To be gutted about having to have another c-section.

[Killeen88]

Of course I will follow the advice of my consultant to make sure me and my baby are safe, but to say I'm gutted about having to have another c-section is an understatement.

My first pregnancy resulted in an emergency c-section at 31 weeks. The whole thing was traumatic. I didn't see or hold my twins for 18+ hours as I was unwell after the c-section and I found the recovery really difficult and prolonged.

During this pregnancy, I've been told that if I went into labour naturally, I could attempt a VBAC. I've gone to my 38 week consultant appointment today and found out this baby is huge and I have extra fluid. Because I have never laboured before and I've had a c-section previously, they won't induce me and have booked me in for a c-section next week instead.

I'm so upset, for several reasons...
I'm never going to experience labour or a "real birth"- this is our last baby.
Because of the covid rules and the time my section is booked, my husband will have to leave me and baby post op, about 2 hours after he is delivered and won't be able to return until the following days visiting time. So I've got a really long first night alone, which I'm terrified about.
The biggest reason for being worried/ upset is that my husband is self employed and can only afford to take a week off work, which will leave me trapped at home, unable to drive or leave the house, a week post major surgery, caring for a newborn baby and 2 year old twins alone. I have local family support, but they all work full time shift work, so they will only being able to help out adhoc.

AIBU to feel upset about this? Does anyone else feel this way or am I being silly??

TIA

I have had 2emcs and 2 planned. The emergencies were traumatic because they were emergencies and lives were at risk. My last section, which was considered to be the riskiest due to being my 4th, was so calm and stress free. Recovery was much easier. It doesn't matter which way your babies are delivered, you are still giving birth.

Honestly... I went through labour but the csection was the best part. I actually enjoyed it after a week of awfulness (in my experienc). I'd love a vbac next time but would avoid induction like the plague!! Induction basically means csection for a large number of people and in no way means an easier recovery.

I can understand though, as I will feel like that if I go for another section. If it helps, in lots of countries they find it crazy people just don't go for sections in the first place. 🤷‍♀️

Please OP don't beat yourself up about not having a 'proper' or 'real' birth. A C-section is still a proper birth!

Honestly, as someone who has had both emergency and planned sections, there is no comparison - a planned section is lovely and calm and will most likely be a totally, totally different experience to what you had last time. They will also ensure you are very well supported overnight in terms of caring for your baby in that immediate post-operative period. I found the midwives and maternity assistants were fantastic after each of my 3 deliveries, so supportive and helpful.

It does sound though as if you are going to need some decent support in the post-birth period - and tbh you would have done regardless of the kind of birth you have, as anyone would be daunted by the idea of caring for toddler twins and a newborn.

Presuming that you are not able to afford paid help, is it worth advertising locally to see if there are any students who might be interested in doing some 'mother's help' type voluntary work? Even if someone was able to come and play with the twins for you for an hour a day, or perhaps take them for a walk or to the park, that would help. Sixth form students very often have to complete voluntary work (for example for Duke of Edinburgh's award etc) and for those who are interested in working with children in future (whether nursery nursing, teaching, paediatric medical work etc) it could also be a good opportunity. They get some experience and a sign-off on their volunteering record, and you get a bit of help. Just a thought anyway - might be worth looking in to.

On a side note, after my first (and really really nice) planned section, partners weren't allowed to stay. The visiting hours were obviously less, but overnight I was alone with baby. This really scared me.

In reality though, it was lovely. It was just me and her, drinking in her loveliness, and I didn't have to share her with anyone. I have really positive memories of that night.

I understand. I felt the same way. I tried so hard for a VBAC and it didn’t happen. I will now never be able to feel labour properly and go through what most other women go through. I always feel like my body has let me down and it upsets me so much.
I think what really gets me is the choice is gone and I can never go back or change it now. Feel like I’ve missed out on a really big opportunity.

I was really upset about my second c section, for many of the same reasons. I feared a second as my first had been traumatic, i wanted to have a more natural birth, I was worried that DH would not be with me as we didn’t have much support in place to look after my toddler.
Actually when it happened it was all ok. Because I knew what a c section was like, it was less frightening. It was calmer, I understood what recovery would be like, it wasn’t traumatic and i coped with it far better the second time.
Wishing you all the best OP.

Worth noting that planned c-sections have really high levels of maternal satisfaction compared to other types of birth. Everyone I know who’s had an ELCS has found it really positive yet I have countless friends who have actual trauma from giving birth vaginally.

Also caesarean birth is absolutely a ‘real’ birth

Yanbu with how you feel. Though regardless of what way you have your baby it will always be a 'real birth'. I would opt c-section every time, my vaginal birth was horrible and took way longer to recover and lost a lot more blood, and needed several transfusions.

It might help to read the recent life changing injuries after childbirth thread.

Ladies with 3rd to 4th degree tears who could no longer run or have a bowel movement at a young age because of Vaginal and anal sphincter tearing.

These women were all saying they wished they'd had a c section.

It would be my choice to have a section for this reason.

A birth is a birth

*have a bowel movement as in they had a degree of incontinence

I've had one vaginal birth and one elective section (as a result of the vaginal birth) if I were to have more children (absolutely am not) then I wouldn't hesitate to have another section. A planned section is so different from an emergency, we had skin to skin straight away and delayed cord clamping, the nurses helped me the first night and I was up and moving the next morning.

