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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DP of past history?

72 replies

Mybusines · 03/08/2021 00:09

Been with DP 6 years. I'm late 30s, he's early 40s. Obviously, there is past sexual history which we've never discussed apart from casual conversations mentioning experiences/disasters etc.
I have a male friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. He's quite a bit older than me but we've always got on brilliantly and slept together a few times during my early 20s. Nothing other than fwb, I've had 3 kids since (not with DP) and friend is godfather to my DCs.
Anyway, DP, friend, friends DP and I were having a drink yday (regular occurance) and I mentioned the time friends roommate walked in on me in the shower one morning. We all laughed, didn't think anything of it.
DP is now livid that I've never mentioned a sexual history with friend and is refusing to continue his friendship. Friends DP didn't know either but just shrugged and said 'the past is the past' and laughed about the fact we'd never thought to mention it.
WIBU to not list my sexual partners to DP? There is another friend I've had a ons with so I'm wondering if I should tell him?
Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with. It doesn't bother me at all.

OP posts:
Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 07:06

Yes, absolutely you should have told him you slept with your DCs god father and a man you still see regularly and have allowed to become good friends with DP.

I'll guarantee friend's partner is devastated too.

Potpourri23 · 03/08/2021 10:20

The friend's partner is probably also musing to herself that by bringing it up you were "making your territory". It's always pretty obvious when men's female friends are doing this.

budgun · 03/08/2021 10:24

@GhostCurry

Yeah it’s the fact that you dropped the bombshell publicly in a way that made your DH feel excluded and stupid. Fine to keep the past to yourself, but don’t reveal it in that way.

He doesn't need to be included.

1FootInTheRave · 03/08/2021 10:29

I'd have been really upset tbh.

Aprilx · 03/08/2021 10:35

I think what you did was really horrible. DH has a female friend that we have socialised with. If he told me that they had a history it wouldn’t bother me, if it was announced in a hilarious anecdote in front of other people like that, I would be very upset. I think you owe him a huge apology.

EatWellStayFitDieAnyway · 03/08/2021 10:39

The friend's partner is probably also musing to herself that by bringing it up you were "making your territory". It's always pretty obvious when men's female friends are doing this. I agree. I feel embarrassed for you OP as they probably think you're. bit of a fool.

You owe your partner an apology. Bringing it up like that in front of everyone was shit. The "I thought you knew" has gaslighting energy.

x2boys · 03/08/2021 11:14

Why on Earth would you bring it up when you were all socialising together? Very odd imo

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/08/2021 11:18

Your question is the wrong question. If I may say so. You weren’t unreasonable not to tell your DP about your past with your friend. But you were absolutely unreasonable to let it slip out in the way that you did. Either tell him, properly, privately, or don’t tell him. And although your friend’s DP just “laughed it off” she may well have been covering a whole host of emotions.

You were very unreasonable indeed to have said what you said when and where you said it.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 11:23

You are and are not unreasonable.

CounsellorTroi · 03/08/2021 11:23

It wasn't public, just the 4 of us. It didn't occur to me that DP wasn't aware.

How could he be aware if you hadn’t told him? He is not unreasonable to be upset IMO.

FeatheredHope · 03/08/2021 11:27

You owe your partner an apology. Bringing it up like that in front of everyone was shit. The "I thought you knew" has gaslighting energy.

This. You admit you hadn’t told him, so how could he know?!

Bookworm20 · 03/08/2021 11:27

YABU. Thats pretty shitty and I feel for your DH. You didn't think to mention this little fact int he 6 years you were together? Really?
And it just slipped out when the 4 of you were together.

If I was in your DH's shoes and me and my DP had been socialising with a couple and he dropped a bomb like that, I'd feel really betrayed. Like there was this little secret and I was kept in the dark about it.
You should've been upfront from the start.

And I bet other guys DP isn't that cool about it either, but just didn't want to make a scene.

I know the past is the past, but you socialise with this person and he is godfather to your DC. Pretty big thing not to mention.
I expect your DH is now wondering what else you haven't mentioned now.

LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 11:30

I’m with your oh on this one. You’ve embarrassed him and made him feel awkward

TedMullins · 03/08/2021 11:30

Disagree with everyone here, it's a complete non-issue. So what, you had sex in the past and made a joke about it? It's not a big deal, it's sex almost two decades ago! I wouldn't be upset in the least if I was your DP, I'd laugh it off with everyone else

Monday26July · 03/08/2021 11:31

YAB massively U.

