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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Suffocated - In laws!

72 replies

User27569 · 02/08/2021 16:08

Hi all, sorry in advance if this ends up long.

My DHs family live about ten minutes drive from our house. We bought in this area because our friends and activities that we met through are all here but I'm starting to feel suffocated at the amount we see them. We both work full time. As FIL and MIL are divorced we see them separately at least once a week. FIL phones almost daily and MIL phones maybe 3x weekly.

I raised this with my husband who said he would like to see them 1/2x a week going forward (he works 48 hours a week in 12 hour shifts, gets one weekend off in a fortnight and one or two days off in the week. I work weekdays only so our days together are 2 in a fortnight.) He said he wants to have more days off work - over the last year I've tried to get him training etc so he can change career to earn more or encouraged him to progress within the organisation to get him earning more than minimum wage so he can work fewer hours. He said he is jealous of my 7-5pm work hours and doesn't have an issue with how much we see his parents and how little I see him.

I phone my family maybe 3x weekly on my commute and see them 1/2 a month, usually on my husband's working weekend. I want him to tell FIL and MIL to back off as I feel like I'm in a relationship with his parents more than him. We are expecting our first and I'm worried I will get more resentful at the lack of close family time. I don't hate his parents, I just wish the balance was different.

Any advice? AIBU?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 16:27

Yanbu but it’s just going to get worse when you have a baby unless you put some real boundaries down now

DeathStare · 02/08/2021 17:44

Can't your DH see them while you're working and he's off?

Teacupsandtoast · 02/08/2021 17:47

He works a 4 day week....can he not just see them on his days off when you're at work?

IdblowJonSnow · 02/08/2021 19:01

Yanbu. This would drive me insane.
Get him to see them when he's not at work but you are?

tenterden · 02/08/2021 19:22

Why can't he see them without you?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2021 19:23

Your DH can go and see them as much as he wants. Doesn't mean you have to as well...

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 02/08/2021 19:29

I banned ours from popping over on the days we are off inc weekends because I was sick to death of my home feeling like I was sharing it.

Every now and then they need a reminder from dh not to keep turning up etc etc

I used to get annoyed if they were here when I got home from work (me and dh work opposite hours) and in the end I would just go out after work and do stuff or plan to meet friends or pop to the shop etc til dh realised (took him 2 times) that I'd really had enough.

Told him I'd be moving out if it carried on.

We don't have the problem anymore.

My parents actually live closer than his but they have a life so I don't see them as much.

Original poster

User27569 · 02/08/2021 20:34

Hr sees them on both his days off without me and the days with me at the weekend.

OP posts:

ChocolateCakeYum · 02/08/2021 20:40

@User27569

Hr sees them on both his days off without me and the days with me at the weekend.

The word ‘enmeshed’ springs to mind.

TillyTopper · 02/08/2021 21:18

If he's not going to co-operate with you and decrease visits then you need to reduce contact yourself and see how you feel after 2-3 months. I'd stop being so eager to answer the phone and I'd be sometimes too busy to go round - just catching up on jobs "you go if you want to" and sometimes I'd book something for us and the kids and not be available.

MIL used to phone a lot, taking ages to tell me about her day and tell me all about ppl I didn't know. I stop answering the landline and she doesn't call my mobile. DH soon put a stop to it when it impacted him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2021 05:13

and the days with me at the weekend

Well, just stop.

Be busy. Make other plans. Meet friends. Stay home and read a book/watch Netflix. You are not obligated to go with him.

Original poster

User27569 · 03/08/2021 05:59

I reached breaking point last night after a day spent almost entirely with his family 10-5 when he got home and we tried to have a conversation MIL rang twice to tell him something that wasn't urgent.

I've told him visits can be twice a month eith or without me with phones on silent outside of their time or automatic forwarding. He can still phone them on his commute or during his break at work. I've told him he has to lay ground rules or our marriage is at serious risk.

He has three months until the baby arrives. He needs to sort this out. I've also told him that the reason he gets no time for hobbies is because he is choosing not to spend his off days without me on the (solo) hobbies.

I feel horrible. I don't hate his parents. But I feel I'm married to them rather than him.

OP posts:

GreatAuntEmily · 03/08/2021 06:06

Can you do other stuff and leave him entirely with his family when they visit. Are you softening the impact of them being round by being part of the social scene. You don't have to threaten or make a fuss, just be busy doing your own thing elsewhere. Go walking for fitness, sewing, gardening just leave him. Would that make him realise they aren't where he wants to spend his free time?

GreatAuntEmily · 03/08/2021 06:08

Same with phone calls, let him field them all. You don't have to answer.