I don’t want to dismiss your feelings but I had an emergency c section first time, followed by elective the second due to a breech baby and few complications. The elective for me was nothing like the first one - it was brilliant. Very Calm, joyful experience and quick recovery

Personally I don’t feel I missed out by not having vaginal birth - hearing some of my friends horrific experiences I’m very grateful to not have had to go through that!

I don’t feel any less of a woman or a failure for having c sections

My third child was an emergency section, followed by a fourth who was an elective section, as advised by team before birth.

The two were worlds apart. The emergency was horrible as it was just an awful birth altogether, but the elective was so chilled out. I realise it’s not like that for everyone but what’s as awful about the emergency was the lack of control, whereas with the elective I felt totally in control, even brought my own music to listen to. So I would try not to worry about the section.

The time afterwards with two toddlers and a newborn though - I see why that would worry you. I know you’ve said your family wouldn’t be able to commit to helping but is there any friends who can? Or maybe in laws? I would be wanting a bit of extra help as you’ll be tired and recovering. What a shame DH can’t take a bit more leave but understandable.

Of course you are not being silly, its ok to feel sad about missing out on something.

I had a CS with my second & was really upset about it. I was looking forward (not the right word) to another VB as I at least knew what to expect this time.

I had an EMCS and then an ELCS. The first time I had wanted to give birth vaginally but due to complications needed to be induced 2 weeks early and this had ended with the EMCS after 5 days. For a long time I felt that I had failed and that I should have experienced a vaginal birth. The second time I hoped for a VBAC but I needed an early induction again - the consultant said that a repeat was likely so I took the option of ELCS.

On the day of the ELCS I was quite nervous but weirdly the whole experience really helped me to come to terms with my first CS. It wasn't actually very different in terms of the op but I healed much more quickly and really felt the truth of the saying that the safe arrival of the baby is the most important thing - until then I had felt it was a platitude. It may have been because I lost pregnancies in between but I think it was also a kind of closure.

I wish you all the best and I hope you also find peace with your experience this time.

And one thing that made me feel extra guilty were people constantly saying CS was a breeze, no pain, how they really wanted one etc. I found the first few days incredibly tough & much, much harder than my VB.

Your feelings are valid of course, but who on earth is telling you that a c-section is not a real birth? Of course it is.

Vaginal birth is overrated! I had two vaginal births and one emergency c-section. The c-section was great. I recovered from it far more quickly than I did from vaginal birth.

What helped me was it truly was the best option for baby so I can't regret it.

I've done both - round about way from you - had a single then twins. Had a vaginal birth the first time - had to have an epidural as the pain was awful and no matter how I pushed my son wouldn't come out - turned out he was face up. Was constantly sick throughout and when he was born he could have been a monkey for all I cared - I was so exhausted I couldn't look at him. Had a C-Section for the twins - completely different - it was actually a lovely experience - i was still a bit sick but nothing as bad as the first time. It was a lovely birth and I was on a real high after they were born - ok I know that was the drugs but whatever gets you through. I had them on the Saturday and went home on the Thursday but to be honest could have been sooner - got my hair done on the Friday. The pain was bad for about 5 days but after that was a lot better. Just do as much as you can - to be honest I played on it for a while and said I couldn't hoover or hang out washing - rubbish - I could do them easily. Best of luck, you will be fine.

I had them on the Saturday and went home on the Thursday but to be honest could have been sooner - got my hair done on the Friday

I think I found the first few days hard because I went home the next day.

So a small upside to the situation here is that you can call your shift working but supportive family and schedule in help on as many days as possible in the two weeks or so after your partner goes back to work.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Although I don't think they're going to help me be happy about the fact I've got to have a csection again, they've made me consider a few things and I don't feel so silly for feeling the way I do.

On reflection, I think the main thing I'm struggling with is that I allowed myself to get excited that I would be able to give birth naturally and avoid the c-section. So I feel so disappointed now and to have the choice taken from me, so close to the finish line is a really bitter pill to swallow. I know this section will (fingers crossed) be miles away from my last EMCS, but it's bringing back so many feelings of loss of control and having to have something "done to me" back.
I'm hoping over the next week I can get over these feelings and try to get excited about my babys arrival again and not see it as something I'm dreading!

Thanks again!!!

@Killeen88 please have a look at this thread, just to gain a little perspective:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/4302468-Guest-post-Women-are-expected-to-go-home-with-life-changing-injuries-after-giving-birth-and-just-get-on-with-it

@Killeen88 just to say, I get it too and your feelings are totally valid. I had a traumatic emcs and then an elcs because one of my twins had excess fluid. I was desperate for a vbac but warned by my consultant of cord prolapse etc if I went into labour naturally. I’m still gutted but so happy that we are all fine.
Wishing you all the best - and good luck with toddler twins and a newborn! (sounds sarcastic but I mean it seriously). Maybe a few hours a day of preschool etc would be helpful.

There's nothing remotely wonderful about a vaginal birth, especially if you have a big baby. The number of women needing interventions is huge. I'd have bitten someone's hand off for an elective c section.