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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DP of past history?

72 replies

Mybusines · 03/08/2021 00:09

Been with DP 6 years. I'm late 30s, he's early 40s. Obviously, there is past sexual history which we've never discussed apart from casual conversations mentioning experiences/disasters etc.
I have a male friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. He's quite a bit older than me but we've always got on brilliantly and slept together a few times during my early 20s. Nothing other than fwb, I've had 3 kids since (not with DP) and friend is godfather to my DCs.
Anyway, DP, friend, friends DP and I were having a drink yday (regular occurance) and I mentioned the time friends roommate walked in on me in the shower one morning. We all laughed, didn't think anything of it.
DP is now livid that I've never mentioned a sexual history with friend and is refusing to continue his friendship. Friends DP didn't know either but just shrugged and said 'the past is the past' and laughed about the fact we'd never thought to mention it.
WIBU to not list my sexual partners to DP? There is another friend I've had a ons with so I'm wondering if I should tell him?
Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with. It doesn't bother me at all.

OP posts:

x2boys · 03/08/2021 11:59

I think its more the Op chose to bring it up whilst reminiscing that iwould have a problem with @TedMullins i know my dh has, had sexual partners s before me and vice, versa i dont want to know the details, and i would be upset if he brought it up whilst socialising with an ex

Lou98 · 03/08/2021 12:05

I do think YABU!

No you don't need to share your full sexual history with DP but if it's people he's going to be socialising with then yeah I do think he should know. My DP and I both have pasts but anyone that's within either of our friendship groups that we've slept with the other knows about it. Personally I just think it's respectful letting the other know.

No I wouldn't end a friendship with someone id slept with and I wouldn't expect DP to either - although I suspect your partners had this reaction out of being told in front of said friend like that.

Just because your friends DP wasn't bothered doesn't mean your DP shouldn't be. Also just because she reacted like that in front of people doesn't mean she wasn't bothered, I prefer to talk about things that have annoyed me in private so I'd have held off too.

It isn't the same that he's slept with his friends as he's obviously told you about them for you to know. Why didn't you tell him at the same time?

donenowplease · 03/08/2021 12:07

if you are socialising with exes then I'd say that's about your present not your past and its only courteous to let him know.

This hits the nail on the head for me.

We all have a past and it'd be awkward and unnecessary to go into detail on every previous sexual partner (one night stands and all). But if you're socialising with them it's not the past, they're still very much in your life. My boyfriend doesn't know every person I've ever slept with but he's aware of the ones in my life frequently and that's he's met. And if we were going to some event where we were likely to come across someone I'd previously slept with id give him a heads up just so he wasn't blindsided by it. That's the real problem here. It was just brought up casually in a reminiscing sort of way and he was out of the loop.

TheUndoingProject · 03/08/2021 12:13

I think you’re in the wrong here. No you don’t need to list every past sexual partner. But if you’re socialising with them then it’s humiliating for your partner to feel like you and your ex are keeping him deliberately in the dark.

paddlingon · 03/08/2021 12:44

This behavior lacks class.

You don't tell funny stories about when you were shagging someone in front of their girlfriend and your DP, particularly if neither of them knew this history beforehand.

It reminds me of dogs scent marking on lampposts.

pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 12:46

Yes, YABU and you should have told him. You were deliberately hiding it no matter how cot you’re trying to be.

pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 12:46

*coy not cot

Recessed · 03/08/2021 12:50

I wouldn't like this if I was your DP. Bringing it up in that way was insensitive, you should have been up front about it originally or never ever brought it up at all.

ittakes2 · 03/08/2021 13:13

You are not comparing apples with apples. You said you weren't worried about his friendships with people he had slept with - but that implies he told you about their shared past. You didn't tell him that the man you wanted as godfather to his children was someone you had slept with? He has been open with you about his past where relevant because you know about things. If he had left one woman out and then you discover it - wouldn't you wonder why he had left one woman out? You made him look a fool infront of the others that everyone knew but him.

rantymcrantface66 · 03/08/2021 13:14

You don't need to list your ex partners but I think I'd expect to be told if one was still a current friend and godfather to child. I understand DP being upset given the circumstances

Hekatestorch · 03/08/2021 13:15

You didn't tell him that the man you wanted as godfather to his children was someone you had slept with?

