Suffocated - In laws!

[User27569]

Hi all, sorry in advance if this ends up long.

My DHs family live about ten minutes drive from our house. We bought in this area because our friends and activities that we met through are all here but I'm starting to feel suffocated at the amount we see them. We both work full time. As FIL and MIL are divorced we see them separately at least once a week. FIL phones almost daily and MIL phones maybe 3x weekly.

I raised this with my husband who said he would like to see them 1/2x a week going forward (he works 48 hours a week in 12 hour shifts, gets one weekend off in a fortnight and one or two days off in the week. I work weekdays only so our days together are 2 in a fortnight.) He said he wants to have more days off work - over the last year I've tried to get him training etc so he can change career to earn more or encouraged him to progress within the organisation to get him earning more than minimum wage so he can work fewer hours. He said he is jealous of my 7-5pm work hours and doesn't have an issue with how much we see his parents and how little I see him.

I phone my family maybe 3x weekly on my commute and see them 1/2 a month, usually on my husband's working weekend. I want him to tell FIL and MIL to back off as I feel like I'm in a relationship with his parents more than him. We are expecting our first and I'm worried I will get more resentful at the lack of close family time. I don't hate his parents, I just wish the balance was different.

Any advice? AIBU?

Why don't you say that those 2 days were off can we spend it together or just pop on a morning or something? I wouldn't be complaining about when his mother rings or when he goes to see them. I'm very close to my family and my husband is to his. I would never let anyone tell me how often I can speak or see my family!! I would hate to just see them once or twice a month! Especially now we're parents our child has a lovely relationship with them all.

If I were vining your husband, I’d be mentioning red flags and coercive control.

You have no right to dictate who he phones and when. Usually the ability to maintain good relationships with your parents through adulthood is a good sign, not something to undermine.

Perhaps if you were less controlling and didn’t attempt to dictate your rules quite so much he might find time with you more pleasant.

That is, if you were writing about your husband.

-You can choose to not answer their calls
-You can choose to not go with your DP to visit them
-You can choose to reduce the time you spend with them when they're in your house.
-You can't say that your DP shouldn't answer their calls.
-You don't get to decide how often they talk and when they talk.
-When your baby arrives, make your boundaries clear and hope and pray that you don't need their help and support.

I can’t totally see that you shouldn’t be spending more time with them than you do as a couple, but on his solo days off, why can’t he see them?
Presumably after your maternity leave, if he still has this working pattern and if you go back to work in a similar pattern to now, he will be taking care of the baby that day and possibly taking the baby to see his parents? Which is probably fine..?

Cadent you seem very invested in this. Lots of couples prioritise seeing family so it’s not unusual to spend days off seeing family. It certainly isn’t unusual for us. Not everyone needs to be exclusively with their partner all the time and many people actively enjoy spending time with their wider family. I agree that it’s an issue when one partner enjoys it, and one doesn’t, but that would be the same for any activity, and I’m not sure the answer is OP just BANNING her partner from seeing his family. Again, if it was the other way round, we’d be up in arms! Maybe they just aren’t that compatible 🤷‍♀️

@Holly60 I'm not invested, I'm just bemused at all the people expecting OP to be ok with this but not answering the question for themselves - if you and your partner only had 2 days off together on the same days each month, would you be happy to spend them both with PIL?

@LemonTT

I think you are taking the wrong approach to what appears to be a basic of problems you have with you husband. You don’t like his job, how much time he spends with his parents, how much he answers the phone and his choices about his hobby.

It sounds like you want him to spend more time with you alone. In the future with you and the baby. I think you need to state this clearly rather than giving him a long list of do’s and don’ts. Let him decide how he will achieve this.

He might change or he might not. But I agree with some pps your sets of rules sound uncomfortable in what supposed to be an adult relationship.

