To be gutted about having to have another c-section.

[Killeen88]

Of course I will follow the advice of my consultant to make sure me and my baby are safe, but to say I'm gutted about having to have another c-section is an understatement.

My first pregnancy resulted in an emergency c-section at 31 weeks. The whole thing was traumatic. I didn't see or hold my twins for 18+ hours as I was unwell after the c-section and I found the recovery really difficult and prolonged.

During this pregnancy, I've been told that if I went into labour naturally, I could attempt a VBAC. I've gone to my 38 week consultant appointment today and found out this baby is huge and I have extra fluid. Because I have never laboured before and I've had a c-section previously, they won't induce me and have booked me in for a c-section next week instead.

I'm so upset, for several reasons...
I'm never going to experience labour or a "real birth"- this is our last baby.
Because of the covid rules and the time my section is booked, my husband will have to leave me and baby post op, about 2 hours after he is delivered and won't be able to return until the following days visiting time. So I've got a really long first night alone, which I'm terrified about.
The biggest reason for being worried/ upset is that my husband is self employed and can only afford to take a week off work, which will leave me trapped at home, unable to drive or leave the house, a week post major surgery, caring for a newborn baby and 2 year old twins alone. I have local family support, but they all work full time shift work, so they will only being able to help out adhoc.

AIBU to feel upset about this? Does anyone else feel this way or am I being silly??

TIA

It's perfectly understandable but this one may not be like your last experience.

Try and think positively, and at the end of the day you and your children will have a beautiful addition to your family.

Having said all that, make sure you ask for whatever help you need - hopefully family and friends will step up more than you think.

Firstly, a section is a real birth. There's no glory in risking your and your baby's life

secondly, I've had a planned section after a horrendous emergency one and it's completely different. So calm and almost pleasant to be honest.

My DH was also self employed and I was alone...DD was just turned 3 when I had her little sister.

It was HARD but I used to trap us in one room...2 year old twins are different kettle of fish I know...but I'd basically lie on the sofa for the first week and let DD wreck the sitting room and watch as much TV as she wanted.

I used to keep snacks in a box and we lived on those.

C sections in your circumstances are MUCh safer and easier. I know the recovery can be tough for some so I do sympathise. x

I’ve had one emcs, one vbac and one c section. The vbac was by far the hardest recovery. I wanted a vbac so I would avoid recovery from surgery and hold my toddler, drive etc. I ended up with a 3rd degree tear requiring surgery and a double prolapse. I couldn’t carry my toddler for months and it was really painful and just a horrible recovery. It affected bonding and my day to day functioning. I needed more support with this recovery than with the sections.

My emcs was just wonderful. So easy, calm, straightforward, the only birth I enjoyed. He was handed to me straight from being born and stayed on my skin pretty much constantly for the rest of the day as neither of us needed further interventions. It was at the height of the pandemic and my husband had been told he wasn’t allowed to stay beyond the birth but they let him stay for several hours afterwards- and when he went it was fine as well, much easier than after the emcs, I was walking around after around 6/7 hours I think. This is anecdotal but just wanted to share as a vbac isn’t always an easy option. All the best for your birth and your new baby.

You will have a real birth no matter which way your baby is delivered. I've had an EMCS and a VBAC. I would opt for a Caesar

Another one here whose VBAC was a much harder recovery than my first emergency section.

I understand as I agonised for 9 months about Section or VBAC and it was tough.

Can you afford a mothers help for the weeks you will be on your own? Are the twins in childcare at all - could you up their hours?

My second Cs was a breeze. I did labour first and that took 3 days. Given that DH could only have a week off, that left only 4 days with him post birth. I was doing a school run on day 4 without incident or worry. It isn't guaranteed to be terrible.

A CS is not the poor cousin of a vaginal delivery. I've done labour, I've done pushing, I've had two CS. The positives in it are related to how supported and safe you feel and the process of meeting your child for the first time. The details are different across every birth and you can have as much joy in your body as the next woman. Do not for a second feel like you're missing out, you're merely travelling the path meant for you and the safe delivery of your baby. Who knows how you'd tread that other path? I've wasted years on regret around never pushing the baby put myself. And waste is the word. I grew my babies and I birthed them. I've had a thousand moments with them since. The method of delivery defines nothing.