I not his children.

I do agree though. Op should have told him rather than letting him be 'oh good friend Bob, God Father of my children' and leaving out the rest.

Crunchymum · 03/08/2021 13:16

Anyway, DP, friend, friends DP and I were having a drink yday (regular occurance) and I mentioned the time friends roommate walked in on me in the shower one morning. We all laughed, didn't think anything of it

How does this translate into this divulging your sexual past with the friend?

pommepommefrites · 03/08/2021 13:32

Stay classy, op. I'll bet my house that friend's dp was not ok. I'd have wanted to rip your face off... but would have fasley tittered to save my own face at the time. Defo sounds like territorial markings and a little catty jealousy one upmanship on your part. I would not be socialising with you again. I don't think your dp is unreasonable either.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 03/08/2021 13:49

That was a stupid thing to do op, almost as though your saying to the godfather ‘hey think about me in shower, I’d be naked in the shower wouldn’t I? Remember me naked? Remember why I was naked? We we’re having sex weren’t we? Remember sex with me?’

Very uncomfortable and really disrespectful for your dp to find out this way. Maybe he is overreacting by telling you not to see this bloke anymore, but surely you can see his point of view.

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 16:20

All the best op, I can understand your perspectives

ChunkySloth · 03/08/2021 16:24

@Mybusines

Been with DP 6 years. I'm late 30s, he's early 40s. Obviously, there is past sexual history which we've never discussed apart from casual conversations mentioning experiences/disasters etc. I have a male friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. He's quite a bit older than me but we've always got on brilliantly and slept together a few times during my early 20s. Nothing other than fwb, I've had 3 kids since (not with DP) and friend is godfather to my DCs. Anyway, DP, friend, friends DP and I were having a drink yday (regular occurance) and I mentioned the time friends roommate walked in on me in the shower one morning. We all laughed, didn't think anything of it. DP is now livid that I've never mentioned a sexual history with friend and is refusing to continue his friendship. Friends DP didn't know either but just shrugged and said 'the past is the past' and laughed about the fact we'd never thought to mention it. WIBU to not list my sexual partners to DP? There is another friend I've had a ons with so I'm wondering if I should tell him? Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with. It doesn't bother me at all.

Normally I'd say you don't need to tell him anything but considering this is a family friend and godfather to your children, I think you are a fucking pisstaker tbh. I'd hit the fucking roof.

TedMullins · 03/08/2021 17:10

I honestly think you’re all bonkers. I’m trying so hard to relate to the posts here and empathise with what everyone’s saying but I can’t. I cannot imagine caring that my partner had shagged their mate 15 years ago even if I found out via a conversation like OP describes. I can’t imagine my reaction would be anything more than “oh you two had a thing? I didn’t know. Cool” and then moving on with my life. It was casual sex 15 years ago! I might react differently if it had happened very recently or was a serious relationship but enough time has passed for this to be a complete non issue. Clearly OP and I are in the minority though!

Hemingwaycat · 03/08/2021 17:13

DH doesn’t know very much about my ex lovers because they’re all in the past, I’m no longer friends with them and don’t even think about them. If I were friends with one of them, I’d have given DH the heads up before he met them. I think you should have been honest with DP before dropping it into casual conversation. Sounds a bit awkward. Some people don’t like their partner still being in close contact with an ex which I think is understandable.

Journeynotdestination · 03/08/2021 17:14

I’d want to know if a female (or male) friend of my DP had seen him naked and been intimate with him. It would make me feel really uncomfortable if we’d been socialising together and I didn’t know.

teaandbiscuits21 · 03/08/2021 17:22

My DH slept with his best friend (female) a few times at uni. He has been honest from the start and I can tell there is absolutely nothing romantic between them.

However if I had found out the way your husband had I'd be really upset and id find it odd that it had never come up in conversation before x

LimeRedBanana · 03/08/2021 19:45

Nothing quite like a ‘walking into the bathroom/shower’ story in front of an ex, your partner and their partner to really raise the bar. Classy.

Ginger1982 · 03/08/2021 20:06

This is someone who is prominent in your life and godfather to your kids. I think you should have told your DP.

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