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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he spends too much time with his ex?

76 replies

esmero · 03/08/2021 12:51

I've been with my boyfriend since December, we aren't living together but we do stay at each others almost every weekend. He was with his ex for almost 2 years and she was pregnant with his baby when they split up. We started going on dates etc just after that as we were friends previously.

I knew his ex would always be apart of his life because of the baby but I was fine with it. The baby was born at the start of may. Boyfriend sees him regularly which im fine with but I think he spends too much time with his ex.

They go on ‘days out’ together with the baby, he goes around there often which im usually fine with. On Friday, he was going to stay over but he told me he was going to see the baby first and then he'd ring me, but he didn't and whenever I tried to ring him his phone was switched off.

He messaged me at about 11 and he told me his baby would only sleep on him and kept crying whenever he put him down. I then found out he'd cooked for his ex!

Aibu in thinking they speaks too much time together?

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 03/08/2021 19:38

Leave them as they are, needing to be with their baby. It will create problems for him, if you don't like the idea of him spending time with his child. which he seemingly wan'ts to, he doesn't need to go through any guilt about this.

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 19:41

OMG, why would you get involved with someone in that situation?

One or both of them probably does fancy playing happy families and if they can make it work that's great. Leave them to it.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/08/2021 19:43

Nah @Lovelybottom I think it's you that needs to "bore off" if you think that the behaviour of either the OP or the guy is acceptable. Anyone with decency would stay out of that situation. No doubt their behaviour aligns with your morals, hence your offence.

Blossomtoes · 03/08/2021 19:46

Who in their right mind gets involved with a guy whose “ex” is pregnant? Go and find someone who’s footloose and fancy free, OP.

AngryWhompingWillow · 03/08/2021 19:48

@Fullofglee

Tbh you were daft to get with someone who's ex was pregnant I'd have run a mile.

This. ^

Why anyone would get with a bloke whose 'ex' is pregnant just baffles me.

RUN for the hills @esmero

TableFlowerss · 03/08/2021 20:02

Another here to add- don’t waste any more of your time OP. It’s unlikely to get better. Walk away and meet someone that can give you what you need.

Planty13 · 03/08/2021 20:19

He shouldn’t be in a relationship IMO. Having a baby is the biggest commitment you can make to someone and over nights are not really an option at this point so of course he will want to be spending full days with his child.

Leave him. He are both at very different points in your lives.

5128gap · 03/08/2021 20:22

Di you think he's the type of man that would find it impossible to put his baby down or hand him over to his mother so he could go see his girlfriend? If not, I'd say its likely he was there because he wanted to he with her, not just the baby.

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 20:23

Do you have a mum OP? What's she saying?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 01:18

Sounds like he has stepped up. Yabu op.

user1473878824 · 04/08/2021 01:24

What did you expect? That he’d just go round, look at the baby and then go home? You knew he had a huge thing in the pipeline and now you’re getting upset he’s doing complete normal things (cooking! For a new mother! The bastard!). Now out.

Catflapkitkat · 04/08/2021 03:35

I know two women who have been in this situation. One got back with the ex after the baby was born. The other broke up with the new girlfriend because he wanted to get his head around being a father and didn't feel he could be in a new relationship.

Bottom line I would never get serious with someone who has a pregnant ex.

LimeRedBanana · 04/08/2021 03:43

Something is way off with the timings here.

You got together with him when his ‘ex’ (huh) was, what, 4 months pregnant?

And you’d been ‘friends’ prior to that…?

You don’t have a leg to stand on. You were a third party in their relationship.

And to those posters saying he’s ‘stepping up’ - please!

If you think ‘stepping up’ is dumping your 4-month pregnant partner of two years to immediately take up with someone new, your bar is so low, a snake can’t slither under it.

ShippingNews · 04/08/2021 04:26

I agree with PP . You got together with him when his ex was only 4 months pregnant - what did you expect ?? And now you're complaining that he spends too much time with her - the mind boggles.

