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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a bathroom

65 replies

Iliula · 03/08/2021 05:45

We are planning to stay with my (new)husband's family in a very rural village in Europe next month. The trouble is they don't have very update facilities and wash using a tap in the yard and there is a hole in the ground in a shed for toilet.
There is a hotel near but my husband says family would be offended if we don't stay with them. How do I menage?

OP posts:
Mummywantsaweewee · 03/08/2021 05:54

I would not stay with anyone where I had to wash under a tap and do my business in a hole outside! Sorry if that makes me sound like a spoiled 1st world brat but even having an outdoor toilet you can sit on and a tub you can fill with just enough warm water from a kettle is better than that!
In my opinion your husband should be putting you first now… and I think it’s up to him to explain to his family that no offence, but BOTH of you are used to modern plumbing now and you’ll stay in a hotel so you can have a wash. He shouldn’t be just placing blame on you for them being offended.
How would you feel staying in hotel by yourself?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 05:55

I have no idea how you'll manage this situation, but I wouldn't stay anywhere without a proper bathroom.

Original poster
Iliula · 03/08/2021 06:03

Mummywantsaweewee
Love your username, very apt!
The hotel is a distance away, I don't drive and my husband likes a drink so that's not an option for me to stay there alone.
I should explain, the toilet is in a shed with a seat but is basically over a large hole.
They are wonderful people and I really don't want to be a diva but will struggle without a toilet and proper shower as it will be hot :(

OP posts:
Brigittebidet · 03/08/2021 06:14

How long will you be there for? Could you compromise and stay with them for a bit? I lived like this for a year - it's doable. My tip would be to leave a bowl of water in the sun for washing in the evening - warm water, and to have something to pee in, in the night (potty or similar).

sandgrown · 03/08/2021 06:15

If it’s only going to be a week I think I would just grin and bear it. Just be thankful this is not your daily life . If his family are lovely it would be awful to offend them.

Spidey66 · 03/08/2021 06:20

I thought at first you meant an en suite and was prepared to say you were a diva....but no I don't think I could do that!

It reminds me of my paternal grandparents home in rural Ireland when we visited as a kid, but even they ended up getting a bathroom in the mid 70s!

girlmom21 · 03/08/2021 06:30

I think you just have to embrace it to be honest. It's not ideal but it's not the end of the world either.

Serenissima21 · 03/08/2021 06:31

Where are you going?? Are you sure he's not pulling your leg?

boringbrain · 03/08/2021 06:40

Hmmm I get where your husband is coming from but I think you should play it like we don't want to burden them as they need to prepare to host us and it could be very tiring for them but if we stay in a hotel, they don't need to worry about any mess we make or if we want to watch TV at midnight we won't disturb them as we will be in a hotel plus it's what most people do anywhere around the world if there's hotels nearby as people don't want to burden family/friends with overnight stays as there's so much preparation and so much hosting that needs to be done.

fallfallfall · 03/08/2021 06:44

It wasn’t long ago I learned about world toilet day. It’s a United Nations effort to improve sanitation.
Anyway, sounds like a basic pit toilet as in camping. That will be fine.
You could fill a small pale with water and wash while standing on a towel to not ruin the floor of your room.
You’ll figure out a private way to deal with this as well.

Original poster
Iliula · 03/08/2021 06:46

Serenissima21
No unfortunately, we visited en route before but only for one night which was fine. It's the smell of the toilet which is overwhelming, plus the very uncomfortable beds, I know I'll struggle to sleep which will make me irritable- I know I'm sounding spoilt now. It's for 2 weeks. My husband is used to all this, I'm not.
Maybe I'm a horrible person for feeling so negative about it.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 03/08/2021 06:50

I’d hate every minute…😩

maddening · 03/08/2021 06:51

Are there taxis?

Pongo101 · 03/08/2021 06:54

Put your foot down now and stay in the hotel.

I speak from similar experience. Got a lot grief the first time but it was worth the grief and after that we stayed in the hotel every year.

You will likely be expected to stay there every year otherwise and it will come up every time, you will be dreading it every year. And if you have kids you will be expected to stay there with them too and wash your kids under the cold outside tap.

This is likely not the only difference you will encounter. You might be expected to eat food you would never dream of eating. Or participate in activities that going against your values. Or just not have privacy you need. Having a hotel is a way to avoid a massive bust up with in laws.

I put my foot down and got called a princess after the first time we stayed there and I said never again but actually look forward to my holiday every year now. My friend who is married to a man from the same place dreads her trip every time, finds an excuse every year if she can, and when she is forced to go comes back and spends a whole evening moaning to me about it. Gets harder to change now that she has stayed so many times.

Kalvinette · 03/08/2021 06:55

I hate the whole "they'll be offended" thing. Just get a hotel and tough shit if they're offended. It's your holiday.

toomuchfaster · 03/08/2021 06:57

Tbh, I could probably make do with the toilet situation and manage the washing with a bowl of water for a short while. But two weeks of it and an uncomfortable bed? I would be horrible by the end. And I wouldn't care if they called me a princess.

Fashionesta · 03/08/2021 07:00

Any chance you will be on your period during that two weeks? I'm on holiday now and just started and no way would I be dealing with that plus wanting daily showers without a proper bathroom.

I agree with pp. May feel a bit uncomfortable at first to suggest hotel stay but will set a precedent for further trips. Also you say your husband likes a drink, could he compromise for your comfort and not drink every night? Are taxis an option? Also you say the beds are uncomfortable and again, two weeks is a long time.

RampantIvy · 03/08/2021 07:01

@Kalvinette

I hate the whole "they'll be offended" thing. Just get a hotel and tough shit if they're offended. It's your holiday.
I agree. I have IBS and, want and need 21st century plumbing.
Logoplanter · 03/08/2021 07:04

Sorry, but no way would I put up with that if there is an alternative, particularly for 2 weeks.

Your DH needs to put your needs before his family's needs otherwise he can go without you.

Boxerbinky · 03/08/2021 07:06

When we go to visit my in-laws family in the midlands I insist we stay in a hotel, even though they all have proper plumbing 🤣. I want my own space, I don't want to pile into someone's spare room and struggle for the sake of them being offended. I am better company when we see them for it! They all pile in ours when they come to us, and that's fine. I love his family, they are welcome.. but in that situation I am in my space and they are welcome to go to a hotel if that works better for them too. Factor in the bed / bathroom situation you are faced with.. not a chance in hell.

Brefugee · 03/08/2021 07:09

I would pretty much never ever stay at anyone else's house for more than a night (my parents excepted). Lack of hygiene facilities would be a dealbreaker for me and I'd be staying in the hotel.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 03/08/2021 07:11

No way. His family must know that you live differently.

I couldn’t do it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/08/2021 07:13

I remember these😂. The toilet is absolutely fine and survivable.
I would be bit 😳 about the tap, but for a week that is also doable for short period.
They refused to connect to utilities, didn't they.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/08/2021 07:14

Sorry 2 weeks

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2021 07:15

I have friends from across Africa who no longer stay with family. They book an apartment, even though they grew up in the conditions.
You need to tell your DH straight. I wild camp, but I would struggle with a toilet. I'd drink less and end up with a UTI. I've used squat toilet holes, but only for a visit, not for a stretch of time. I've always had a hotel to go back to.