To be gutted about having to have another c-section.

[Killeen88]

Of course I will follow the advice of my consultant to make sure me and my baby are safe, but to say I'm gutted about having to have another c-section is an understatement.

My first pregnancy resulted in an emergency c-section at 31 weeks. The whole thing was traumatic. I didn't see or hold my twins for 18+ hours as I was unwell after the c-section and I found the recovery really difficult and prolonged.

During this pregnancy, I've been told that if I went into labour naturally, I could attempt a VBAC. I've gone to my 38 week consultant appointment today and found out this baby is huge and I have extra fluid. Because I have never laboured before and I've had a c-section previously, they won't induce me and have booked me in for a c-section next week instead.

I'm so upset, for several reasons...
I'm never going to experience labour or a "real birth"- this is our last baby.
Because of the covid rules and the time my section is booked, my husband will have to leave me and baby post op, about 2 hours after he is delivered and won't be able to return until the following days visiting time. So I've got a really long first night alone, which I'm terrified about.
The biggest reason for being worried/ upset is that my husband is self employed and can only afford to take a week off work, which will leave me trapped at home, unable to drive or leave the house, a week post major surgery, caring for a newborn baby and 2 year old twins alone. I have local family support, but they all work full time shift work, so they will only being able to help out adhoc.

AIBU to feel upset about this? Does anyone else feel this way or am I being silly??

TIA

@CasaBonita

There's nothing remotely wonderful about a vaginal birth, especially if you have a big baby. The number of women needing interventions is huge. I'd have bitten someone's hand off for an elective c section.

Totally! It's been horribly romanticized. And I think that's part of the general bullshit sold to women.

Of course having a baby is WONDERFUL in so many ways (not for all women unfortunately as many suffer MH issues) but it's also fraught with danger and pain.

Growing up there was an obvious conspiracy of silence around it. Mothers...those of my friends, would say "Yes it does hurt but you forget that as soon as you see the baby'

Crock!

Women have been conditioned to minimize pain. Period, babies...all that "not in front of the men..." or children for that matter.

People should know and talk about how awfully it hurts...and how it can traumatize.

YABU

I’ve had 3 real births. 3 c sections. 3 babies born. 3 amazing experience. Labour isn’t all that.

A c section isn’t unnatural. It’s not vaginal birth but it’s fine a birth.

Are you in the uk? They won't use any hormonal method of induction here as it can increase the risk of uterine rupture however they could use the foley method which is a non hormonal mechanical means of induction. It might be worth having a read about it and seeing if your consultant would consider it and if not why not? There are numerous vbac support boards on Facebook if you are still wanting to challenge it.

If you have made peace with it then I would say can you have some nappy changing stuff downstairs so you don't need to traipse up and down the stairs presuming you live in a house not flat. Also could you do some batch cooking over the next week or two to help you out once your dh is back at work? Or you could stock up on ready meals or ask family to bring a dish a day? I would ask your dh to make lunches for you each day and just refrigerate. Is there anyone who could have toddler for a few hours even once a week to help you out. I would keep your standards low for the first few weeks, if the hoovering isn't done it won't be the end of world, nor if your toddler has a lot of screen time or has to entertain themselves. You may well find the recovery better second time around, only time will tell.

As for your feelings around the birth, I wholeheartedly understand (I've had 2 csections and am desperately hoping for a vbac) but it is out of your control. You will still have given birth albeit not in your preferred way and it doesn't make you any less of a women or mother doing it in the safest way possible for you in your own circumstances x

If I had a friend in your position I’d be happy to pop I and distract your older ones for a while, do you have people? Don’t be shy on asking! People are nicer than you think, even ask on your local Facebook

There are numerous vbac support boards on Facebook if you are still wanting to challenge it.

Please don't encourage her to push for a vaginal birth. It's dangerous for both of them and still likely to end up as an emergency c section.

Feel for you @Killeen88 can you try all the usuals to bring in labour before your section is booked ? I had an emc last year and due again in November I am so hoping flr a VBAC but I am scared too of having a terrible 'natural ' birth as everyone says planned section recovery much better than emergency but I just don't see how i would
Cope not picking up my 15 month old
For weeks my husband will get 2 weeks off then he works offshore he is my only help

I had a vbac. Given the option again I’d have a planned section. It was awful.

