, I urge you, don't do the pick me dance, let's be honest he's probably shagging his ex whilst he's there, just leave them to it and go travelling, exploring, being grateful for not having any baby mama drama, we've all had a shitty two years, do something good for yourself and drop this fucking dead weight.

auferste · 03/08/2021 17:15

YABU

LuaDipa · 03/08/2021 17:37

I think you made a mistake getting involved with someone so soon after he separated from his ex. It does seem as though you may have reason to be uncomfortable about the situation but he is absolutely right to put his child first, even above you.

I would move on and find someone with no ties.

00100001 · 03/08/2021 17:41

So, you got together with a guy who had an ex, that was around 3-4 months pregnant, so presumably only split for 2-3 months.

And now the baby is here, you're complaining he's spending time with his baby?

I'd end the relationship, but not because he's spending time there. Because you're jealous and suspicious.

You've only been together, what..8 months, max... So just end it.

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 17:47

Helpful

Sciurus83 · 03/08/2021 18:11

RUUUUUNNNNN!

Getting with someone with a pregnant ex was a mistake, he sounds like he's doing a good job as a new Dad. That's good, but there's not much room for you here. Find someone else, you'll all be happier

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/08/2021 18:12

Wait, you found out he had a pregnant ex and you still kept sleeping with him....? That's awful. Shame on you and shame on him. Surely you knew that despite what line he spun you, there was a very good chance that they could reunite because of the baby? Have some decency and back off.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/08/2021 18:20

Yeah I’d get out of the situation if I were you.

You know how no one would really expect her to be in a new relationship at this stage of her baby’s life? Well the same goes for him. His focus should be on the baby, and supporting the baby’s Mum even if they aren’t together.

He won’t have time or headspace for a new relationship just now. And baby is far too little to be away from his or her mum.

VioletVesper · 03/08/2021 18:36

Hi OP, I have been in your situation and I can’t urge you enough to leave and save yourself the heartache. There is almost no chance the mum doesn’t still have feelings for your boyfriend and they will inevitably bond over the baby. You are setting yourself up for insecurity and heartbreak.

I was young at the time and afterwards made a rule NEVER to entertain someone with a child under the age of 5. That may seem dramatic but please trust me that there’s often unresolved hurt and feelings and it’s not worth the stress.

Best of luck

lunar1 · 03/08/2021 18:40

You would have needed to knock me unconscious to take my newborn out of the house without me. If he wants to see his child then it had to be with the mum.

He needs to be doing night shifts and being a dad to a newborn. This is an insane time to start a new relationship.

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2021 18:54

Hills are that way, OP. >>

IWantT0BreakFree · 03/08/2021 18:55

I think you need to gracefully bow out.

The baby is so little and his mum will need lots of support at this stage when she's doing all the sleepless nights, all the feeding, everything because she and that baby are not living with your boyfriend. It's obviously right that your boyfriend shares that responsibility, and whilst the baby is so young (and for the foreseeable) that will mean they literally share the load together, in the same place at the same time.

If the two of them have found a way to muddle through the situation together and make sure that both they and the baby are happy and healthy then you would be very, very wrong to get in the middle of that and demand they co-parent around your needs.

To be honest I don't think your boyfriend is being very fair. He should really have stayed single to focus on his ex and the baby, especially now it's obvious that he can't dedicate himself to both fatherhood and a new relationship right now. But if he's not going to do what needs to be done, in your shoes I would just leave them to it.

Hankunamatata · 03/08/2021 19:01

Sorry but you were mad to date someone literally after they broke up with their pregnant partner. Id walk away now. He isn't doing anything wrong spending lots of time with his baby which will naturally involve the mum as the baby is so small

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2021 19:05

I think you need to bow out and let them get used to being parents. This is not about you.

Bad timing, but also bad decision from you to get involved with someone who has a pregnant ex.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 03/08/2021 19:06

He's doing the right thing as a dad. This is what it's like having a baby - cooking for the ex while the baby cries brings back memories.

There are far more uncomplicated men out there. Yanbu if you were o leave and find someone without a tiny baby

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/08/2021 19:07

JamieLeeBee · 03/08/2021 19:08

As someone who would give anything for a dad who actually helped me when needed for my kid, I can't understand why you basically want him to not care less for a very young baby.

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 19:11

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Oh bore off

30degreesandmeltinghere · 03/08/2021 19:15

He is investing his time in the most important relationship he has going on right now.
Sadly that isn't the one he has with you.
Find someone more available...

Choice4567 · 03/08/2021 19:21

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