You are not silly to be upset it's just how you feel. But a planned c section will be nothing like your emergency.
Could your dh not take even a day a week off for a few weeks - I don't think money is as important here as you getting some support, as long as you can literally pay the bills. Is there nursery or anyone who could take the two year olds as that is more what you will need support with. You can't lift them for a while (though they can climb up on you, cautiously!)

Posted too soon. I would opt for a CS every time. My recovery from my section was a breeze - pushing the pram to school and town within a few days, driving after ten days in comparison to my VBAC where I was in pain for weeks and struggled to do anything.

Don't worry about the first night. Are partners allowed to stay overnight in normal times? The nurses will help. My husband hates hospitals. He wasn't at the birth and only came during visiting hours in the evening. It was my first baby and I coped fine.

If you've got your husband home for the first week then you should be fullly mobile by the time he goes back. Are you within walking distance of a park so you can get out of the house?

If you're not happy about a c-section you could talk to your consultant about the pros and cons of vbac. I had a vbac with extra fluid (just over normal range) and a huge baby (although not picked up on scans) and I was induced because baby was late. I talked through options and consultant was happy for me to try for a vbac, as long as I came straight in to hospital as soon as labour had started. I found the labour easier than my 1st spontaneous labour with a small baby (DC1) and recovery easier than for my elcs for DC2. Scans can be really unreliable for measuring size so you could ask for another size check before making up your mind.

@Killeen88 would you tell me my section wasn’t ‘a real birth’?

I bet you wouldn’t. So don’t go peddling that unhelpful message to yourself or anyone else. Just count yourself lucky that you have medics who are extremely clever and practiced making decisions to keep you and your baby healthy and safe, just like they did before.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel sad, but the rhetoric that a section isn’t a proper birth is a very damaging one.

OP could you afford someone to help with twins? Or daycare?

@Killeen88 I understand completely how you feel! My first two babies were emergency C sections (went through full labour with them both they just got stuck in the canal - very traumatic each time) and I was desperate for a 'proper' birth with my 3rd. So much so that I lied about the date of my last period just so I could go to 41 weeks. Consultant was actually very understanding of my desire for a normal delivery but booked me in for an elective at 39 weeks 'just in case'. I was in a right state on the way to the hospital, completely unsympathetic midwives, student doing the epidural then, just as the needle went in for the fourth time, there was a power cut. They asked if I would go back the following day as I wasn't an emergency! Its the only time in my life I have believed in divine intervention as the following day was my babies actual due date so I felt I had done everything I could to 'be normal'.

It took many years for me to reconcile in my head that I wasn't a failure as a mother just because I didn't give birth 'properly'. No one ever understood how I felt - they all said I was lucky that I had three very healthy (big) babies and successfully breastfed them all until around 13 months.

They are now in their 20s and happy and healthy adults - I guess I should keep reminding myself of the advantages of a non vaginal birth now I'm in my 50s and still have a strong pelvic floor! The only advice I can give is to be kind to yourself - accept that you are allowed to feel this way but try not to let it overwhelm your life and focus on the baby that results from the c section.

I’m so sorry you feel like that. YANBU to feel the way you do because your feelings are valid but a c-section is absolutely a real birth. You’re unlikely to have such a traumatic section again - emergencies and planned sections are different beasts. And vaginal births come with risks. An easy recovery from a vaginal birth really isn’t a guarantee at all.

You can be upset if that’s how you feel!

But there’s not much you can do really - your obviously not gonna take the risk if you’ve been advised not to - just focus on the Fact you are doing the best for your baby and to ensure he/she arrives safely !

I personally had an emergency c section recently for my first and wouldn’t dare try for labour next time I’d go for elective c section!!

I had a planned section for my second , my first was a vaginal delivery and they are IME not what they are cracked up to be . I spent longer in hospital following my vaginal delivery than the c section , I needed a blood transfusion after the vaginal delivery and not with the c section . My husband had 2 days off work when I came home and I was literally doing everything including driving within 10 days . If I could have my time again I would definitely have 2 sections .

A planned section won't be like your emergency one, although not the birth you envisaged, speak to your midwife as there's usually things they can do to try and accommodate any wishes you have. My friend chose the music she wanted playing whilst they did it for example! She also had an emergency traumatising first one, but found the second very calm and healing.