JSL52 · 03/08/2021 06:27

I get your frustration but if this was the other way round you'd get flamed.
If a man told his wife she could only see her parents twice a month and calls mustn't be answered?
I think you need to think of something else.

Holly60 · 03/08/2021 06:27

Hang on. I think people have been replying as though the OP is complaining that SHE ends up spending all her time with her in-laws. In actual fact I think OP is complaining about the time her DP spends with his parents even when he is not with her.

So OP are you actually saying you have dictated to your DP when he can see his parents, even if you aren’t there?? That’s pretty not ok. If it was the other way round and your DP was trying to dictate how you spend your free time, we’d all be jumping in and calling out his controlling behaviour. Like it or not, if your DP wants to spend his free time with his parents, he is entitled to do that. You can’t dictate to him what he does with his time. If you are really unhappy about it, you need to leave him. Ultimately, you are going to make him miserable, yourself miserable and it’s only going to get harder when the baby arrives.

Holly60 · 03/08/2021 06:29

@JSL52

I get your frustration but if this was the other way round you'd get flamed. If a man told his wife she could only see her parents twice a month and calls mustn't be answered? I think you need to think of something else.

You’ve said what I meant way more succinctly

I totally agree

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/08/2021 06:36

I can't imagine the phone calls are much of a problem really. Presumably they phone to speak to him not you? I don't think I'd like DP telling me how often I could speak to my mum on the phone.

And seeing them once a week doesn't sound too bad to me either really. It's certainly normal here, for those who have family nearby. If he enjoys that level of contact it's going to be hard to stop that without seeming very controlling. I don't think I'd be stipulating how often he can see them, but maybe ring fencing some time for the two of you on his days off.

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 06:40

I've told him visits can be twice a month eith or without me with phones on silent outside of their time or automatic forwarding

Hang on.... how much time he spends with them or on the phone to them when you aren't there is really none of your business. I completely understand why you want to limit YOUR time with them and why you'd like to not spend all your joint time together with them. But what he does when you aren't there isn't something you should be trying to control.

Cadent · 03/08/2021 06:40

@JSL52

I get your frustration but if this was the other way round you'd get flamed. If a man told his wife she could only see her parents twice a month and calls mustn't be answered? I think you need to think of something else.

Bullshit. No woman would be told it's fine to see your parents on the only 2 days she and her husband have together each month.

Sceptre86 · 03/08/2021 06:42

Shows the double standard on mumsnet because if it was the other way around you would be getting told he was controlling for telling you how often you can see your parents and to ltb. You don't have to go see them often if you don't want too, maybe they don't want you there from 10-5pm? If you drive take your own car and leave after an hour or don't go at all. It isn't unreasonable for him to want to see each parent at least once a week. He is their son a feeling you haven't experienced yet as your child isn't born yet but 20-30 years down the line it could be your child's partner dictating to them how often they can or can't see you. You might think you won't be as 'needy' or overbearing as your pil but you might well be. If you have every weekend off there isn't anything stopping you from seeing your own parents more often.

My dh speaks to his mum 3x a week and sees her once a week. He will always go to see her, if I don't want to go, have other priorities I don't but I would never begin to think I could dictate how often he sees his mother.

Cadent · 03/08/2021 06:44

@Sceptre86 so if you and your partner only had 2 days off together on the same days each month, you would be happy to spend them both with PIL?

Again - bullshit.

Holly60 · 03/08/2021 06:55

[quote Cadent]@Sceptre86 so if you and your partner only had 2 days off together on the same days each month, you would be happy to spend them both with PIL?

Again - bullshit.[/quote]
Cadent you seem very invested in this. Lots of couples prioritise seeing family so it’s not unusual to spend days off seeing family. It certainly isn’t unusual for us. Not everyone needs to be exclusively with their partner all the time and many people actively enjoy spending time with their wider family. I agree that it’s an issue when one partner enjoys it, and one doesn’t, but that would be the same for any activity, and I’m not sure the answer is OP just BANNING her partner from seeing his family. Again, if it was the other way round, we’d be up in arms! Maybe they just aren’t that compatible 🤷‍♀️

LemonTT · 03/08/2021 06:55

I think you are taking the wrong approach to what appears to be a basic of problems you have with you husband. You don’t like his job, how much time he spends with his parents, how much he answers the phone and his choices about his hobby.

It sounds like you want him to spend more time with you alone. In the future with you and the baby. I think you need to state this clearly rather than giving him a long list of do’s and don’ts. Let him decide how he will achieve this.

He might change or he might not. But I agree with some pps your sets of rules sound uncomfortable in what supposed to be an adult relationship.

Lovemypatchworkquilt · 03/08/2021 06:56

Are you jealous of the relationship your partner has with his parents?

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