This is a very sensible approach 👍

@Cadent I'm also not sure why you are so invested. Especially as nobody has said what you seem to think they are saying. People are saying HE shouldn't be banned from seeing his parents when she isn't there. Nobody has said they should spend every free moment they have together with his parents

@DeathStare so having an opinion that's different to you is being invested?

So many people conveniently side stepping the question, including you.

@Cadent it's two days off together a fortnight, not once a month.

OP your partner is happy with it, wants it to continue going forward,

He is not wanting to change job, despite your pushing him to retrain, or move upwards in his company.

I'm not sure why you are "blaming" the PIL.

They are I assume just responding to their son being fine with the. contact?

I think phoning your parents only when commuting is saying "I don't want to speak in my own leisure time, you're not that important and this is just a duty call".

So what if MIL called and it wasn't urgent? You never call anyone unless it's urgent?

[quote Cadent]@DeathStare so having an opinion that's different to you is being invested?

So many people conveniently side stepping the question, including you.[/quote]
But you've got it wrong and are basing your opinions on that.

It's two days a fortnight not a month!

Once the baby's born the OP and baby will come as a unit, so it's not going to be practical for op to just not see the pil and let the DH see them alone.

I don't think you can apply rules as such but it's reasonable to expect your dp to look after his own parents. He should be the one making their drinks, talking to them etc. You should be able to carry on with jobs while they are there. If they come that often they need to fit around you and you shouldn't drop everything to entertain them.

And tell DP you want more time as a couple - if he doesn't want that then there's not a lot you can do really.

I'm not blaming the PIL, it is his priorities. But when you've spend all day with them and they phone to remind you to put the lottery on, or phone to ask about borrowing a drill or phone to ask when his next day off is so they can see him again rather than speaking to him during the day you've just spent with them...it is unbelievably frustrating and intrusive.

Right OP I’ve read and re-read your post to get my head around exactly what is going on.

So your husband speaks to one or both of his parents most days. He sees them on most of his days off in the week, when you are at work. He also sees them a lot on his one weekend a fortnight (when you are also off) what is less clear is if you also see them at this point or if he is leaving you alone to see them.

You find this contact irritating, and when it impacts your time together, suffocating.

Now, I can understand that when you have time together you want him to prioritise that. However, you seem to be trying to dictate how often he sees them on his days off without you (you have stated he gets 2 days off in the working week, yet you have stipulated to him that he can see them twice a month).

I would suggest you ask him to prioritise time together on your joint days off, but you really can’t dictate to him what he does in his own free time. Likewise I think it’s reasonable to ask him to keep phone calls to a minimum where it eats into your time together (i.e evenings when you could be eating dinner together etc).

However, also keep in mind that you are going to be on maternity leave soon (assuming he will not be doing a long paternity leave) and you may find that you want to spend a bit more time with your own family. You may also appreciate him taking the baby (when it’s old enough) over to his parents for a bit to give you a rest in the week. Things are about to significantly change anyway, so how you feel now might not be how you feel in 6 months time. At that point you may well appreciate having his parents involved, especially if it means you get a bit more rest/time for a shower etc

@User27569

I'm not blaming the PIL, it is his priorities. But when you've spend all day with them and they phone to remind you to put the lottery on, or phone to ask about borrowing a drill or phone to ask when his next day off is so they can see him again rather than speaking to him during the day you've just spent with them...it is unbelievably frustrating and intrusive.

Yes I can see this would be annoying. So you had spent the day with them too?

Could you encourage your husband to say things like ‘ok yes, we are just about to have dinner/watch a film. I’ll text you later/call you on the way to work’?

Seeing parents once a week is normal and healthy, isn't it? Pre covid i spent an afternoon a week with my dm and my dh would call in for a cup of tea with his a couple of times a week.
My dm and I speak every other day. My dh speaks to his df most days.
Perhaps its the length of time he spends with them that's the problem. If its preventing you from getting in with things then 10am till 5pm each week is too much.

I'm going to try and re-explain for those who haven't understood my OP.