It also is a real birth, I have seen C sections being carried out and my goodness, it's every bit as beautiful as a vaginal birth. Your body has done just as much work growing your child, if you climbed Everest you wouldn't judge it on the very last step, you'd say whoop I bloody did that! Not minimising your feelings, they are valid, but making a decision against what you want but for the good of your baby is such a wonderful and selfless decision to make; you sound wonderful.

A c section is a real birth. My mother only had c sections due to the size of her babies and other complications. Would you say she never birthed children as a result of that?

Vaginal broths are not always a breeze.

I understand how you feel. I think most births leave women feeling that they haven't experienced something properly, be it natural labour, breastfeeding.

I had two vag births but both needed help with dilating. Second was a four day induction.

I wish I could dilate without the drip. The intensity meant I had epidural for both so I often wonder if I could have coped ok without epidural. That said, all that goes out the window once baby is in your arms safely and you will cope, really you will.

That all sounds really hard. I definitely think you should hire in help if you can afford it. Even a local teenager for a few hours everyday. Lots of young people haven't been able to find summer jobs. Just extra hands to deal with the logistics of 3 kids and your surgery. But no matter what you'll get through it. Best of luck. Xx

It is OK to grieve the loss of your plans. This is natural.

Of course a c-section is a "real birth" -- whatever that is supposed to mean. I, too, got caught up in the narrative of wanting that vaginal birth and nearly killed both me and my baby. A planned C-section is nothing like an emergency one, and you have some time to make plans for how you want this one to go.

The biggest reason for being worried/ upset is that my husband is self employed and can only afford to take a week off work, which will leave me trapped at home, unable to drive or leave the house, a week post major surgery, caring for a newborn baby and 2 year old twins alone.

That's a real worry. That's probably something you should work to address now -- while recovery from a planned C-section can be easier, it's certainly not guaranteed to be "up and about and looking after three DC under the age of 3" levels of easier.

YANBU to feel a sense of sadness, but don’t worry about not doing a vaginal delivery. I had a vaginal delivery, and am still in pain occasionally from a huge episiotomy two years later- friends who had planned sections said their recovery was better, so hopefully you’ll be alright on that score.

If you’d had a vaginal delivery you may have had a terrible time of it because of your previous c section scar and now having a big baby. Definitely take this route.

Every woman I know who has had a planned section has said it was a very positive experience. I hope it is for you too.

If your family get their shift patterns in advance could they maybe draw up a rota of coming round to help you out?

Speaking as someone who's done both section and vbac, I'd take a planned section any day of the week. Your biggest problem is having to wrangle toddler twins, which would be beyond grim regardless of how you give birth. Is it too late to get them a few mornings in nursery? Or a childminder?

Your feelings are very valid but please try not to stress. A planned section is totally different to an emergency one. I get the whole real birth thing but all births are real . With a planned section they really make an effort for to be special and close to a natural birth when baby is born. . As for your partner leaving, this isn't just because of covid. I had my babies well before covid and partners are not slaked to stay for the night in any hospital I know.

As for the recovery, it will be hard at times but manageable. I think your partner seems really needs to think about taking the second week off or cutting his hours. I totally get how you cannot afford, we were the same but I think it will make things easier for you with a second week off. Take any help family and friends offer and you will get through it, I promise. Lots of easy to prepare food for your toddlers or get your partner to prepare them lunch before he leaves for work as in sandwiches etc.

It's baffling me how many people are suggesting hiring help? I think if op could afford to hire someone her husband could have the second week off.

With the recovery. Just take every day as it comes op. When I had my second by c-section and dp went back to work I had an autistic toddler to deal with too. It's hard but you get through it! Just don't put too much pressure on yourself 💕

Sorry to hear this. Could you get a doula/nanny/maternity nurse/mother's help to help out for the first few weeks? Or send the twins temporarily to a childminder or nursery?

This is your choice remember.

Whilst you have been advised its not set in stone, you could try for a vaginal and have certain parameters in place that everyone is comfortable with EG laboring for a certain amount of time and checking progression is on track.

Baby measurements are known to be wildly inaccurate.