Suffocated - In laws!

[User27569]

Hi all, sorry in advance if this ends up long.

My DHs family live about ten minutes drive from our house. We bought in this area because our friends and activities that we met through are all here but I'm starting to feel suffocated at the amount we see them. We both work full time. As FIL and MIL are divorced we see them separately at least once a week. FIL phones almost daily and MIL phones maybe 3x weekly.

I raised this with my husband who said he would like to see them 1/2x a week going forward (he works 48 hours a week in 12 hour shifts, gets one weekend off in a fortnight and one or two days off in the week. I work weekdays only so our days together are 2 in a fortnight.) He said he wants to have more days off work - over the last year I've tried to get him training etc so he can change career to earn more or encouraged him to progress within the organisation to get him earning more than minimum wage so he can work fewer hours. He said he is jealous of my 7-5pm work hours and doesn't have an issue with how much we see his parents and how little I see him.

I phone my family maybe 3x weekly on my commute and see them 1/2 a month, usually on my husband's working weekend. I want him to tell FIL and MIL to back off as I feel like I'm in a relationship with his parents more than him. We are expecting our first and I'm worried I will get more resentful at the lack of close family time. I don't hate his parents, I just wish the balance was different.

Any advice? AIBU?

Boundaries, now.

We moved 5 mins from my in laws.

At first, FIL was turning up on the door step every other day with food for the kids (things we don’t eat, he knows that but kept bringing it).

He would also turn up and expect to take dd out for the day/weekend with no notice and was most put out when I said no, that wouldn’t be happening.

Dh had to put a stop to it FIL and MIL are very controlling, it took dh moving closer to actually see that, they are used to controlling every aspect of his sisters life, including cooking for her every night as they don’t trust her to feed her children (feed them what they want them to eat), she’s a 42 year old headteacher

Dh can go there every night if he wants to, they are his parents, it’s not like i’m stopping him seeing them, and he texts his mum all the time.

We'll I'm going to go against everyone here and say this might be a good thing when the baby arrives. Constant help and free babysitting. Could you turn this situation into a positive?

Friends are in a similar situation and moans but just have saved £££ on childcare over the years. Even now as DC are older they help in school holidays and after school. GPs will take them on holiday alone as well.

As someone who juggles with no help except paid help I can see the benefits.

Only you can decide if this outweighs the rest of it.

It's amazing you got pregnant with that cord still attached..

What is the plan for you with work and childcare once baby is here? Will your DH be doing his fair share of parenting and chores, if he already struggles to fit in other things he wants to do eg gaming

He said he is jealous of my 7-5pm work hours and doesn't have an issue with how much we see his parents and how little I see him.

I'd be asking him why he expects you to stay married to someone who ADMITS they are jealous of you and doesn't really want to spend time with you. Genuinely, what does he think the point of marriage is?

@cadent no I wouldn't but unlike the op I am capable of saying no thanks to my dh and getting on with other things. I wouldn't tell him he couldn't though which is what the op is trying to do.

@User27569 your title should not be suffocated by in-laws.

It should be DP is not happy with work, life, gaming time, and puts everyone and everything ahead of me and we are due our first child in three months.

So much going on in the relationship, the ILs are just a part of it.

He is prioritizing his parents' wants and his own leisure time ahead of you. Where do you see your child going on that list of priorities?

@User27569

I'm not blaming the PIL, it is his priorities. But when you've spend all day with them and they phone to remind you to put the lottery on, or phone to ask about borrowing a drill or phone to ask when his next day off is so they can see him again rather than speaking to him during the day you've just spent with them...it is unbelievably frustrating and intrusive.

But he doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. I guess he’s always been like this. You do sound quite controlling to be honest and certainly if it was the other way round you’d get lots of LTB.

I've told him visits can be twice a month eith or without me with phones on silent outside of their time or automatic forwarding. He can still phone them on his commute or during his break at work. I've told him he has to lay ground rules or our marriage is at serious risk.
I understand where you're coming from in terms of you feeling suffocated by their presence in YOUR life, but this comes across as very controlling.

You want different things. It will get worse once the baby is here. I can’t see this working out, you are going to resent him so much.

@CraftyYankee I hope once DD arrives he will put her/us ahead of his parents. I don't want him to stop seeing them or stop contacting them.

@Freddiefox it is controlling to want to see the man I married? If he is incapable of setting boundaries then I have to suggest some boundaries he could use surely?

I take the initiative to phone my family at a convenient time for me. I want him to take charge and actually set some boundaries.

I am worried that DD will be last on the list of priorities if he doesn't start to prioritise and set boundaries ahead of her birth.

