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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DP of past history?

72 replies

Mybusines · 03/08/2021 00:09

Been with DP 6 years. I'm late 30s, he's early 40s. Obviously, there is past sexual history which we've never discussed apart from casual conversations mentioning experiences/disasters etc.
I have a male friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. He's quite a bit older than me but we've always got on brilliantly and slept together a few times during my early 20s. Nothing other than fwb, I've had 3 kids since (not with DP) and friend is godfather to my DCs.
Anyway, DP, friend, friends DP and I were having a drink yday (regular occurance) and I mentioned the time friends roommate walked in on me in the shower one morning. We all laughed, didn't think anything of it.
DP is now livid that I've never mentioned a sexual history with friend and is refusing to continue his friendship. Friends DP didn't know either but just shrugged and said 'the past is the past' and laughed about the fact we'd never thought to mention it.
WIBU to not list my sexual partners to DP? There is another friend I've had a ons with so I'm wondering if I should tell him?
Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with. It doesn't bother me at all.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/08/2021 00:11

I think considering he's your children's Godfather, you should have told him. Other than that, you don't have to disclose past flings. It is like you've shared this secret that your DH was excluded from.

Original poster
Mybusines · 03/08/2021 00:14

DP is not father to my DC. Their father is well aware of the history and was happy for friend to be godfather

OP posts:
GhostCurry · 03/08/2021 00:16

Yeah it’s the fact that you dropped the bombshell publicly in a way that made your DH feel excluded and stupid. Fine to keep the past to yourself, but don’t reveal it in that way.

Original poster
Mybusines · 03/08/2021 00:19

It wasn't public, just the 4 of us. It didn't occur to me that DP wasn't aware. Just a casual conversation. DP isn't pissed off about the conversation. He's pissed off that he's friends with someone I've been intimate with 15 years ago

OP posts:
Eleoura · 03/08/2021 00:48

I had a vaguely similar experience years ago. Dating boyfriend a year, but we both worked abroad, so I had never met his friends. We visited the UK and he organised a BBQ with old uni friends. On arrival it was 'Hi, I'm Joe, nice to meet you, hi I'm James, Hi, I'm Suzy I'm your boyfriends Ex!!! The entire night then carried on with talk of old times with them all!

It put me on edge all night, because the way it was said, and the fact my boyfriend had never bothered to mention it to me. I'm older and wiser now, but I was early 20's, in a foreign country and thought my boyfriend should have at least told me before the BBQ. It might be odd, but I felt that she had the upper hand, whereas I had no idea, was on the backfoot and only found out in front of other strangers I didn't know.

You should have told you DP beforehand IMO, in private!

namechange30455 · 03/08/2021 00:51

I'd be really upset if I was your DP tbh. It sounds horribly awkward him finding out like that in front of your friend.

Chloemol · 03/08/2021 00:54

What’s good for the goose etc

Tell him you refuse to continue any friendship with anyone he has slept with and don’t expect him to continue to see them

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 03/08/2021 01:00

You probably should have briefed DP in a one to one about the friend/godfather.

Not announce it at a social gathering.

He's probably feeling rather embarrassed/hurt/confused. It's one thing to process a feeling privately it's another thing to have to process a feeling in a crowd IYSWIM.

I don't think you need to disclose your past sexual encounters, but if you are going to do it. Maybe not infront of others OP.

NumberTheory · 03/08/2021 01:04

Your DP’s reaction is over the top, but I would want to know the rough history of my partners’ relationships with friends we socialised with. History colours the present and finding out significant bits well down the path can be a bit blindsiding.

AliceMcK · 03/08/2021 01:46

My DH isn’t interested in my past, we’ve had casual conversations about past partners usually when their is a funny story connected. As far as we are concerned our pasts are just that. Saying that though I would definitely tell my DH if I had a close friendship or relationship with someone ive slept with, just to avoid situations like this.

As far as he’s friends with people he has slept with, the difference is you know about them. Your DP has been taken off guard here.

Happyfeet1972 · 03/08/2021 03:28

I'd be upset in your DP's shoes too. I dont care about my DPs past, nor him me, but I'd feel like a fool to find out that one of his friends is a past sexual encounter that I didn't know about. I guess because I'd feel like mutual friends would be aware of this and I'd been out of the loop - if you are socialising with exes then I'd say that's about your present not your past and its only courteous to let him know.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 03:41

I wouldn’t be happy either and I don’t blame your dp for being angry.

There’s no need to bring up every past sexual encounter but I’d like to be made aware if I’m hanging out with someone my partner has previously slept with. It’s common courtesy.

You are even making jokes about it at the table and reminiscing while your partner is sat there non the wiser. Making him look like a total fool.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 03:44

Why did you announce it at a social gathering too? Trying to make him look stupid or embarrass him?

RubaDubMum89 · 03/08/2021 03:50

By not mentioning it, you make it seem like there's something to hide IMO.

LimeRedBanana · 03/08/2021 04:04

Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with.

For this alone, he’s unreadable.

It does seem odd that you’ve never mentioned. And then - bam - in the middle of a conversation is slips out….

LimeRedBanana · 03/08/2021 04:05

*unreasonable

QueenBee52 · 03/08/2021 04:08

Red Flag

His reaction to cut this friend off is ridiculous ..

It's none of his business who your previous sexual partners were..

You however were bang out of order for bringing up such a situation .. who the heck talks about being naked with previous partners to their current partner 😳

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2021 05:37

Why did you think he knew, why would he if you hadn’t told him? ‘I thought he knew’ is such bs. However, you can’t undo the past, your partner will have to come to terms with it and probably needs time, only you can decide if his reaction is a deal breaker.

joystir59 · 03/08/2021 05:51

You are being unfair. You made him feel excluded and stupid. Friends do doesn't mind because she knew about your sexual past.

valnevavaxx · 03/08/2021 05:56

I have a similar friend OP and my DP doesn’t know of our sexual history- jt was incredibly brief and over 10 years ago- I agree with you he doesn’t necessarily need a rundown of all my previous sexual partners but in this case I think it’s clear he’s hurt about the way he found out. The fact that you know he’s friends with people he’s been sexual with indicates you know about them and wouldn’t be blindsided in the same way.

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 06:47

Tell him you refuse to continue any friendship with anyone he has slept with and don’t expect him to continue to see them

I’d tell him about past sexual experiences about people who I was still friends with but no way would I end these friendships or expect him to end his friendships with people he’s had sex with.

BillMasen · 03/08/2021 06:55

I think he should have been told as this person is still a friend and a part of your life. Keeping it a secret feels to him lie there’s something to hide.

I’d be annoyed in his position

And “I thought he knew” is bollocks.

DysmalRadius · 03/08/2021 07:01

Being friends with your ex - fine.
Being friends with your ex, having a very deep relationship that includes your children and never mentioning they're an ex until you discuss some naked hilarity in a mixed group - really shitty.

Hekatestorch · 03/08/2021 07:02

I would tell dp if one of my best friends was someone I used to sleep with.

I would expect him to tell me. I would find it really uncomfortable to find out in the way the situation happened. By not telling him, it does seem like you were hiding it.

You definitely knew he didn't know. If this happened and I was bothered by it and dp said 'I thought you knew' , that would piss me off more.

PheasantsNest · 03/08/2021 07:05

That's really shitty of you to have kept it a secret when it is someone you see with your DP.

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