[quote Onairjunkie]@Killeen88 would you tell me my section wasn’t ‘a real birth’?

I bet you wouldn’t. So don’t go peddling that unhelpful message to yourself or anyone else. Just count yourself lucky that you have medics who are extremely clever and practiced making decisions to keep you and your baby healthy and safe, just like they did before.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel sad, but the rhetoric that a section isn’t a proper birth is a very damaging one.[/quote]
This.
I'm not easily offended but am a bit that OP suggests a C Section birth of a healthy, gorgeous baby isn't 'real' in some way. I've had 2 - no pain, no fuss, quick recovery and kids I adore. Not quite the 'grit' of a maternal death, but know which I'd choose.

I had and emergency c section with DS1 and an elective with DS2 (elective was great, all very easy and I recovered well - much more quickly than after the emergency).

I think it's worth keeping in mind that attempting a VBAC doesn't actually guarantee a vaginal birth and that an entirely possible outcome would be the need for another emergency section.

It sounds as though your consultant considers your chances of having a successful VBAC are on the low side. I looked into it and found that due to my personal risk factors my chance of a successful VBAC if I'd attempted it were about 50% at best. I decided an elective section was a better option than another emergency section and so went for that.

There is a huge difference between an emergency section when poorly and an elective when well.

Can you look at getting some more help in the first couple of weeks? Can your family draw up a rota? Even if only for 4 or 5 days?

Best of luck with the birth.

@Killeen88

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Although I don't think they're going to help me be happy about the fact I've got to have a csection again, they've made me consider a few things and I don't feel so silly for feeling the way I do.

On reflection, I think the main thing I'm struggling with is that I allowed myself to get excited that I would be able to give birth naturally and avoid the c-section. So I feel so disappointed now and to have the choice taken from me, so close to the finish line is a really bitter pill to swallow. I know this section will (fingers crossed) be miles away from my last EMCS, but it's bringing back so many feelings of loss of control and having to have something "done to me" back.
I'm hoping over the next week I can get over these feelings and try to get excited about my babys arrival again and not see it as something I'm dreading!

Thanks again!!!

Read the infertility or miscarriages board - that's disappointment. You are just getting massive help from medical science.

As a woman who went through 3 years of unexplained infertility & 3 miscarriages, before miraculously conceiving our twins and now this baby, I understand disappointment just as much as the poor women you point out in the miscarriage and pregnancy boards.

I know how very lucky I am to go on to have not just 1, but 3 healthy baby's, regardless of how they have been born.

My post was never intended to down play the risks of natural childbirth (I'm fully aware of the risks), to state that c-section births aren't "real" (I was simply stating my own personal feelings based on my own experiences) or that other women haven't been through much worse than myself.... It was simply to get some reassurance and perspectives of other women who have been through similar experiences to me, to help me understand/ gain perspective/accept and move on with the way I'm feeling about my current situation.

I know this thread has highly emotive subjects for many women, but I find it incredible how some responses are so passive aggressive and unempathetic to others thoughts, feelings and experiences.
😔

Not RTFT but can you request a sweep to bring on natural labour rather than induction / try all known ways to bring on labour naturally prior to your section date? Spicy food, sex, raspberry leaf tea, clary sage oil, etc.. I was the same with my second after EMCS for the first, told I could try for VBAC the whole way through, got to 40 weeks and had a sweep and that started contractions going but things didn't progress far due to excess fluid so ended up with a section anyway at 40+2. Hope all goes well for you.

I was devastated when I was told I needed a second section. I completely understand how you feel.

Hopefully as it's a planned section you will feel more in control and you won't have any complications this time around.

Be prepared that it isn't a huge baby as the scans can be so inaccurate.

I think it's common to have you heart set on an amazing birth experience and to feel robbed it doesn't/can't happen. My DC3 had silent reflux and the first year was hellish when I had DC4 suddenly the fact I couldn't have a home birth, would be induced, would be a big baby etc and that would be my last chance didn't matter anymore 😂 I just didn't want a baby that screamed all the time and hardly slept!

You're not silly Kileen but your consultant is doing her best to ensure you and your baby are safe.

When it is all over and you have recovered, you'll just be glad to have your children. The disappointment will fade. There many things in life we would like to experience but can't. Try and stay positive.

Congratulations on expecting your new baby.