To PP asking about childcare - I'm going to try working PT and using nursery on other days. PIL work part time and don't want to do childcare. They have been very involved with their other GC because of SS involvement to provide support. DH is NC with his siblings, doesn't want DD around them either and so childcare isn't really an option from PIL.

@User27569 I had the same sort of thing with my dh. Trouble was, when our first child arrived he prioritised dd and his parents. His child was for them. He even wanted them sat waiting when I was having my section so his mum could hold her right away. (obviously, that didn’t happen). It took years for him to stop that shit.

It’s taken me a number of years to extract myself from spending too much time with PILs. I still think it’s only the pandemic that has improved things because it finally gave me a chance to get enough space to see what was going on. Good that he wants to spend time with his parents and that he gets on with them. I do also think different families have different ideas about what a “normal” amount of time is to spend together. I suppose the real issue is getting enough time with him yourself and that he’s not prioritising that. Your quite far on in your pregnancy and your life will be completely different in 3/4 months. I think rather than worrying about boundaries etc. before baby arrives it might be that after baby arrives you really get to see if he’s home and pulling his weight. It’s really hard to get time alone as a couple once a baby arrives but if you have PILs nearby you could ask them to take the baby for a few hours and let you both get away? I hope it doesn’t sound too contrived but he is just not going to have time to be endlessly hanging out with them when the baby arrives and I’m sure he’s going to be keen to get a break so why not make it a break together?! If he is prioritising things like gaming over you once the baby arrives then really there are bigger issues to look at and you might need some counselling to resolve things if you want to make it work. Best of luck with your new baby

@User27569

I'm going to try and re-explain for those who haven't understood my OP.

My husband gets 8 days off a month. Roughly 4 with me and 4 without. He wants to see his parents, who are separated...once or twice a week. This is effectively 8/16 visits a month given they are separated, despise each other and cannot be overlapped without a row. He sees them on his days off without me AND his days off with me.

HE then complains about his limited days off as he gets very little gaming time alone in the house, time for driving lessons etc. These activities usually get completed on days when I'm around.

So our 4 days per month are taken up with his parents, driving lessons and solo gaming time for hours on end.

I've suggested he tries to organise more of his gaming time for days off without me. He is still very welcome to see his parents on those days too but at the moment he spends the entire days between them and then moans about getting no alone time.

As far as phone calls, on a day where he works he will do a twelve hour shift. He has an hour for breaks plus his commute each way. Instead he will spend half an hour on the phone with his parents each night. By the time he is finished, it's about 9pm and since I'm 6 months pregnant, at that point I need to go to sleep so we don't end up talking.

I have not got a problem with him seeing or talking to his parents but we don't seem to do anything else. He certainly spends more time talking to and seeing them than he does me and that's not okay in terms of priorities.

I don't mind his job - he resents having to spend so many hours at work. The solution is to have a better paid job with fewer hours. I've supported him to find training, other jobs...none have worked out yet and in the meantime it isn't my fault that he doesn't like his job and the shifts. I'm already the breadwinner and I've paid for multiple training opportunities to support him. But I don't want him to drop his hours (from 48 to 36 weekly) when we are nearly at my mat leave.

I'll point out that I speak to my own family during my commute and mostly see them without him. There is also only one set on my side so it doesn't take up as much time.

Are you in a relationship with a 14 year old? He doesn’t sound very grown up?

Yabu. If your husband wants to see them what's the problem? If you don't then that's ok too. He can see the without you or soeak to them on the phone. Honestly it seems that you have the issues. If you lived in a different country trust me you would see much much more of them 🤣. Embrace the fact your husband is a family man

@maddy68 thanks for the input. It's not a competition for who has it worst with in laws - just because people in other countries have to see their in laws constantly doesn't mean we should have to.

I've talked to him and he's agreed to think about what boundaries he wants and will get back to me when he has thought it through.

As said above, my DH doesn't want his parents doing unsupervised childcare.

So he works 48 hrs a week and you work 37? That’s part of the problem. Why does he need to work 48 hrs? If he worked 37 that gives him another 11 hrs a week free time.

I work 50 hours a week - 7am till 5 weekdays. He gets paid minimum wage and his options are either 36 h contract or 48 h.

Is there competition between his DPs to have time with DH. So they are both trying to see him a lot. They can't be that old - why are they so needy? Why aren't they busy with their own lives. If you make your life and spare time look fun and enjoyable DH might feel eventually that he could spend his time better than phone calls with DPs.

If he is doing 12 hour shifts he is off 3 days a week.

His every other weekend shifts are in addition to the 48 hours and are non negotiable. So one week he works 4 days and the other he works 6.