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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I just being stupid??

89 replies

AJB120 · 02/08/2021 20:10

Okay so am I being silly?

It’s a long one so please bear with me 🤦🏻‍♀️

So my husband and I have a great relationship, always laughing, having fun, great sex life etc etc. It’s been a little difficult lately due to my depression. I’m having a tough time at the moment but trying to get better!

So the back story:

We have a long standing running joke with one of our closest female friends about a threesome - it would never actually happen. It’s just been a daft joke and nothing more to it! But lately since she’s become single and we’ve all had a drink my husband brings it up more and more. He’s even text her a few times very inappropriately when drunk- which I made him apologies for. She’s fine with it and it’s not awkward but just laughs it off. I apologised on his behalf too as I don’t want my friendship with her ruined.

We were at a friends wedding at the weekend we only knew the bride and groom. It was a lovely day/night away, no baby with us and a date day for the two of us. It was wonderful and we had a great time. But as he got more drunk he was pointing out all the beautiful and gorgeous girls telling me how they fancied him. It was like he was trying to show me how handsome he is. He is and I tell him that all of the time, I compliment him ALOT.

I said to him in a jokingly way at the weekend “if you constantly notice all these hot girls and are checking for rings on their fingers with me here I dread to think what you’re like when I’m not here”.

Am I thinking too much into it?

Please don’t slate him or slag him off that’s not what this post is for.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 02/08/2021 21:40

Well he wants to fuck your friend, with or without you there

His behaviour suggests he doesn't want monogamy - if you do he's not for you

Sleazy creep

delilahbucket · 02/08/2021 21:44

My sister's ex used to joke about a threesome with me. It wasn't funny and I thought he was a sleazy pervert who I avoided as much as I could. That is what others, and your friend, think about your husband. Consider that before telling people not to slate him.

MrsTumbletap · 02/08/2021 21:45

My guess (but obviously I don't know you) but from the way you talk about him:

He is average looking
You dote/worship him
He doesn't worship you
Your self esteem isn't as high as it should be
He is arrogant
He fancies your friends
Your friends think he is a bit of a sleeze but wouldn't tell you.

I have friends with husbands like this. They think the sun shines out of their arse, and they are so great, and their sex life is so great. Yet when you have an in depth conversation, the woman hasn't had an orgasm in a year and their DH has been close to cheating more than once.

Morgoth · 02/08/2021 21:46

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

You are going to get a hard time here OP. What you've described isn't the behaviour of a great husband. You have mentioned in other threads that he does coke and lies about it, and you are both keen on going swinging. I think most posters on here will find it hard to relate to that sort of view point. Hope you're okay.

Gosh. Puts a whole new spin on OP’s post doesn’t it?

OP he sounds like a leering creep. He has no respect for you or other women and is basically implying to your actual face that he wants to shag other women including your friend (who is probably feeling awkward and mortified). However by joking around with him about threesomes with other women, commonly bringing other people into your relationship sexually and if what PP said above is true and you’re swinging together then I’m not quite sure what you expected? It’s a normalised culture you’ve fostered together over the years.

SameToo · 02/08/2021 21:46

He’s gross. Your poor friend. I’d hate to be the third of the threesome ‘joke’. He thinks you’re open to it. Not a joke really is it.

Eviethyme · 02/08/2021 21:55

Sorry but your husband is a creep and he wants to Fuck your friend. I wouldn't be surprised if she secretly feels uncomfortable

Voice0fReason · 02/08/2021 21:55

Please don’t slate him or slag him off that’s not what this post is for.
What is it for then?

No one can tell you that this is all fine and you have nothing to worry about. Because you are saying that it clearly isn't fine. Even when you are desperately trying to laugh it off and be all cool, so you aren't a nagging wife, you still can't quite convince yourself that you are cool with it. He is taking your humour as permission to do what he wants to do. He doesn't care how you feel at all.

wakinguptosunshine · 02/08/2021 21:55

@AJB120

Okay so am I being silly?

It’s a long one so please bear with me 🤦🏻‍♀️

So the back story:

Am I thinking too much into it?

Please don’t slate him or slag him off that’s not what this post is for.

"So my husband and I have a great relationship"

It really doesn't sound like you do.