The majority of people would want to know if one of their partner's good friends was an ex sexual partner, even if they were fine with the friendship continuing. This friend is a close one of many years standing, godfather to your kids, spends time with you socially and you never once thought to mention that you had a sexual history? In your DH's shoes I'd be certain you'd deliberately concealed it. How would that never come up?

No wonder he reacted badly, you blindsided him and he probably felt stupid that he was the last to know. I wouldn't have an issue with DH being close friends with an ex FWB but I would feel very deceived and made a fool of if I was spending time with her socially, welcoming her into my home, and had no idea that they'd had sex. It's deception by omission and no better than lying unless you try get out of it on a technicality 'well, technically, he never asked'.

I don't blame him for not wanting to continue the friendship, he feels humiliated and you've been awful to him. Not sure how you move on from this other than to sincerely apologise, tell him you see why you were wrong and hope he forgives you.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/08/2021 11:34

It's the not knowing that would be a problem for me.
No, you don't need to list everyone you've ever slept with but you should tell him if it's one of his social group.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/08/2021 11:34

Yanbu not to tell him about past history.

You didn't keep it in the past though, you brought it up, in a group setting, and now you're minimising his feelings about it, saying you thought he knew is total BS.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/08/2021 11:34

I think YABU. Normally I would say no it's none of his business but the fact that you're close to this guy is the reason I feel differently.

Especially since you brought it up, and his partner may not be cool with it but just didn't cause a scene. I'd have said something similar but actually have been really hurt.

He feels humiliated and kept in the dark, like the PP said it is deception by omission and I wouldn't be happy either.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/08/2021 11:38

I am the least uptight person when it comes to sexual histories, I don’t believe we’re owed all the details of who our partner has slept with before, I count two of DP’s previous ex girlfriends among my best friends, and we have an open relationship and thus both sleep with other people without jealousy. Even I still think that your DP isn’t being unreasonable to feel awkward and embarrassed to have to find out in that situation that somebody you both regularly socialise with is a previous sexual partner. He was put on the back foot and had to pretend to laugh along as if he knew, whilst wondering whether you intentionally hid it all these years. You don’t have to reveal every single sexual encounter you’ve ever had to him, and he isn’t entitled to expect that, but it’s just a courtesy to let your partner know if that person is still very much in your life - particularly if you’re going to be recounting old shared sexy stories in front of him.

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 11:43

I would not have found the reminiscing funny at all.

CounsellorTroi · 03/08/2021 11:47

Also, he's still friends with people he's slept with. It doesn't bother me at all.

But you know about them don’t you? Does he reminisce with them about their sexual relationships in front of you?

TedMullins · 03/08/2021 11:47

@Monday26July

YAB massively U.

The majority of people would want to know if one of their partner's good friends was an ex sexual partner, even if they were fine with the friendship continuing. This friend is a close one of many years standing, godfather to your kids, spends time with you socially and you never once thought to mention that you had a sexual history? In your DH's shoes I'd be certain you'd deliberately concealed it. How would that never come up?

No wonder he reacted badly, you blindsided him and he probably felt stupid that he was the last to know. I wouldn't have an issue with DH being close friends with an ex FWB but I would feel very deceived and made a fool of if I was spending time with her socially, welcoming her into my home, and had no idea that they'd had sex. It's deception by omission and no better than lying unless you try get out of it on a technicality 'well, technically, he never asked'.

I don't blame him for not wanting to continue the friendship, he feels humiliated and you've been awful to him. Not sure how you move on from this other than to sincerely apologise, tell him you see why you were wrong and hope he forgives you.

Why does it matter if they've had sex in the past though? It has no bearing on the present friendship, I genuinely don't understand why so many people feel like they need to know if their partner has shagged any of their friends. S o what if you're 'welcoming them into your home'? Would you stop doing this if you knew they'd had sex? I just cannot get my head around why this is a problem or something you feel entitled to know about something that happened nearly two decades ago!
Monday26July · 03/08/2021 11:50

@TedMullins

Even if you don't feel like you'd like to know whether your DH had slept with one of his friends or not, the majority of people would want to know that. Their reasons will vary from person to person. Clearly OP's DH does mind that he wasn't told. He may have been perfectly fine with it if OP had mentioned it in the past, or never said anything at all. Hiding it from him and then disclosing it in a social group was a shitty thing to do.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/08/2021 11:50

@TedMullins it was the OP who brought it up in the first place, if she hadn't there wouldn't have been a problem

BornIn78 · 03/08/2021 11:57

That was a really shitty way for both your partner and your friends partner to find out - reminiscing about your sexual relationship in front of them. You honestly didn’t think that was a bit off? You thought your partner knew? Nah, not buying that. That was nasty.