My husband gets 8 days off a month. Roughly 4 with me and 4 without. He wants to see his parents, who are separated...once or twice a week. This is effectively 8/16 visits a month given they are separated, despise each other and cannot be overlapped without a row. He sees them on his days off without me AND his days off with me.

HE then complains about his limited days off as he gets very little gaming time alone in the house, time for driving lessons etc. These activities usually get completed on days when I'm around.

So our 4 days per month are taken up with his parents, driving lessons and solo gaming time for hours on end.

I've suggested he tries to organise more of his gaming time for days off without me. He is still very welcome to see his parents on those days too but at the moment he spends the entire days between them and then moans about getting no alone time.

As far as phone calls, on a day where he works he will do a twelve hour shift. He has an hour for breaks plus his commute each way. Instead he will spend half an hour on the phone with his parents each night. By the time he is finished, it's about 9pm and since I'm 6 months pregnant, at that point I need to go to sleep so we don't end up talking.

I have not got a problem with him seeing or talking to his parents but we don't seem to do anything else. He certainly spends more time talking to and seeing them than he does me and that's not okay in terms of priorities.

I don't mind his job - he resents having to spend so many hours at work. The solution is to have a better paid job with fewer hours. I've supported him to find training, other jobs...none have worked out yet and in the meantime it isn't my fault that he doesn't like his job and the shifts. I'm already the breadwinner and I've paid for multiple training opportunities to support him. But I don't want him to drop his hours (from 48 to 36 weekly) when we are nearly at my mat leave.

I'll point out that I speak to my own family during my commute and mostly see them without him. There is also only one set on my side so it doesn't take up as much time.

My maths isn't clear above...

This is effectively 4/8 visits a month each so 8/16 given they are separated, despise each other and cannot be overlapped without a row. He sees them on his days off without me AND his days off with me.

@LemonTT

Days with me aren't 1:1. Meeting up friends counts in this bit as most of our friends are mutual since we met through our main friendship group.

The problem is your DH!

Why are you paying for multiple training? Why is he still moaning? Why is it the fact he can't gain that's the issue, not doing stuff with you?

You moved to the area for friends and activities? Where do they now feature?

Sounds as if his idea of married life is very different from yours.

How often he sees them isn't the issue, its how long he sees / speaks to them that is. So he is basically spending more time with them than with you? How much gaming is he doing?
It doesn't sound as though he is prioritising spending any time with you.

In your OP you say he works 4 x 12 hour shifts. He must get more than 8 days off a month. It's 3 days a week so at least 12 days off.

Sorry but YABU. It's his mum and dad, imagine him telling your parents to back off. I'll also say this - if you're having a baby don't burn your bridges with in laws. It may be that they offer to do childcare so you can both work, or have the baby when it's older regularly to give you a break

Was just about to say, reading your update. Your problem is your DH.

You’ve paid for multiple training for him and none of it has worked out? Why? What are his professional plans in the near future now you’re about to have a baby? Is there anything slightly better paid so he could work less hours that he could do untrained? If it’s minimum wage that could be a lot of things really.

It is a bit odd that he wants to spend all his free time with his parents, I couldn’t cope with that. He works long hours, he has a partner and a baby on the way, if I were him I would reduce the visits to his parents to one of them, once a week. So he sees them each once a fortnight basically. I would swap so that once a week it was just him and then every other week with the baby (and you if you wanted) the once a week on his own could be on one of his day’s off where you’d ordinarily be working.

He just isn’t going to have the time to Devote to his parents once this baby comes along and I would absolutely put your foot down and say they are not to just be turning up at your house whenever they want.

Also, why on Earth are you with them from 10-5pm? In fact why is he? Surely if they’re local you pop over for a couple of hours, not all day?

I just couldn’t cope with this in general I’m afraid. A man who seemingly lacks ambition (though I could be wrong there, apologies if I am) who games (sorry, can’t be doing with gaming either) and who wants to spend every waking minute with his parents. It’s a no from me.