FrameyMcFrame · 02/08/2021 21:59

Oh god I hate men like this.

MiaRoma · 02/08/2021 22:02

🤮 disgusting disrespectful slimy sleazeball.

Notimeforaname · 02/08/2021 22:05

Yea that's weird.

He's obviously running away with this fantasy.

He is telling you repeatedly he wants to have sex with another woman.
Thinking about it a lot. Talking about it a lot. Eugh.

Bingbongbash · 02/08/2021 22:08

He sounds like a tedious arse and the joke isn't funny. I would move on. Life is too short to spend it with knobs like that.

bigbaggyeyes · 02/08/2021 22:08

It's a joke when you both find it funny. Did you find his inappropriate texts to your friend funny? No? Do you find him commenting on other women funny? Well then it's no longer a joke. Tbh it's a boundary he shouldn't have over stepped

Fullofglee · 02/08/2021 22:12

What is the purpose of this thread op he's a creeper, he checks out women infront of you and is inappropriate towards your friend he likely messing about behind your back if he does this stuff infront of you. Open your eyes you've got your blinkers on.

RaginaPhalange · 02/08/2021 22:17

Seriously? Don't slate him?

He sounds awful and has no respect for you and other women.

MintMatchmaker · 02/08/2021 22:19

Your friend will think he's a sleazy creep, as will most women he's come into contact with I imagine. Except you it seems. Do you not realise how awful and disrespectful his behaviour is?

pinkypink24 · 02/08/2021 22:22

Ugh. You both sound rank to be fair. You allowing your poor friend to be used as jokey threesome bait & him obviously 🙄 now thinking his 3way luck is in messaging your 'friend' .

... Then you telling us no bad words to be said about him! You obviously now can't handle the '3 way joke' you started.

You deserve each other.

Message to your poor 'friend' ... The hills are that way >>>>>

cakewench · 02/08/2021 22:42

“WE” have a running joke.

Do we? Or does he?

You both playing along when he introduces the “joke” (which isn’t a joke btw; he obviously entertains the idea) isn’t quite the same as you all having a big equal laugh about it.

Namechangeforthisquestion7 · 02/08/2021 22:49

It seems very obvious to me that sex with another woman is a daft joke to you but something he very much wants to do. He drunk texts your friend with your knowledge of it, he points out other attractive women to you. So, either turn the daft joke into reality if that's what you want (is it really a joke?), or else have a sober conversation with him about how the joke has worn off and he need to keep his eyes focused on you.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 02/08/2021 22:52

Why would you want to be with someone like that? He sounds awful.

AgentProvocateur · 02/08/2021 23:02

It makes me so sad that you have so little self respect that you are putting up with this arsehole. Get rid and find someone who will treat you properly.

BillyIsMyBunny · 02/08/2021 23:12

Unfortunately if you don’t want me to slate him I don’t think I can contribute because I definitely can’t think of anything positive to say about him. He sounds like a total sleaze/ misogynistic creep.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 02/08/2021 23:16

Do you find the threesome "joke" funny? It sounds like you try and play it off as a joke to seem like you're up for a threesome and he doesn't think it's a joke at all.

My main concern is why the hell do either of you think it's ok for him to treat your friend like that? Imagine being her, how uncomfortable she must feel. He sounds so creepy. You sound blind to what a creep he is. On the whole you both sound terrible.

said to him in a jokingly way at the weekend “if you constantly notice all these hot girls and are checking for rings on their fingers with me here I dread to think what you’re like when I’m not here what is it with all the "I said in a jokey way bullshit?! What did you think was funny about that situation? You desperately need to communicate clearly. If my partner disrespected me the way yours has disrespected you I would have walked out!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 02/08/2021 23:23

Also, he needs to stop drinking alcohol if it turns him into a creep who leers at other people. He has no right to make people that uncomfortable.

AngryWhompingWillow · 02/08/2021 23:27

Seriously @AJB120 How can you expect people on here to not slate your DH? He sounds HIDEOUS.

As a few posters have said, he fancies our mate and wants to shag her. Doesn't sound like she is interested though. Not a total surprise really, as he sounds vile.

You can do better. If you've no kids together, leave FGS.

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