Move on and find a man who hasn't got a pregnant ex girlfriend - life will improve I guarantee it.

Monty27 · 04/08/2021 04:49

To be kind to yourself and the others involved I would end this relationship.
It has far too much angst especially in such a new relationship.
Set him free to be a good dad and try to meet someone less complicated.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 04/08/2021 04:59

Hes helping out his ex - shes now a single mum with a small baby. I dont know how much experience you have of small babies but they are hard work. The fact he's cooked for her doesnt automatically mean they've had a romantic meal. Its likely one person ate whilst the other held the baby, then they swapped. As for going on days out, when my son was that age I wouldnt have gone out by myself without someone there to help me for any extended time. Perhaps she needs the support?

Tbh you dont sound cut out for this, and I think your new bf (who sounds like a bit of of a twit btw) is unreasonable to try to maintain a new relationship whilst he has a small baby.

Maskless · 04/08/2021 05:26

End it now, and keep your dignity. Because I think at some point they will decide to stay together and YOU will get the boot.

Sadiecow · 04/08/2021 06:42

End it, it's not going well.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/08/2021 09:50

If you think ‘stepping up’ is dumping your 4-month pregnant partner of two years toimmediatelytake up with someone new, your bar is so low, a snake can’t slither under it.

I must have missed the part where it said he dumped her

As it stands they are single parents and he is parenting his child and doing things for his baby's mum too, he is stepping up.

Hemingwaycat · 04/08/2021 10:01

I think most women would run for the hills if a man told them they were going to have a baby with someone else in a few months. Unsure what you found so endearing about this situation but if I were you, I’d run.

Babybabybabyooooh · 04/08/2021 10:15

He cooked a meal for a woman who just had a baby three months ago? Unless she’s incredibly lucky there is no way baby is sleeping through and I’d have loved for someone to cook us a meal when DCs were that young!

I think it sounds like you’re feeling insecure, which is totally understandable, but they’ve just had a baby and he is being an good father by the sound of it.

You need to decide whether this is something you can live with, as he’s not doing anything wrong. It’s totally fine to decide it’s not for you but you can’t ask him to change his behaviour.

Lavender24 · 04/08/2021 10:28

@yourestandingonmyneck

Sorry, but you need to just leave them to it.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it was a daft idea to have got involved in the first place.

Move on and find someone who can prioritise you.

I second this,

Woodmarsh · 04/08/2021 10:57

I've been in your situation and it's bloody hard, it will get easier but not for a whole. To be honest I'm not sure I would do it again as even when it does get easier other issues come along.

There really are other single child free fish in the sea

LimeRedBanana · 04/08/2021 11:09

I must have missed the part where it said he dumped her

Right, because pregnant women so often walk out on relationships 5 months before the baby’s due, to do it alone. Whereas men never walk out, leaving the woman holding the baby.

It’s all so tediously, predictably banal.

Oh, and he just happened to have the OP waiting in the wings to pick up with immediately. Well, well, well.

More than happy to be proved wrong when/if the OP returns…

5128gap · 04/08/2021 13:47

@LimeRedBanana

I must have missed the part where it said he dumped her

Right, because pregnant women so often walk out on relationships 5 months before the baby’s due, to do it alone. Whereas men never walk out, leaving the woman holding the baby.

It’s all so tediously, predictably banal.

Oh, and he just happened to have the OP waiting in the wings to pick up with immediately. Well, well, well.

More than happy to be proved wrong when/if the OP returns…

Whoever dumped who it's probably not great news for the OP. If it was her decision there's a fair chance he's trying to get back with her. If it was him, well, enough said. I know in some people's world men are responsible devoted fathers who would cook for the mother of their child because it's the right thing to do, but a lot of men are not like this at all. From what OP has said it all seems a little rushed and inconsistent and I just don't get the picture of a man with only his child's interests at heart here. And presumably neither does OP, hence her concerns.

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